I just wanted to take a moment to say that while I have been silent in reaction to the many comments and suggestions on the two recent posts about my weight loss struggles, I do appreciate all the general support, concern and willingness to be helpful. I know full well how hard it is to get a handle on body image and losing weight, so I am thankful some of you felt compelled to share your own stories and challenges. Merci, mes amis.
My silence on the matter has everything to do with me, and nothing to do with all the good advice. It's an issue I need to work out on my own. I had thought that writing about it publicly might help me make sense of what is going on in my head (which is where the issue really is, of course), or that "coming out" with my struggles might somehow catalyze me into a higher level of commitment and action. That has not proved to be the case. Now, I'm not so sure how much I want to say about something that I haven't really figured out for myself yet. On the one hand, I've made a practice, with this blog, of sharing what I'm up to, and sharing it as honestly as possible; on the other hand, this is an emotional mine-field for me right now, and what I do NOT want is for the blog to turn into a place for me to whine about how fat I feel every day. B-O-R-I-N-G!!!
And I'm totally hormonal on top of everything else. (See? HONEST.) Which means that if anyone so much as LOOKS at me the wrong way for the next 2-3 days, I have to fight not to burst into tears or punch a hole in the wall. Therefore, this is probably not the best time for me to be sharing what I'm thinking when I look in the mirror.
So I think for the moment I need to keep my own council. I truly do appreciate how some of you have shared your own struggles and successes; I just clearly need to work this through for myself, and outside advice from so many different quarters is only proving to be overwhelming. (So I'm sure you'll understand why I chose to close comments on this post.) I don't want to read another book by an expert or count calories or worry about fat grams, because for me, this issue is about much more than mere "behavior modification" (yeah, I've done years of therapy with very good doctors, and I know the big words). It's a soul issue even more than it's a body issue. 90% of my soul is well and happy; the other 10% is hanging on for dear life to outdated habits and choices that logically, I know serve no good or useful purpose. THAT is what I need to work out before I will be willing to change my behaviors to any significant degree. Suffice to say that, willing or not, moving to an apartment at the highest point in Paris will force me to get more physical activity into my week, so the rest I will deal with in other ways.
In my calmer, saner moments of reflection, I know that I WILL eventually work through this. Because I always do. I do not accept defeat. Ever. Even "failure", to me, is just an opportunity to take another path, a new detour. And I have so much in my life that is so very, very good, so much I am happy with and so many ways in which I AM well in my own skin.
This is just one big area where the "bold" has yet to kick into high gear.
