The New York Times came out with this very timely article today about how Americans have lost touch with the idea of the family meal and how holidays like Thanksgiving can often bring out the worst in you and your relatives, rather than the best.
Americans: take note before you sit down to your turkey feast tomorrow! And remember this again next month over the Christmas/Hanukah holidays, too.
We're now officially entering the Holiday Zone, and it's often a very difficult time for a lot of people. Old grudges and differences of opinion often die hard, and once the distraction of the food has passed, people might be tempted to argue rather than converse around the table.
Tips from this article I particularly liked:
- Family holiday dinners are a good time to dust off your manners. Although in some families it's possible that etiquette wasn't emphasized, all etiquette really is, is the ability to make others feel comfortable, to apply consideration and respect in your dealings with others. It's not about being snobby or putting on airs to be someone you're not; it's about ensuring that your guests feel safe and taken care of while they're in your home.
- To that end, the host should never allow a guest to feel under attack or left out. It's the host's job to change the conversation or make a special effort to include someone who seems to be the "outsider".
- Holidays are NOT the time to try to rehash old family arguments or to prove you're "right" at someone else's expense. If there's a point of tension between you and another family member, decide in advance how you plan to handle yourself even if the other person "starts something" (because you can't control how the other person might choose to behave, you can only control your own behavior).
- If people at your gathering are likely to wander off, have activities planned. Rent some DVDs for the kids to keep them occupied; offer to tape the football game during dinner to show later on, so the football junkies aren't leaving the table every five minutes to check the score. Ask everyone to turn off their cell phones and no text messaging during the meal!
- Don't put pressure on yourself and everyone else to become the perfect family, just because it's a holiday. Relax and help others do the same. Focus on finding the fun, entertaining points of being together with this group of people instead of pretending your family is the Leave it to Beaver crew or the Brady Bunch. The more you manage your expectations, the more enjoyable the party will be - for you and for everyone else in the room. Remember - it's just a meal, it's not going to make or break your entire life if it's not perfect.
This year, I'm missing my family Thanksgiving. Our entire blended family, in-laws and all, will be together for the first time in several years - except for me. Is our family perfect? No way. Do holidays erase past hurts between family members? I'm sure not. But I actually enjoy our family holidays quite a bit. My sister married into a family with a great sense of humor, so inevitably there is more laughter going on than anything else. I'll miss the leftovers, but more than that, I'll miss the laughter. And the aftermath -- pictures like THESE.
I'm very grateful to have a family where I can enjoy being with them on the holidays, even though personally I find preparations for big holiday dinners to be rather stressful and I am firmly committed to NEVER preparing a turkey -- that's what caterers (and mothers and sisters) are for.
That's why I can't wait to be with my family at Christmas. Not only will I have fun being with them all again, but someone else will be cooking the meat -- all the while complaining to me about how come I never do it. It's a holiday tradition.
