The Bold Soul: A Writer's Life in Paris

Within the sound of her annoying voice

When you live in a city, you share your living space with that of thousands of other people. And those people make noise. A LOT of noise, at times. If it's quiet you want or need, don't live in a city. Sometimes the noises can be funny or interesting. With the World Cup going on, for example, a lot of the neighborhood noises in my quartier are from the corner bars or from the neighbors I call the "Party Boys" (because they always seem to be having a loud, raucous party in their upper-level apartment in the building next door to us); every time there's a goal, or a missed goal, or an OMG-someone-might-possibly-score moment in a match, you hear the cheers or groans from one end of the street to the other. I get a big kick out of the noises of the collective sport consciousness. And then there was the time I thought we had a bobcat living in the building when we lived near Sacre Coeur, because of the bizarre noises we heard... plus, our gay neighbors were having sex on the other side of our WC wall. Paper-thin walls are a noise problem when you're an... Read more →

Miss Manners & Company

Maybe you can't ever really go home again. But maybe you can travel back in time to your old school and get a nostalgia overload. Read more →

Terms of endearment

Overheard the other morning, before getting up to face the day: Her (in English): "I love you." Him (also in English): "I love you, asshole." [A pause as she lets this sink in a moment. Because THAT can't be right. Can it?] Her (sounding a bit shrill this time): "Um... WHAT did you just say to me?" Him (speaking a bit more distinctly): "I said: I love you also". Her: "OHHH ... because I thought you said ASSHOLE. I love you ASSHOLE." Him, sighing : "My stupid accent." Does anyone have any statistics on how often the language barrier in multi-cultural couples results in misunderstandings that lead to divorce? Because I suddenly realize how easily that could happen. I think we can safely cross that one off our list of pet names. Read more →

Why Parisians mock the Anglos

Overheard while waiting on line to use the loo in a Parisian café: three not-so-petites anglaises complaining about the inferior and slightly unclean facilities. (But how many restaurants do you know, in ANY country, with a spotless WC?) Then one of them says, loudly: "I'm rather FUSSY about where I put my PUSSY." Oh, really? Clearly, she is not so particular about keeping a clean MOUTH. Read more →

It's just one big multi-cultural pissing contest around here

Overheard between a French husband and his American wife this evening: She (pointing to a red box with the image of a familiar, motherly-looking woman of color): "I made myself some pancakes for lunch this afternoon. A LOT of pancakes. And they were good. Even though they're not crepes." He (reading the box and mispronouncing the name): "Aunt JEM-in-a. Oh, that's like Uncle Ben's." She (rolling her eyes): "No, sweetie, it's Aunt Je-MIM-a. And no... Uncle Ben's had an old white guy with white hair and a black hat." He (grinning with French superiority): "No, my love, Uncle Ben's rice has a black man on the box." She (running to grab her laptop, SO ready to be RIGHT, for ONCE): "Oh REALLY?!? Which one of us is the American?" She Googles "Uncle Ben" and prepares to click on the link. He (following her and standing in the doorway, still grinning): "It's not QUAKER OATS... it's UNCLE BEN. And he's BLACK." She (realizing with dawning horror, even as the Uncle Ben site loads on her screen, that once again, he's got her. And there, smiling at her, is the warm and inviting face of Uncle Ben himself. Clearly NOT the old... Read more →

Impromptu biology lesson

Overheard at the Paris Salon de l'Agriculture on Saturday: "Look, Papa! That bull has TWO zizis!" "Uhhh..." [Georges looks where Little Guy is pointing, then leans in close to whisper in his ear.] "Non, mon garçon... he has ONE zizi there [points a little to the right] and those are the two testicules." [Momentary silence while the Little Guy processes this new information, and then...] "Lisa, look!" [more pointing, with out-of-control giggling] It's so important to share these special moments with your kids. Read more →

A bread by any other name... still tastes better in France

Overheard between a Franco-American couple (who shall remain nameless) recently: SHE: Sweetie, I'm making a list for the store tomorrow. I think I should get some regular bread. You know, the bread in the plastic bag, because [Little Guy] seems to prefer it for his tartine at breakfast. Not a special bread like a baguette or a pain de compagne. HE: You know, mon amour, this is France. In France, "regular" bread IS the baguette or pain de compagne. The bread in the plastic bag, the pain de mie, isn't "regular" here, it's the "special" bread. In fact, it's not even real bread. SHE: [stunned silence while her brain processes this information, then... hysterical laughter as she realizes...] OH MY GOD, you're right. Damn American "Wonder Bread" culture. I don't even know what real bread is. .......................... This might be important information to know on Monday when I go for my Carte de Séjour interview. You know, like if they ask me to rattle off a list, in French, of things I typically buy when food shopping. There are so many different names for "bread" here. Cultural assimilation is all in the details. Read more →

Central loving

"Overheard" online: We find our lovers having their first IM chat of the day... Her: When you texted me with just "Ouf" this morning, I knew something wasn't right with you. I thought perhaps you got stuck walking to work in the cold, but glad you got a train. Is it very cold out today? Him: Chilly, yes. Her: It was chilly in bed last night. No YOU to hold me tight and keep me warm. I had to turn on the heater instead. [pause] Her: I feel lucky to have you in my life, you know. And not just because of your incredible body heat. Him: Oh thanks. Her: Your love is evident in everything you do and say. It just radiates from you, directly to me, all the time. Him: Ah? Her: Oui, c'est vrai. Him: I come with central loving, you know -- free of charge. Read more →