... because the vet might tell me she needs to take some pills.
My mother forwarded this to me this morning (she knows all about Clachat) and I nearly peed my pants laughing. Don't know the original source.
How to Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of
your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on
either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding
pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close
mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom,
and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in
left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push
pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of
ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish
bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand
while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat
vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil
wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from
below armpit. Put pill in end ofdrinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow
down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
humans, drink one beer to take pill taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's
forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from
neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and
close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert
spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver
from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of
scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for
date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss
back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from
bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across
the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front
paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table,
find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large
piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints
of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch.
Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches
fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture
shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to
collect mutant cat from hell. Call local pet shop to see if they have any
hamsters.
How To
Give A Dog A Pill
1.
Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss bacon in the air.
