Today, my nephew, Steve, has gone off to college for the first time. He's going to Bloomsburg U in Pennsylvania - same school his mother (my sister) went to. I have known for a long time that I was going to get emotional when I said goodbye to him, because it goes with the territory of wearing the "emotional one" label in my family, and long ago I stopped fighting it or judging myself harshly for it. I think it's a mark of inner strength when we're not afraid to show genuine emotion -- like having someone you love go away to start a new whole life.
I'm proud of him, and excited for him - he has the whole world ahead of him, new things to learn, new friends to meet. I'm also afraid for him and what lies ahead because now he's "out there" more or less on his own, and I know he's got to deal with it himself, and it won't always be easy -- and he has that lesson to learn, among others. He's had a blessed childhood and a very easy life so far - no major childhood traumas or emotional scars (unlike, for example, his friend Joe whose mother died about 2 years ago). Experience tells me that none of us go through life unscathed, because it's our challenges that give us an opportunity to define who we are and who we want to become. Therefore, I know that sooner or later, life will provide him with those challenges. All we, the adults who love and care for him, can do is to prepare him for that, and let him do whatever he's going to do.
As his favorite aunt (and yes, I AM his favorite. Really, I am!), I'm also in the position of knowing that I can share my life philosophy with him and offer him advice if he wants it, but because I am not his mother there are also limits to my influence. That's really okay, because he has two wonderful parents and a very good relationship with both of them, especially for an 18-year-old who can really try a person's patience at times. But Steve and I have been very close throughout his life and I know he's the next best thing to having a son of my own that I will ever have.
So, him leaving for college has been a bit of an emotional wringer for me that started a few months ago around his graduation, and I was doing a pretty good job of hiding managing my tendency to leak around the eyes -- until yesterday.
I arrived at my sister's house in the late afternoon, dropping off my niece after we spent the afternoon pampering ourselves with manis and pedis (part of her recent birthday gift from Aunt Lisa. I'm HER favorite aunt too, but I try not to rub it in to her other two aunts). When I got there, Steve was home, along with his adorable girlfriend Angie (we LOVE her - see how cute she is?) and two of his very close buddies, Joe and K.P. Steve has a really great group of friends and of course since they are all going to college they have been spending as much time together as a group as possible. But I guess Joe and K.P. showed up for one last goodbye.
I must have arrived right after something signficant happened between the three guys - I'm not sure what, maybe they gave Steve a going-away gift or card - and the next thing I know, K.P. is wiping tears from his eyes and Steve is doing the same thing. At first, I assumed they were "fake" crying... you know, guys kidding around and teasing each other as guys tend to do. Then I said to my niece, "Are they both REALLY crying?" and she said, very matter-of-factly, "Yup. Steve's very sensitive."
Although a typical teenager who often forgets about other people because he's so focused on his own life (that's just what teens do) I've always known Steve was sensitive in his way - he's not the type of guy to make fun of another kid in a mean way, for instance; when Joe's mother died, Steve and the other kids rallied around him and became part of Joe's "family"; and once, when he was around 8 or 9 and I was laid up with a broken leg, he was keeping me company watching TV and I started to fall asleep, and the next thing I know I feel him covering me with a blanket! He said he thought I might get cold. How cute was that?!
When he was little, he used to cry whenever he had a temper tantrum - which was pretty often (that red hair comes with a temperament to match); but I honestly don't think I've seen him cry since he was at least 10. So yesterday, when I realized that he and his buddy were genuinely misting up, I was so moved I had to leave the room.
Shortly after that, Steve's friends had to leave, so the 4 teens went outside to say their farewells. Beth and I decided to peek at them through the window (being a typical little sister she wanted to tease him about having cried, but I told her she had to let him be). Watching these young men say goodbye was like watching brothers being separated by going off to war. They each hugged SO tightly, first Steve and K.P., then Steve and Joe, and it was clear there were more tears flowing (as well as some embarrassed laughter), and Angie, looking on, just kept wiping her eyes. Then, as K.P. and Joe drove off, Joe stands up through the sunroof and is shouting "I LOVE YOU!!!" and Steve and Angie were shouting it right back at them as they drove off, Angie standing behind Steve with her arms around him to comfort him.
