How to babysit when you have no kids of your own

I am just back from spending nearly 24 hours in the company of my best friend and her family, because they needed someone to babysit all day today.  My friend, Wendy, is a nurse and had to work today; her husband, Steve, took their oldest daughter Brittany and a friend (both age 12) to an all day, outdoor multi-band rock concert called The Warp Tour, or something to that effect. I was called into service to stay with the three (yes, 3) younger siblings, Tyler (10), Andrew (7) and Kendal (nearly 5).

I am exhausted.

Let me just state for the record that as babysitting situations go, I've got it pretty easy whenever I am asked to stay with these children. I have known them since before they were born, they call me "Aunt Lisa" and I call them my honorary nieces and nephews; none of them are in diapers any more; they are easy to manage and very cooperative, and I rarely get an argument or a hard time from any of them. So believe me, as someone with years of various babysitting gigs under my belt since I was 12, I know it could be a lot worse. They are a wonderful group of kids whom I love. They are also very high energy and loud, and when I come over, they get very excited because they view me as just an older playmate, and they all want my constant attention. For a woman who does not live among children on a regular basis, a day spent even with the most wonderful children is a day made for chaos.

For those of you who are single and childless, if you are ever asked to babysit for a friend's children, you might feel a bit apprehensive about it. Here's my "cheat sheet" for how to cope with being responsible for someone else's kids for an extended (or even a short) period of time.

1. If your babysitting tour of duty involves an early start time, as mine did (I had to be there by 7:30am) sleep over the night before. It saves time in the morning and frankly the kids won't care if your hair looks like rats nested there and you have racoon eyes because you forgot to take off your makeup. Oh, the kids will COMMENT on it, but they won't care, and after all who are they gonna tell? It's not like you spend your time traveling in the same social circles.
2. In the morning, get up before the kids, if possible. Even if the kids in question are old enough to be left unsupervised while you hop in the shower, the fact is that if you get up before they do, it will be your ONLY quiet time for the entire day, so grab that second cup of coffee and a peek at the newspaper while you have the opportunity.
3. Breakfast: know in advance that none of the children will be able to make a decision about what they want to eat for breakfast, and once they DO tell you what they want and you prepare it, they will either (a) not eat at all or (b) eat a few bites, decide they no longer like their favorite breakfast cereal and will ask for something else. They will also not want to sit down and eat all at the same time. When they leave the table, do not eat their leftovers instead of (or in addition to) your own breakfast. That's how women put on those extra pounds. Just chuck the uneaten remains in the trash. Let the parents worry about "wasting food".
4. Immediately after breakfast, while you are still cleaning up the breakfast mess, you will hear your first whine of, "I'm boorrreeedddd...".  Get used to it. You'll hear it a lot.
5. While trying to entertain the first one to claim boredom (the youngest child of course, and the one least able to entertain herself), make sure you also simultaneously help the middle child with his massive Star Wars Lego project AND give the oldest one some attention when he wants to show off his latest computer game.
6. Many people feel it's not healthy for children to watch too much T.V.  That's all well and good if the children in question are your own, but when you are babysitting, all bets are off.  I like to come prepared with an ample selection of suitable videos and DVD's rated G and PG to keep the kids catatonic entertained for hours on end, and have no problem slipping in the odd PG-13 if the "13" is for language (but no violence or nudity) if it's a movie I think the kids will really enjoy (today, it was "Cocoon" which I remembered as a tame movie but forgot about all the Damns, God-damns, Shits and even the odd F word. And yes, the kids noticed the "bad" words - they always do). I rationalize my lazy babysitting behavior because I figure that (a) the more time I can get them sitting quietly in front of the boob-tube, the more sanity and patience I will have for them later in the day when they want me to play yet another round of a lame board game; and (b) they probably hear that kind of language all time time at school anyway.
7. Same goes for the snacking issue. When I'm babysitting, frankly I don't care what they eat as long as they eat a little bit of something healthy before they start clamoring for a "snack". If they are wired up on a sugar high when their parents get home later, that's the parent's problem - serves them right for asking me to babysit instead of hiring a qualified nutritionist.
8. Lunch: refer back to point #3. It's the same deal as breakfast. No one eats the same foods and at least one child will be a really picky or light eater. Don't force the issue and don't force-feed the child. He/she won't starve to death before Mom and Dad return.
9. When the youngest child has to be driven to a birthday party because Mom won't be home from work in time to get her there (and for which you have no written driving directions but will rely on the oldest child to serve as official navigator since he knows the neighborhood), make sure that (a) her hair is especially knotted up from swimming so that you have to spend at least 30 minutes torturing her while you try to make her hair look reasonably presentable; (b) that she spends another 30 minutes wanting to try on at least 7 outfits before she can decide that it really IS too hot out to wear jeans and anyway her new jeans with the sequins and chains are still too big for her (this child is 5 but already a fashionista).
10. When the parents return, make sure to tell them how great the kids behaved all day (because they really did) and  receive their undying gratitude for helping them out (because they sincerely do mean every word), and as you are finally released from bondage babysitting, suddenly remember on the drive home that in your flight to freedom you left your brand new Nikon digital camera in the dining room.  Damn, now you'll have to go back later in the week. Oh well, the kids will be happy to see you - and will be begging you to play with the Legos again.

