We've just past this year's Independence Day, and next week I'll be celebrating Bastille Day in New York City as a guest speaker for a group of francophones (I promise I am not attempting to speak in French. If you're interested, see the announcement in France-Amerique under "Gatherings"). Bastille Day, for those who don't know, is the French day of Independence, July 14th. So, it feels appropriate to talk about Independence - from the Single Girl's point of view.
It's all too easy for the unattached woman - or people who mistakenly pity her single status - to get very focused on "Why, oh WHY am I still single?!?" We remind ourselves of how fabulous we are, of what a catch we are, of what a total package we are, and how some man should count himself lucky to have us. At bridal showers, baby showers, and family holiday gatherings, we try to dodge Aunt Millie's inevitable, "So, dear, are you seeing anyone special? What are you waiting for; you're not getting any younger, you know."
In a culture that claims to prize "family values", marriage and parenthood above all else, a single woman, especially after a "certain age" can wind up, if she's not cautious, buying into the idea that if she's not married by a certain age, then she's either damaged goods, or there's something wrong with her. I suspect that there are still women, even in 2005, who marry someone they don't really love simply because they have convince themselves that it's the "last chance", and being married to ANYONE is better than being married to NO ONE, EVER.
At 44, I've grown to embrace a far different perspective. I think that if we're not married or in a committed relationship, it's because, consciously or not, we have made certain other things MORE important in our lives than being part of a couple. Even if we think we should want marriage and children, maybe deep down we're ambivalent about what that kind of life means.
I'm not single because I didn't have opportunities. I'm not single because there's something wrong with me. I'm single because on some level, I didn't WANT to be married yet. I had other things going on and those things were more important to me, that's all. And when it's important enough for me to "couple up", then I will do that.
One of the reasons I'm "still single" is that I truly do love my independence. One of the perks of single-dom is the ability to make your own decisions, follow your own path, and do pretty much what you want, without having to seek the permission or approval of someone else. As a single person, my life choices really don't have a significant impact on anyone else - if I decide to pack up and move to Paris, I don't have to worry about my husband's job or the impact on my children, because I have neither. Being single means you don't have to compromise (it's not that we don't or won't, just that we don't have to in most cases.)
Since I was a little girl, I've resisted the attempts of other people to control me or tell me what to do. I rebelled early against things like cleaning my room or going to church; I was someone who liked to analyze a situation and come up with my own ideas about it, rather than blindly accepting as "truth" what someone else told me. I'm sure I annoyed the hell out of my mother and some of my teachers, but what was really behind all this rebellion was a deeply independent spirit.
In my early romantic relationships, I had a rough time. My need for independence, and fears of losing it, drove a lot of my choices about men. First, I often chose men who were unavailable to me in one way, shape or form. Second, I would often be the one to "leave first", fearing abandonment and fearing needing someone "too much". Neither of those traits are exactly ideal for someone wanting to be in a serious relationship.
The challenge in loving independence too much is that in order to NOT be "still single" anymore, you have to be willing to give up some of that independence in order to be with another person in an emotionally intimate way. In a relationship, there are two people, each of whom has their own needs, tastes, habits, and preferences. In a relationship, in order to be respectful and considerate of the other person, you sometimes have to solicit their opinions about your decisions, especially when those decisions directly impact your partner. In a relationship, there has to be compromise because no one can get their way 100% of the time. It's a balancing act and requires a whole other set of life skills beyond those required of someone who is single and wholey independent. You can't create real emotional intimacy if one of you mentally has one foot out the door.
Fortunately, with time, work (and a bit of therapy), I've learned how to balance my independent self with my need to have special people in my life. My friendships are healthier, as are my professional relationships. I now know how to "do" relationships much better - keeping enough independence so that I'm still "me", but giving more of myself, being more flexible and willing to share and compromise.
So, to single girls of all ages everywhere - here's to our independence and freedom of choice. And when we finally choose to "couple up", we can celebrate that, too, as the necessary next step in the path.
Here's the announcement of the Bastille Day gathering in NYC:
« Vive la différence »
Join us for a celebration of Bastille Day in the art gallery of the Asian Cultural Center. Ms. Cassel, President of Cross-Cultural Connection and creator of the ‘Cross-cultural link to language learning’, will demonstrate how the understanding and use of French non-verbal cues and signals allows you to establish instant rapport with French people and maximize your present command of the French language. Ms. Lisa Taylor Huff will then discuss, «Creating a 4-Star Life in Paris or Beyond.» Ms. Taylor Huff works with business owners and professionals to help them create the right first impression. Wine and hors d’œuvres will be served. RSVP [email protected] (718) 873-3881.
Thursday, July 14th, 5 to 7 pm
Asian Cultural Center
15 East 40th Street
$20