I was saying to Georges earlier that it's a good thing that I have zero expectations of what a New Year's Eve is supposed to look like. I've been this way for a number of years now, where I really don't care what I do on the Eve. I think it's good to take this attitude because it means that whatever I end up doing, or NOT doing, I'm never disappointed. Of course, I wasn't always this way; there were plenty of New Year's Eves where I felt bad because I was alone or because I had nothing interesting to do. But it's been a long time since I really made a big deal about it, and frankly I'm much happier now.
Of course, my New Year's Eves have changed direction in the past few years, just like the rest of my life:
Five years ago on New Year's Eve 2005, I was still very single and dying to move to Paris. But I was still many months away from actually doing it. I don't remember what I did that night, but odds are that I was probably eating Chinese food and catching a movie with my mother. Like I'd done for several consecutive years before that.
Four years ago at the end of 2006, I had made the leap and gotten myself to Paris, but I was back in New Jersey for about a month while I was in between Parisian apartments. I felt good that I had Paris to look forward to going back to (a month in New Jersey was already feeling like two weeks too long) but once again I'm pretty sure I spent the Eve doing take-out and a movie with my mom. Maybe we watched the ball drop in Times Square on TV and talked about Dick Clark and would he EVER age? If we even bothered to stay up that late. I may have gone to bed early with a good book.
Three years ago, 12-31-2007, I arrived in Paris that very same morning after an overnight flight. All I wanted was to fly into the arms of my beloved Georges; we'd spent our first Christmas apart because I'd already bought my tickets before I met him and he had his Little Guy with him for the holidays so he couldn't come with me. And then my grandmother passed away on December 28th at age 95 (it's okay; it was just her time and she was more than ready to go). I managed to get a small family memorial service together in under 48 hours; we had it on the 30th; then my brother-in-law drove me to the airport. What a roller-coaster ride THAT holiday season was. I still remember exactly how wonderful it felt to be back in Georges' embrace again. The perfection of that New Year's Eve was just being back together with the man I love, and just staying in with him and the kids. We even did our Christmas presents ensemble and had some champagne that night with the neighbors. I was jet-lagged but so happy.
Last year, Georges and I spent Christmas together in New Jersey... our first MARRIED Christmas! We were back in Paris for the New Year with the Little Guy, wrapping up our first year of being together, and once again it was a quiet time at home, maybe with a bit of bubbly.
This year, we're south, in Saint Raphael. My sister-in-law has unfortunately been in the hospital since Monday afternoon and although she's improving, she won't be home until after the holiday. Our Christmas all together with her and the children was really nice, and it's just such a shame the holiday has had to end on this note. But it is what it is: we're a family now, and we're together, and that's what matters more than how fabulously exciting our New Year's Eve might be. We've got a fois gras ready to nibble later, we shopped for a few things to make a nice dinner for ourselves and the Little Guy; maybe a friend will be joining us. The best part of MY run-up to the New Year was that I got to go shopping at the BIG Carrefour supermarket (it's like a giant Walmart) and it was the first thing I've done since June that felt "normal" (i.e. American) to me, so I'm happy (I didn't even really buy anything interesting for myself, but that wasn't the point; it was the EXPERIENCE I was after). We'll go see my SIL soon to kiss her for the New Year. If the weather holds out, there's a late parade and fireworks down near the beach around 11:30 pm (if we're all awake and energetic enough to go there). And there you have it, the 2009 New Year's Eve for The Bold Soul.
Long gone are the days when I would get depressed if I didn't have a big party to go. I no longer think I'm a loser if I choose to go to bed before midnight on December 31st; if I'm tired, then I'm tired, tant pis for the holiday.
I think we tend to make far too much of this particular day, this particular evening, this particular occasion. I DO think the first of the year is a good time to take stock of one's life and to set one's intentions for the year ahead. But that's about looking forward and creating something great with the future. When we put too much importance on whether or not we got invited to the "in" parties this year, on whether or not we've got a hot date, on whether or not we found (or even fit in) the perfect size 4 cocktail dress, then I think that means we've let ourselves get caught up in the wrong things, the things that don't really matter in the first place. New Year's Eve isn't about a popularity contest. It's not a measurement of our self-worth. It's just another night.
And the sun will still come out again the next day, whether or not you had someone to kiss at midnight the night before. I'm glad, of course, that I have my special someone to kiss (I waited many years for him so I have every right to be happy about it), but I don't care if it's at midnight tonight or not. I'm glad we're making the effort to make the evening a little bit special for ourselves and G's little boy, but the way we're doing it is just perfect and it doesn't need to be any bigger or more "exciting" to make me happy.
The most important thing? Being happy and well in your skin no matter WHAT day of the year it is.
A very Happy New Year to you in 2010. I hope the year brings you every little bold thing your heart desires!
