Hmmm, last day of April. Tomorrow is the 1st of May, a holiday in France that is like the French "Labor Day" (complete with all sorts of manifestations or protest marches). After that, I feel like I can finally start looking ahead of me a little, instead of the "head down, just do what's in front of me so I don't lose my mind" mode I've been in for most of the last couple of months. Georges and I both had to be in that mode to get through everything we've been juggling, but now the dust is clearing (or I've vacuumed it up) and we can start to put our attention on other things.
Like taking a deep breath... and exhaling.
There are three ways this is important right now, this allowing myself to look ahead again. The first is my health. For the better part of the last year, I've been having increasing problems with my left leg, from foot to hip. I broke this leg and ankle quite badly in three places back in 1996, even have a permanent plate on one shattered bone, and my ankle will never be 100% again. For years, it hasn't actually presented any sort of problem, but now it's a different story. The imbalance caused by this weaker ankle, and -- let's be candid -- most likely exacerbated by aging and being overweight, seems to have triggered a growing variety of issues, and now I'm in constant pain nearly every minute of every day. I've been putting off doing anything concrete about it, hoping it would get better, although I did discuss it with my doctor last fall when it wasn't even nearly as bad then as it is now. But it hasn't gotten better; quite the opposite. So last week I had an extensive series of x-rays taken that fortunately did not show anything catastrophic like a fracture or tumor, but did show there are some issues, including the beginnings of arthritis. Since I am now in SO much pain that I cannot stand, sit, sleep or walk without pain, I clearly need to stop putting everything else first and get into physical therapy. This wonky leg is getting in the way of me living my life to the fullest (example: I'd love to go with Georges to take the Little Guy to Disneyland Paris, but I doubt I could make it through the day), and THAT isn't going to cut it with me. Plus, I really AM trying to make lifestyle changes to get healthier and lose weight, but exercise is an important part of that, and right now I can barely limp across the apartment.
The 2nd thing I can focus on next is my visit home to New Jersey on May 18th, for 10 days. My birthday is the 19th so this will be fun, to spend my birthday with my family. I'm going without Georges this time, as he needs to work and be with the Little Guy, and I need to help my mom with some projects around her house, plus I want to spend more time with my friends than I am usually able to do on trips home when he comes with me (as any man in his right mind would be, I'm sure he gets maxed out on the girl-talk). I'm excited to be going back because I always miss my family, but I'm a bit anxious at the same time: my mother is aging and having some age-related issues, so the trip may not be all fun and games. But that's what family is for, to support one another when it's NOT fun. I'm glad I can go right now; I haven't been back since last August.
Last but not least... there is a book to finish and get out there onto some bookstore shelves and e-book readers. I just want to FINISH IT FINISH IT FINISH IT... that's the mantra that is looping in my brain daily, now that the worst of our household move is done. Sure, there are still cartons to unpack, things to take to storage and WAY TOO MUCH STUFF for the space we have (the neighborhood continues to benefit each time we put usable items in good condition out on the curb). But I now feel like I CAN turn my attention back to my own work again.
Today is the first day of that. Georges is at work. The Little Guy is at school (and will come home tonight on the bus BY HIMSELF for the first time - I will meet him at the bus stop for a few days of this, and then he'll be coming all the way to the door alone in the afternoons.). So I have the day to myself. I think I can work in an hour of writing time somewhere, so that I can move ahead with finding an agent and getting published. It's long overdue.
Living in the moment is a very good thing. But sometimes, it also feels good to look ahead and think about what you want next in your life.