I realized that, for Steve, who has no natural brothers, his close friends ARE his brothers. He has been very fortunate to develop friendships like that during high school, and it would not surprise me if many of them remain friends for life with that kind of bond.
So, we give them a little time to collect themselves, and then we head downstairs to Steve's room where my sister is trying to get all the packing done and the bags, boxes and TV in the 2 cars. I can see Steve is still trying to compose himself by checking his voice mail on his cell phone. Then Angie checks her voice mail and tell us that one of her friends left a message but the girl was crying so hard Angie couldn't make out what the message was. Clearly, these kids are having some major separation anxieties from their peers, which I find very sweet.
A little while later, I decide it's time for me to go, along with their Golden Retriever, Abbie, who we are looking after a lot these days while my sister's family moves and builds a new house. (At least we now have a nice fenced in yard for her to run free in!) I knew there was NO WAY I was going to stop myself from crying, and crying HARD.
What REALLY did me in was that I wasn't the only one crying this time.
My beautiful, tall, loving nephew actually cried right along with me, as we hugged and hugged and hugged (he is a great hugger - obviously a product of a family of huggy people). We babbled our nearly incoherent "I'll miss yous" and "I love yous" and "Let me know if you need anything" in weepy, tear-stained voices as we tried to get ourselves under control. I was just inches away from going into the "ugly cry" and I could feel him on the verge, too. Then I kissed him and left with the dog.
Less than an hour later, the dog and I are enjoying a ball-toss in the yard and who shows up? STEVE. He had to meet his dad at their old house, around the corner, to pick up one or two last heavy things before they sell the house (tomorrow) and Steve had to come over and borrow some tools. And I thought, "DAMN! I just got done crying all over him, then crying in the car all the way home while talking to the dog, and I just now STOPPED crying, and now I am going to have to say goodbye to him all over again."
Sure enough, he came back a bit later. I told him to give his dog an extra hug (this is a very smart dog and she has been sad and listless all day today, and I know it's because she knows he's gone and she's just plain confused about the whole thing). Then I told him not to hang around too long because he had a lot of stuff to do before tomorrow - including he and Angie having to say goodbye to each other (which I sure was gut-wrenching for both of them, they are very close). So this time it wasn't as bad because we couldn't drag it out, but I just couldn't NOT shed a few more tears. As did Steve - just one or two. And we laughed at how silly we felt, at the same time we formed yet another bond -- that of people who have cried together, one of the most intimate thing any two people can do.
I feel so blessed to have had the privilege of watching this young man grow up and to have had an active part in his life, and he in mine. Our recent trip to Spamalot was one in a long line of memories we have made together over the past 18 years of his lifetime. He, and his sister, have made my life such a joy. I know things will never quite be the same now... it's a new era in our family, the first child has flown the nest at last.
At least we still have the younger child for 5 more years. I have forbidden her to grow up any more - she's already 13, has developed some curves and has had a pedicure for the first time. Last fall, she was maid of honor at her cousin's wedding and we all realized what she will look like in a few years time as she goes to her first prom... and someday gets married herself.
Damn these kids... nobody warns you how fast 18 years can really go. And in case you were wondering, I cried my way through writing this post, too.
P.S. Thursday, 4:00pm... This Just In. My sister, brother-in-law and niece just returned from taking Steve to his dorm. All went successfully. New roommate seems like a good guy. They got a corner room which is nice and quiet in a low-traffic area. Everything fit in the room except the 27" TV that Steve insisted on bringing... so his dad generously went out to Walmart and bought him a smaller one on the spot - God forbid they should be without TV for a few weeks. Steve met another guy from down the hall who also seemed nice. They went and got all his books (he is already planning to drop 2 classes and add 2 other ones). Classes begin on Monday. His mother and father didn't cry, but his little sister did... much as she used to do when she was a baby and Steven was 5 or 6, and whenever Steve got hurt or in trouble and cried, she would cry along with him, every single time. Oh well, she's got her own Bloomsburg college sweatshirt now, from the school bookstore, as a consolation prize.