For a little extra ZING! in your babysitting experience, try the following.  Just as you are realizing the day is more than half over, and you are breathing a sigh of relief that the kids are well, happy, not fighting with each other, and suitably entertained, get a panicked cell phone call from the friend of the oldest daughter who is at the all day rock concert.  Have her tell you, in static-y cell phone style, that she has somehow gotten separated from the Dad, and could you please call the Dad's cell phone and tell him where she is? She then proceeds to tell you her location at this rock venue, which you cannot understand because of all the noise on her end. Have the phone suddenly cut out before you can ask her to repeat herself more clearly.

Spend the next 10 minutes trying to reach both the girl (thanks to Caller ID you got her number at least) and the Dad; but getting voice mail only for both. Leave messages for both of them to call you at home. When the girl calls back, try again to find out what the hell is going on there, and is the other girl with her.  Yes, she is, they are together.  OK, you tell them, make sure you STAY TOGETHER and STAY IN ONE PLACE.  Then, hear the girl say something about someone having passed out in the horrific 100 degree August heatwave, when the phone cuts out again.

Now you are really panicked.  Who passed out? How did the girls get separated from Dad, who is probably the most cautious and concerned Dad on the planet, and whose daughter is not the type to just skip off on her own without permission. Try the girl's cell again - this time you get her in person. You are able to get her exact location at the concert and tell her that they should not go anywhere with ANYONE unless they find Dad or they can find a uniformed policeman (after having scary mental image of some pervy guy saying "Here, girls, come this way, I'll help you find your dad" and the next thing you know, we're all on the blankety-blank 6 o'clock news). Tell her to check back in with me in a few minutes to let me know what is going on. Try Dad's cell again, still no answer, so leave message with location of girls at concert. Get off phone and pray, try not to freak out and wonder what else I can do.

Just as I am on the verge of either calling the mother at work (not that she could do much except panic) or of trying to reach my 18-year-old nephew (who coincidentally was scheduled to be at the same concert) in a desperate hope that maybe HE could locate the two girls so at least there would be someone there with them that I knew... the Dad finally calls. He has found the girls. Turns out Brittany wasn't feeling well and she asked him to get her a bottle of water. He told them to stay put and went for the water. While he was gone, Brittany passed out briefly from the heat and from jumping up and down too much listening to her favorite bands. Someone caught her before she fell so she wasn't hurt. She was taken to some tent set up for exactly this purpose, and her friend went along. Dad came back and the girls were gone. He decided to stay right there for a while trying to find them and make it easy for them to find him. Eventually somehow they were reunited and all was well. They came home early from the concert, Dad wisely deciding that enough was enough and the heat was too much. Me - breathing a huge sigh of relief. The Dad probably aged about 5 years in that one hour, though.

The highlight of my day?  Andrew, the middle child, telling me last night as we all sat around eating ice cream in the kitchen, that I was "awesome".  Previously I thought he liked me a lot but mainly believed I bought "awesome" presents for birthdays and Christmas. To have him call ME "awesome" in the same tone of voice he would use if he met his favorite actor, sports star or superhero, was the best payment a babysitter could ever have. And he said it before I was officially "on duty" too.  Sure is nice to feel appreciated, isn't it?

I think I am turning in early tonight, though, after thanking the powers that Be for the fact that I have no children. I love children, and these children in particular, but at 44 I just haven't got the energy to do THAT every day. And tomorrow I will remember to pick up a hair-color kit to hide the new gray hairs that have mysteriously appeared.