Allow me to introduce myself. Je m'appelle la Jongleuse.
Juggle. Juggle. Juggle. All day long, I'm trying to keep those balls in the air, just like a lot of other women and a fair number of men, too. I will spare you the gory details of just what and how much I am trying to juggle because it will tempt us both to draw comparisons (the "Oh, you think YOU have it bad; you should see MY life!" kind of thing), and I don't think that's fair to anyone as it would be like comparing juggling apples and oranges. Instead, I want to talk about how I am really, REALLY struggling right now with the juggling act.
I've always thought of myself as a pretty successful juggler, although not in the literal sense; if I tried to juggle raw eggs they'd end up smashed on the floor during the first rotation. But in life, I mean, I always have had to juggle things like multiple work responsibilities, clients and projects, and I was always damn good at it. I was always known as the kind of person who could be relied upon to get it done, and get it done well and on time, and I was proud of that reputation.
And today I am wondering one thing: where in the hell did THAT woman go? Because that part of "me" seems to have completely disappeared, and I'm not at all happy about it as I really need her, now more than ever. Without her, I'm dropping balls right and left, and constantly feeling the need to apologize to people because of it. "Sorry, I didn't get to the supermarket today, we're out of juice, and there's nothing to eat for dinner." "I know I promised I'd have that chapter written three days ago but I need a few more days." "I feel like a bad friend because I haven't called you/seen you in AGES, and I'm so sorry!" I am as sick of apologizing for my lapses in productivity as other people probably are of listening to the apologies.
Maybe it's that I'm coming to the REAL juggling act -- love, marriage, children, house care, friends, PLUS career -- later in life, and that's why lately I feel like I am absolutely drowning when it comes to my professional productivity. Or more to the point, the LACK of it. Is this the "can't teach an old dog new tricks" syndrome? Am I too old now to leap-frog from one thing to another and still be able to accomplish something? I am finding it much harder than it used to be to handle interruptions in my work, or even to get myself started to work. I am feeling completely overwhelmed by the sum total of the massive life changes of the past couple of years, and it's affecting my ability to focus on something that is actually really important to me:
WRITING.
I have two big client projects that need to be finished but which are in some state of partial completion, crawling along at a snail's pace for well over a year now; and while some of the delays were not of my doing, many of them were. I have a book I want to write, a book I am dying to write and which I think about writing every single day, but a book I'm completely stalled in even really starting. I also need to get out there and pick up some new projects to keep some kind of cash flow going because it's not like this blog is making me any money. And what am I doing? NOTHING. Well, nothing productive, at any rate, and nothing that is advancing the cause, so to speak.
Logic, of course, has nothing to do with any of this stuff I'm struggling with. I know all the things I'm supposed to do; I've coached dozens of people in this exact situation for years. I know all the time management tricks, and I know that if I (for instance) lit a fire under my own butt and finished even one of those two client projects, I'd feel like a zillion per cent better about everything.
Yet I feel completely stuck. I have hit the proverbial wall like a cartoon character, and haven't managed to peel myself off yet. Every day I wake up and resolve to do better; an hour or so later when I could be and should be writing, I am frittering instead.
I can feel that I'm utterly distracted by "things". The things I'm doing when I should be doing other things; the things I'm not doing but want to do; and future things. On the one hand, some of the things I'm distracted by are really good things. I'm still head over heels in love with the love of my life, and every day he gives me something to smile about. Marrying Georges, despite the peripheral challenges that went along with merging our two lives together, is still the best decision I ever made and really it was the most effortless decision, too. There are challenges in the step-mom department from time to time with one or another of the three kids that sometimes stress me out, but then there are also really GREAT things that go on nearly every day that make me feel I'm doing at least some things right as a novice parent-figure. And there are some plans on the table for the future that are all good as well.
But even the good stuff can distract a person and turn her from a poster child for efficiency into the most scatterbrained wreck of a woman. And right now I feel a lot closer to "wreck" on the spectrum.
I have people I look to as role models in my life, people I know who have had even more challenges in the whole "life balance" department than I am having, and who still managed to write books or run businesses, or even get a hair cut. I feel like I am turning into one of those fat, frumpy, haus-fraus who feel lucky if they manage to take a shower every other day. I know I am just as smart as my role models, and in my own way (again, trying to avoid detailed comparisons) I'm just as brilliant and talented, and just as capable.
And I feel completely stuck as to how to sort this out and get the pendulum swinging in the other direction.
The good news is, I'm not on my own in all this. I have a husband I can actually TALK to about these things, and he's fantastic. But I don't expect him to shoulder the burden of all my emotional needs, so I've recently reached out to a friend/coach who I'm hoping can shine a little light on things for me, to at least give me a gentle shove (with a cattle prod) in the right direction. She's one of those role models I mentioned who has successfully "been there and done that", and more than once, too. I think I will be in good hands.
I also have enough life experience and perspective to know that this, too, shall pass in time. I may feel stuck now, but I know it won't be forever. After a roller-coaster of a year where my life completely changed just because I decided to step off a bus and meet a new man one Tuesday afternoon, now I am having to deal with the aftermath, as well as to seek new dreams to chase. I have these bold new dreams in my sights -- both of them -- and now it's a matter of getting my act together so I can actually get there, and sooner rather than later. Those dreams, once attained, will change my life once again in ways I probably can't even imagine at the present time. And I'll have to learn to cope with THAT new reality as well, all over again. Juggling, juggling and more juggling.
C'est la vie pour la Jongleuse.
