I've been dragging my feet about this post because I'm not happy. I'm not happy with myself or my utter lack of progress. And it's not fun, sharing that with the whole world, or at least whatever part of the world is reading this. But, I'm the one who put this "out there" and even if I am not sticking to the regime the way I should, I can at least keep my commitment to write honestly about it.
Food tracking? None. Absolutely none.
Exercise? Very little (lots of back and ankle problems last two weeks, but I got my orthotics yesterday and am hoping for better things soon as a result).
Drinking extra water? Ummm... oops. Forgot about that.
Weight gain or loss: I am up 2.4 lbs from my starting weight. And THIS time, I can't blame it on the monthlies.
The one thing I have been doing is being more fully "present" or "conscious" with regard to my eating habits and choices, and being on this program (if you can even calling it being "on" a program that you're not making any effort to follow). If nothing else, I am putting myself in the role of "observer" to see what insights I can gain from all this, and for this week, here is what I've noticed:
- The activity matters more than I like to think it does. Which explains why, as my life and work have grown more and more sedentary over the years, as aging and pre-menopause have begun to factor in, I've packed on the pounds. I have always detested exercise and have done my best to deny that I need to do it, but clearly, it matters. Damn.
- Even though I think I'm not eating "so much", or that WHAT I am putting in my mouth isn't "so bad", it is clearly TOO much for my body to burn off under the current unable-to-exercise-much situation. Hence, a 2.4 lb. gain with no effort at all.
- I have not made any real changes in my diet, that's the truth of it. I have been doing the same old thing, with only minor adjustments (trying to watch portion size, for example -- a small glass of OJ in the morning now instead of the tall glass I used to drink, 1 sugar in my coffee instead of 2). And OK, I did stop making a meal out of a big chocolate bar; I haven't even bought any chocolate in weeks. But it's not enough. Not nearly enough. If it WAS enough, the weight would gradually be coming off, even slowly. Instead, the scale is still going in the other direction.
I saw a photo of myself yesterday from when I was 16. At 16, I thought I was fat. It's true, I did tend to be a bit flabby in the tummy and waist, and I might have been carrying maybe 5-10 lbs "extra" on my frame through all my teen years, but now I look at this picture and I wonder, "What was I thinking?" I look not just cute, but HOT, in my old drill team uniform (who said the cheerleaders got to wear all the sexy stuff, huh?)
I have been severely overweight for so long now, that I generally find it hard to visualize myself any other way. And I know, from all my years as a coach, that if I can't visualize something, I won't achieve it. Looking at photos like this is painful in some respects, but in another respect it reminds me that once upon a time, I WAS lean, trim and healthy. I WAS once a size 10 or maybe even a size 8. I once looked good in short skirts and my mid-section didn't stick out further than my very ample bust-line. I was a hottie once, even though at the time I never thought I was.
If I was a hottie once, maybe I can be one again, albeit a more mature version of a hottie (I just think the micro-mini skirts need to STOP once you pass the age of 40 or 42). Which is maybe why I need to keep a few of these photos around to remind myself: if it was possible once, it's possible NOW.
