The Bold Soul: A Writer's Life in Paris

Presque

It is nearly finished now. Presque. And not one moment too soon. The whole unpleasant six week ordeal. The scar that didn't want to heal and which completely screwed up my holidays in the south because I couldn't swim. The pain, both before and after. The having to be poked, prodded and treated on a daily basis by doctors and nurses while juggling a language barrier. The stress, stress, STRESS. The tears, which seem to creep up on me out of nowhere when I'm least expecting it, even if five minutes earlier I was smiling and laughing at something. There are few events in my life where I can honestly apply the word "traumatized" without over-dramatizing things, but I think it's fair to say that I have found this entire gall-bladder removing, gangrene-discovering, realizing-I-could-have-DIED experience traumatic. Which is probably why I still have nights, like last night, where I can't sleep from reliving it... and crying about it. Oh yes, I am still having moments where I just break down and cry. Even sob. Which feels so stupid to me, like why am I being such a big fucking baby about it... even while I recognize the tears are a... Read more →

Aftermath

First let me start by saying THANK YOU to all of you for your prayers, thoughts and good wishes for my surgery and recovery, whether you expressed them in the comments box or not. It's sure nice to know so many people care about my well-being, and your messages of concern did made me feel a little bit better during a very difficult few weeks. And difficult, this week has certainly been. [WARNING: THIS POST GETS A BIT GRAPHIC IN PLACES.] As I've mentioned before, I am a BFB (Big Fucking Baby) when it comes to facing any medical procedures more painful than getting a shot in the arm, a mammogram, or an annual OB/GYN exam; and here I had to deal with an actual SURGERY. But I knew I had no choice so I just made up my mind to suck it up and deal with it. I was prepared for the idea of the laproscopy and that there would be some pain and discomfort, but I wasn't too worried (other than the meltdown I had the night before I had to go to the hospital, but everyone's entitled to a little freak-out in circumstances like these). I was... Read more →

Maintaining radio silence

I just wanted to take a moment to say that while I have been silent in reaction to the many comments and suggestions on the two recent posts about my weight loss struggles, I do appreciate all the general support, concern and willingness to be helpful. I know full well how hard it is to get a handle on body image and losing weight, so I am thankful some of you felt compelled to share your own stories and challenges. Merci, mes amis. My silence on the matter has everything to do with me, and nothing to do with all the good advice. It's an issue I need to work out on my own. I had thought that writing about it publicly might help me make sense of what is going on in my head (which is where the issue really is, of course), or that "coming out" with my struggles might somehow catalyze me into a higher level of commitment and action. That has not proved to be the case. Now, I'm not so sure how much I want to say about something that I haven't really figured out for myself yet. On the one hand, I've made a... Read more →

A question without an answer?

Following on the wide variety of weight-loss tips and advice I'm getting from my readers, one common thread seems to be the need to "cut out all sweets and sugar". And my gut reaction whenever I read that (because it's not the first time I've come across that advice)? PANIC. Sheer panic. I can't contemplate the thought. Addicted? Oh, you bet. I've known that for years. And before you all start telling me how much I would benefit from going to Overeaters Anonymous, here's the thing: do I want to live the kind of life that is all about denying and restricting? That seems like such a negative energy to live with. I absolutely do NOT want to continue to live in fear of food! I am now living in a culture that is ALL about what I consider to be a VERY healthy relationship with food. The French, they adore their food, and they have learned for the most part to enjoy what they want, in moderation. I like this concept a lot because it seems much more balanced than the all-or-nothing approach we Americans seem to take to weight loss. Isn't there a happy medium somewhere with regard... Read more →

WW, Day 24

I've been dragging my feet about this post because I'm not happy. I'm not happy with myself or my utter lack of progress. And it's not fun, sharing that with the whole world, or at least whatever part of the world is reading this. But, I'm the one who put this "out there" and even if I am not sticking to the regime the way I should, I can at least keep my commitment to write honestly about it. Food tracking? None. Absolutely none. Exercise? Very little (lots of back and ankle problems last two weeks, but I got my orthotics yesterday and am hoping for better things soon as a result). Drinking extra water? Ummm... oops. Forgot about that. Weight gain or loss: I am up 2.4 lbs from my starting weight. And THIS time, I can't blame it on the monthlies. The one thing I have been doing is being more fully "present" or "conscious" with regard to my eating habits and choices, and being on this program (if you can even calling it being "on" a program that you're not making any effort to follow). If nothing else, I am putting myself in the role of "observer"... Read more →

Healthier... Day 15

Today was my second weekly weigh-in with WW and slightly better news: -1.8 lbs. Now, considering that last week I was up a pound with water weight gain, and that the number I saw on the scale this morning was exactly the same number I saw after four days of the stomach bug I had three weeks ago (that I am still not 100% over, apparently... yuck), I am not feeling so virtuous about this "loss" -- but I'll take it over a gain any day. This week was sort of a "lost" week, tracking wise. I only tracked my progress maybe 50% of the time. From last Sunday evening until about Thursday, I had a lot of back pain (which only got WORSE after my session with the kiné on Monday afternoon) so any serious walking or physical activity was just plain out of the question. However, I'm sick of having back pain every time I do any kind of decent amount of physical activity, so I made a long-overdue appointment for tomorrow with the podiatrist to get the orthotics (thank you, Linda, for reminding me of the English word for les semelles) I have needed for more than... Read more →

Healthier... Day 3

I'm halfway through Day 3 on the Weight Watchers program. The online tools are really quite good, I have to say; I like the ease of just typing in some keyword like "green beans" and then choosing from the lists, plus you can calculate your "points" on any food if you know the calories, # of fat grams and # of fiber grams; this is very helpful for me in tracking French products NOT on the lists, like Actimel, a small bottle of liquid yogurt that I really like. I was actually a member of the online program in 2005, which I had completely forgotten, so I had to zap all my old data to get a fresh start-date, but the system retained a lot of the customizations I'd made to my "favorites" lists for food and activity. I had to clean those up too, as the foods I was often eating in America are not even an option here; this is not necessarily a bad thing, however, as I tended to eat a lot of pre-packaged stuff, which isn't as healthy as making things with fresh ingredients. I have to admit, though, that I have felt hungry every single... Read more →

The 100-lb. Monkey

After having recently completed the very huge goal of finishing a client writing project that took me over 2 1/2 years, I thought about what I wanted to focus on next in my life. Of course, the first thing that came to mind is putting all my professional energy into finishing my own memoir, and getting it published -- presumably with a nice, fat advance thrown into the bargain. And the second big goal is finding us a new place to live and organizing the household moving project, something that is a must-do, as our house is (to all intents and purposes) sold and we need to be out no later than end of June. But I also gave some thought to whether there were any personal goals I wanted or needed to work on. I've got the perfect man in my life (Georges, do NOT protest my use of the word "perfect"!) and a family. I'm more settled in Paris, although integration and improving my language skills will no doubt be a life-long process. It even appears as if we may have found a nice adoptive home for Clachat (more on that in a few more days, when we... Read more →