I seem to be going through a phase of regular insomnia, where at least every other night, and sometimes more than one night in a row, I either never really get to sleep in the first place, or if I do I wake up at 2 or 3 or 4am and then can't get back to sleep again for several hours. And I am bloody well unhappy about it, and it is frustrating enough to make me cry (probably from sheer exhaustion).
I only got about 3 to 4 hours of sleep last night, and not all of it in one chunk, either. Plus I was tossing and turning, just couldn't get comfortable. I am someone who operates best on at least 6.5-7 hours and preferably a full eight, so this is like running on a nearly empty tank. My brain seems to be missing. And the worst part is, I think I was keeping Georges from sleeping, too, which makes me feel horrible as he's got a "real" job where he needs to actually THINK during the day. I'm not sure the coffee and hot apple strudel we enjoyed on our way into work together was enough to really wake either of us up sufficiently, not after a long night of not sleeping and watching the clock to see just HOW much sleep we were not getting.
When I was a child, I slept like a log. I could sleep through anything, and once I even slept through a near-tornado -- never heard the winds or the commotion (and fortunately it was NOT an actual tornado but that's how my little sister described it at the time). I don't recall ever having sleeping problems through my adolescence and even into my 20s.
It is mainly in the past decade that my sleep habits have shifted. I'm not entirely sure why, and there probably isn't just one reason for it. I've had people tell me it's hormonal -- a natural part of the changes a woman's body goes through as you're closing in on menopause. Sometimes the hormone shifts create anxieties which keep you up nights thinking too much. So that's certainly possible. But I don't think that's all of it.
Some people say it's natural to need less sleep as we get older but really, I feel like my body still NEEDS more sleep than 4 fitful hours' worth. So I don't think I am yet at the stage where I can be fine with not sleeping as much.
I admit to having a minor "princess and the pea" complex, where if (for whatever reason) I cannot get completely comfortable or if one thing is out of whack, I just cannot go to sleep. This can include anything from having to pee even a tiny bit (even if I've already gone 15 minutes ago) to various joint or back aches to my pillow not being quite right, and the list can go on and on. I must drive Georges crazy when I can't get comfortable enough to sleep decently, because I'm just fidgeting constantly trying to find the right "spot" that will allow me to finally doze off.
Then there are the radical changes that have taken place in my personal life in the past months. After many years of not sleeping with anyone and having the bed to myself, I have had to adjust to sharing the sleeping space all over again. (Not that I mind this, of course. And now I am so used to Georges being next to me that when we're apart, I sometimes can't sleep BECAUSE he's not next to me.)
Yet I find my mind is often working overtime just at the time of day when I need it to shut up already. It's as if my brain is a small child who just won't go to sleep and is constantly seeking excuses to stay up for just 5 more minutes please? And 5 minutes more after that? And I need a drink of water... Georges and I have a lot of wonderful, important things we are discussing and planning for the future, and with that of course there are a lot of details to sort out and sometimes I get thinking about all of that. Not worrying about it, just thinking about it because there is a lot to think about even though it's all good stuff. So I do think this is a factor in my recent insomnia.
Whatever the reason, however, I have been a bit reluctant to constantly resort to taking anything at night to help make me sleepier, especially because in my experience with things like melatonin or Tylenol PM, they might help me GET to sleep but they are no guarantee of STAYING asleep without interruption. So it seems kind of pointless to put something into my body if it isn't even going to work properly. And I have no intention of asking a doctor or pharmacist for anything stronger.
I know that this will eventually pass, the not sleeping all the time. Change is a part of life, and whether this sleeplessness is the result of changing hormones or changing life circumstances, eventually THAT will change again as well, and I will enjoy a better quality of sleep.
Someday. Soon. I hope. Meantime, if you will excuse me, I need a nap. And it's only 10:50 am.
