As if I haven't got enough to think about lately -- what with moving to France and dealing with the unexpected twist in those plans, studying for a TEFL certification, resuming my French lessons, finishing outstanding client projects and trying to line up some new ones, trying to lose weight and trying to spend time with my friends and family before I leave in November -- for some time now, I have been trying to get myself back "out there". As in "out there in the dating pool again".
I am ambivalent about dating again. On the one hand, I've been alone way too long, and not only is that no fun but it's unhealthy, not having love in one's life. I DO want to meet a nice man, someone I can really love and be loved by, in all the right ways.
But on the other hand, I'm scared. Scared of being hurt again, yes, but for some reason the thing I'm scared of is that I've completely FORGOTTEN how to be around men in a romantic sense. I haven't been in love since 1997. I haven't been on a date or been (ahem) intimate with a man since, oh, 1999 maybe? (See, it's been so long, I've lost track.)
So what I want to know is, where the hell is the Instruction Manual for how to re-enter the dating scene when you're 45, still single, and WAY out of practice? And I know darn well I'm not the only one who needs this information; there are thousands of divorced or widowed people who are equally intimidated by the prospects of having coffee with a new person, let alone forming a lasting relationship with someone.
Never mind why I've let myself get so out of touch with the opposite sex; the reasons are not all that interesting, and it no longer matters. The fact is, I'm in a rut. And I do want to get out of it. I now have the perfect opportunity to do that, because I am going to the perfect place where romance can blossom at ANY age.
I know there are books out there that have all kinds of helpful hints on how and where to find good men. I know there are websites like Meetic and Match.com. I know you can meet men just about anyplace you happen to be. THAT is not my problem. My problem is that I have never been that good at flirting and dating in general, and now after a nearly 10-year hiatus I'm even rustier at it than ever. It's my insecurities that are what's stopping me.
So where are the instructions for:
- How to get over the fact that your body is not only still overweight but is aging and starting to get a little "saggy"? I see out of shape, older women all the time who are out there dating very successfully, and logic would dictate that if those women can do it, I should be able to do it, too. Thank God I'm going to a country where (as I was recently and happily reminded by Rue Rude) men appreciate mature women. That should help me feel less like I'm competing with every 20-year old anorexic nymph on earth.
- How do you learn to flirt again when you were never very clever at it to begin with? I'm good at harmless flirting with men I already know, men who are friends, the safe men. But when a man I don't know flirts with me, I'm either slow to realize it's flirting, or I don't trust it. Do I not think I'm "flirtable"? Is that the problem?
- How do I get up the nerve to actually communicate with someone who seems interested in me? I signed up for Meetic.com since that seems to be one of the popular dating websites in France (I'm not sure Match.com has much of a selection outside the US but maybe I'm wrong). A few men have sent me "teaser" messages; and my first reaction is "DELETE!" Is that because these particular men aren't appealing to me? Am I being too picky? Or am I just afraid of what would happen if I took the next step?
- How do I let my guard down enough to let someone into my life again? I have no regrets that my last relationship is long over and he's history. But there's a part of me that was so convinced he was "the one" that I think it's been difficult for me to visualize someone else even better being in my life every day again. I know there is someone better, and I know I deserve better. But I can't quite "see" it yet. I can't imagine not being able to sleep all over the bed if I want to. Having to share a bathroom. Having to share the rent. Having to share a life.
- How do I let someone be caring and nurturing to me when I've been used to taking care of myself, by myself, for years? I don't know how NOT to be strong and capable, as exhausting as it sometimes is to carry the load by myself. It's not going to be easy to give up some control and to compromise, to have to ask someone's opinion and consider them before making big decisions. At 45, there's a part of me that LOVES my independence and freedom -- after all, it's being alone that is making it that much easier for me to pack up and move to Paris without having to worry about a husband/boyfriend or children. I can be totally selfish and it's perfectly OK, because no one else is going to get hurt by my selfishness.
I don't have the answers yet. And I sure don't have the flipping Instructions to navigate back into this unfamiliar world, which scares me even though I WANT it, badly. I think what I am MOST afraid of right now is that, being out of practice, being lonely for love (though I hate to admit it and for God's sake do NOT write to me with comforting, pitying platitudes about this), and being someone with a track record of getting involved with men who are unavailable commitment-phobes -- I'm afraid I will end up repeating old patterns of romantic behavior that I know are not good for me, that do not get me what I really want and need to be happy. I'm afraid I'll fall for the wrong guy simply because he might be the first guy in a decade to shower me with a little attention. And I'm equally afraid that my fears about NOT doing that will cause me to put up barriers and I'll miss out on someone really great.
What helps, though, is reading blogs by women who have found truly wonderful men. Men who can be trusted. Men who do show affection. Men who cook. Men who are supportive of new things their women want to do. Men who are funny and fun to be with. Men who are there when the shit hits the fan. Men who go out of their way to make these women feel special, cherished, and valued. Men with whom these women never have to play those head-games, or wonder "why he's just not that into" them. Special men. Loving men. Nice men. Good men. They come in all shapes and sizes, all nationalities and backgrounds.
Some women find these great guys when they're young, like how my sister met her husband a few months after graduating college in 1985; now they are celebrating their 20th anniversary next week. Well, that window of opportunity is no longer open for me; I'll never see my 20's or my 30's again, so "young love" is not an option.
But some lucky women find their "others" the second time around or later in life, and they find the magic can still exist and he was worth the wait. Even Diane Sawyer - smart, beautiful and successful - didn't meet her first husband until she was 43. It's THOSE women, THOSE stories, that fill me with hope rather than envy. Hope that if they can find love after a certain age, then so can I.
Despite the fact that I have apparently misplaced the instruction sheet for mid-life dating re-entry.
Thanks to Sunday Scribblings for this prompt.
