So, I've been back in New Jersey for a week, and in that time I have shopped, shopped and shopped some more. I still have a few products to buy but for the most part, the shopping phase of this trip is over and done with. There's not much else to DO in this part of New Jersey, quite frankly, except shop and go to chain restaurants.
Oh, wait, there IS one more thing to do when I'm here: spend time with my friends.
Being able to reconnect with people I have not seen in a year (or in some cases, much longer than that) has been a real joy, the thing that keeps me feeling good about coming back. As I write this, I am camped out at the kitchen table at my best friend Wendy's house; I got here yesterday to get in some quality time with her, her husband, and the four kids. I got to marvel at how each of the kids has grown and changed in the 13+ months since I last saw them; I nearly fainted when the oldest boy VOLUNTARILY hugged me -- he has never been much of a hugger and I don't think he's let me hug him since he was six. He hasn't even wanted his mother to hug him, it's just how he is. So that hug is one of the highlights of my trip so far. And it's in him that I see the biggest overall physical change, now that he's 15 1/2; he looks like Wendy's side of the family more than the others do, but it's the first time this has been so obvious.
This morning, Wendy and I were talking about how great it is that we have the kind of friendship where we can not see each other at all for over a year, but it's still just as comfortable as when I used to be over here every week; I just come in, pour myself something to drink and make myself at home, and chat with them all like we never missed a beat.
It's not always easy, or even possible, to maintain friendships long-distance, but the world being what it is nowadays, we often end up being separated from our friends (and families). Technology makes it easier to stay connected, and thank goodness for that, but even with all the great techie stuff, sometimes our relationships take a beating. One of the things I've sometimes been asked about moving to France was whether I've lost any friends in the process.
And sadly, the answer is Yes. I had one friend I was very close to, or so I always thought. And we kept in touch for the first year and a half after I moved to France, and everything seemed well between us whenever I came back home or when we emailed or called. She was happy things were going so well with me, and I thought things were going well with her, too. I invited her to our wedding; she said she was looking forward to meeting Georges and to seeing me. For my part, she was one of the people I was most eager to see again.
She didn't show up for the wedding. I got a voice mail the morning of the wedding, saying she wasn't going to be able to make it due to an illness, and I was disappointed but I understood and was mainly hoping it was nothing serious. I attempted to follow up with her afterward several times by phone and email, but never got a response, or any additional explanation, other than a rather polite email expressing her best wishes on my wedding -- the kind of message you'd send to someone you barely know, not someone who is one of your best friends. I tried a few more times in the months after we went back to France after the wedding; no response. I checked in with a mutual friend to inquire about the woman's health, thinking maybe she was really sick and just didn't feel like seeing anyone, but I was assured that she was very well and "super busy". Hmm. I wrote her a long letter, or maybe two or three of them. Rien. When I came back to the States for the holidays, I tried again. Nothing. No explanation. Ever. To this day, I have no idea what it was that I did that was SO awful that she'd cut me off without explaining why and giving me a chance to apologize. Even now, it still doesn't sit right with me, losing this friendship, and losing it in this unexpected and rather cruel manner. And she's not at all a cruel person, which makes it all the more confusing.
But there's nothing I can do about it. Am I hurt? Yes, a little; I felt a lot more hurt in the beginning but I'm over it for the most part now. I'm even still a little angry that she felt the need to do it this way. But this is the way life is sometimes, and I can't control what other people feel, do or say. I don't spend much time or energy thinking about this former friend anymore, because (a) why waste energy thinking about someone who "dumped" me flat, and (b) I'm pretty sure she's not wasting energy thinking about ME.
Except that coming home again, and being able to hook up with several of my other wonderful friends, made me realize that on some level, I may always miss this one ex-friend who disappeared without warning or reason. Maybe that's the price you pay for following a dream that takes you away from your roots; not everyone can handle the separation or the fact that you've changed your life so radically while theirs is more or less the same. (Although in all honesty, I don't think my ex-friend was "jealous" of me in that way... she just wasn't that sort of person.) Could I have tried again to contact her on this trip? I could have, but now I don't want to. She's made her feelings quite clear, and if she wanted to see me, she could find me easily. So... it's done.
Luckily, none of my other friendships have suffered from long-distance-itis. I have friends from childhood who live in Florida, Ohio and Seattle, and though we don't keep in touch as much as we'd like, it's great when we're able to chat or exchange an email. (And for added fun, we get to fertilize each other's farms on Facebook. Ha!) A lot of my friends still live in or around New Jersey, which means I get the chance to see them in person at least once a year. And I've made some really good friends in France, too. I feel very fortunate to have so many lovely and loving friends, on both sides of the ocean. I wish I had more time on this trip to see more of my local friends, and if I missed seeing some of you this time around, just know that it's nothing personal and let's try again on my next trip (which will hopefully be in December). And I'm always hopeful that those on the U.S. side will some day come over and visit me on the French side. My friendships are very important to me, and for those of you whom I count as my friends (and I think you know who you are!), I just want to say this:
Merci. And I love you.
