What would you be willing to do in order to get something you really wanted?
That was the question I had to ask myself last night. I was driving home after having met with a new client, someone who took the trouble and expense to fly in from out of town to talk to me, in person, about writing his book (now that's a motivated client!) We spent almost four hours getting acquainted and discussing his ideas for his book. The meeting was enough to convince both of us that this seemed like a good collaborative fit and that we wanted to do the project together. With the last half-hour we had before he had to hop a flight home, we got down to the nitty-gritty: what's it gonna cost?
Prior to this meeting, though I had given the client my base price for writing a book, I also told him that it sounded like his book would require more work than that base price would allow. But I didn't have enough information yet to give him a firm price over the phone. In preparing for this face-to-face meeting, I thought long and hard about what I thought this project was "worth" and what my time was also "worth".
The client wanted a faster-than-normal turnaround and it was a pretty good-sized book. So, I set what was I knew was a high, but not unreasonably high, price. However, to balance that price, I included some "extras" like a complete book proposal and some personal coaching for authors. As such, I felt it was a fair price considering everything. And I figured, if I don't ask for the price I want, I surely will not get it. What have I got to lose?
When the client and I got down to the numbers... well, as often happens in business negotiations, the stumbling block was the price. My price was literally double what he, in his mind, had budgeted for the project... and he had some serious sticker-shock. Hey, it happens... most people have no idea what it costs to hire a good ghostwriter or what the work effort entails, and when they hear numbers like $15,000... $25,000... $40,000... or even, in some cases, much more, well they just aren't mentally prepared.
I don't blame him for being surprised, and I don't think he was blaming me for wanting to get paid what I think I'm worth. It's not that HIS price was wrong, or that MY price was wrong. They were, however, significantly far apart. It had to come down to compromise. Where could we both compromise to get as much of what we both want as possible and where it's a win-win for both of us? The client and I decided we would both think about it overnight and see what we could come up with.
That's what I was thinking about as I drove home from the meeting. Can I compromise? Do I even want to? What's it worth to me to be flexible in this situation? How far can I bend without going too far and compromising in a way that feels all wrong to me? What's the best way for me to ask the other person to compromise a little, too?
After all, there are really two kinds of "compromising": (1) there's the kind that is about being flexible and where both parties try to find the best all-around solution so that each person feels he or she is being treated fairly; and there's (2) the kind of compromising where only one person is doing the "compromising" and that person runs the risk of losing his or her self-respect and dignity, of undervaluing himself or herself. First type, GOOD; second type, BAD. The latter type has "doormat" or "sucker" written all over it. It's when what you're really compromising is your very soul because what the other person is asking, expecting or demanding of you is so far outside your natural boundaries of what is healthy for you, that you can't even SEE the boundary line anymore, you're that far away from it.
My mission: to strike that happy balance and find the right way to compromise without selling my soul. And before I got home, I had made up my mind. I knew I really wanted the job because of the type of project it was, and I also knew that financially I'd be a fool NOT to take it if were offered, even if I had to drop my price. The client had already made it clear that I'm the writer he most wanted to work with. All of that was, I decided, some pretty good incentive to compromise. I came up with a counter-offer where we would each give something so that it would still feel like a good deal all the way around.
What has occurred to me as a result of having to make this decision is, just how delicate that balance of "good vs. bad compromise" can be. There is such a fine line, and it's not always easy to know, definitively, where that line needs to be drawn. At what point do you decide to let go of your ego and pride (and where money is concerned, maybe even a little bit of natural greed) so that you can take a chance on something better; and where do you have to set boundaries to protect your pride and your sense of self-esteem? Where is the line between giving in "just enough" and giving in "too much"?
Whether it's negotiating a business deal, a job offer, the purchase of a car or a house, or negotiating with your lover, partner or spouse, compromise is a sticky subject. Because when it gets right down to it, each of us has a 5-year-old inside of us screaming, "I WANT MY OWN WAY, AND I WANT IT NOW!" That's the ego talking, and the ego has all the self-control of a small, unruly child. It wants what it wants when it wants it and everyone else's needs be damned. Mature adults hopefully learn that sometimes, the other guy has to get his way, or the other girl gets to go first. We can't always get our own way in life.
Part of the problem with our ability to effectively compromise comes from our cultural win-lose competitive mentality. We often feel that we have to win, and win at any cost. And we equate getting our way with winning. Our society values "winners", and the message we are often given from birth is that if you're not the winner, then you're the loser, and that's BAD. When you look at life that way, then what you're focusing on is being the winner and making someone else out to be the loser in the relationship. In other words, someone else has to feel BAD so that you can feel GOOD about yourself.
Does that sound healthy? Does that sound mature? Is that the sign of an evolved human being?
So to me, compromise really is about finding that delicate balancing point where, even if you have to give up a little of what you wanted, you can still get enough of what you really need in order to feel good. And so can the other person. It is about knowing where your rock-bottom boundaries are, too, and about having standards. If you try and stretch your willingness to compromise too far, to the point where you lose your self-respect or peace of mind, you only end up feeling resentful, and when that happens, no one really wins.
Compromise and negotiation is a part of life. It's a bit scary when you're going through that negotiating process because you don't necessarily know how it might turn out or where the relationship will end up. But if done right, both people can come away feeling good about the outcome, and then get on with things.
Oh, and by the way... the client said "Yes".