I am a woman on the verge... of dipping my toes back into the dating scene after an astonishingly prolonged absence. It feels odd even thinking about dating again, I am so out of practice at it. (In fact, I can barely remember what it feels like to want to make out passionately with someone, in that I-can't-keep-my-hands-off-you way.) I keep hearing the "duh-dump, duh-dump, duh-duh-duh-duh-duh" Jaws theme... is it safe to go back in the water now?
At the moment I have no particular man in mind, but I am realizing that if I do, as I claim, WANT to meet "someone special" that I have to make some effort... after all, since I work out of my house, it's unlikely I'm going to meet someone "at work". It's unlikely that the UPS guy will be the man of my dreams.
You may wonder... exactly how long has it been since you last went on a date, Lisa? Are you sitting down, because I'm about to be totally candid about this. I think my last date was early in 1999. (Close your mouth, it's not polite to gape.) It was a blind date. He was an OK guy, but no interest for either of us. There was no second date. Which means, if you're good at reading into things, it's been even longer since I had any good, old-fashioned (send the kids out of the room) S-E-X.
Lest you start feeling sorry for me, don't. Let me assure you that this was actually by choice (or at least by default) on my part. It's not like I planned to be sans amour for (good God, has it really been) SEVEN years, but late in 1998, although I was dating on occasion, I jumped into a new world of trying to make it as a self-employed business owner and it has definitely consumed the majority of my time and energy since then. Frankly, I simply didn't feel like putting myself "out there". I just felt like I had better things to do. At least initially.
It's just too easy, isn't it, to get lazy where romance is concerned - and this applies whether you are single and half-heartedly looking, or whether you are in a relationship. Too many other things are pulling at you, and you also start realizing that you really do enjoy time alone with yourself. It takes real work to find, create, and maintain romance and chemistry between two people... and sometimes it's easier to just stay in the comfort zone.
Not that there haven't been at least a few attempts on my part. Off and on during the past seven years, I have experimented with on-line dating - I met several very nice men that way in the past and my last long-term relationship was even someone I met online. For someone like me, without a lot of the daily in-person social interactions that come with working in a more public arena, on-line dating is a great way to meet someone new. But these past brief tries with on-line dating haven't resulted in anything interesting enough for me to want to put on a dress and go OUT... I take full responsibility for this, as clearly I wasn't really ready.
Recently, however, I'm realizing I really do want to be in a "couple" again, so I'm back out there trying Match.com and eHarmony.com and am willing to stick with it for a while to see what happens. I may or may not meet anyone through these avenues, but if nothing else it's my way of signaling my readiness for romance to the Universe.
The past seven years haven't been completely wasted, relationship wise. I HAVE had the chance to get significantly more clear on who I am, what kind of life I want to be living, and the kind of people I want in my life - and that includes a romantic partner. And I think this will be a big advantage the next time I decide to move from "just dating" to "relationship". I think we can all agree that it's a very attractive quality -- someone really, truly knowing what they want out of life, because it saves a lot of heartache later on.
For instance, outside of the normal "basic requirements" of "sane, 30-55, non-smoker, good hygiene habits, puts the toilet seat down most of the time, straight, no drugs, light drinker, no criminal record, no cross-dressers, no woman-abusers, is kind to animals, children and will be nice to my family and friends", I know that I get along best with creative and professional types. I know I need someone reasonably extroverted who can hold up his end of a good conversation, because I get frustrated with men who are too shy or too quiet to talk. 
I know that I will have more in common with someone who has more liberal beliefs and is more spiritual than religious. I know that since I am planning to live overseas and travel extensively, a man without children to raise would have the most flexibility and interest in extended travel and living abroad. In the past, I have had an unfortanate habit of often attracting "unavailable" men (legally or emotionally) so my intention now is to connect with men who have no such baggage - I want a man who will, in the words of a recent bestseller, be "just THAT into me" that there wil be no games-playing, and no perpetual wondering "what's he thinking? Can he commit?" because he'll let me know EXACTLY how lucky he knows he is to be with me.
I've also changed my position on marriage and children - significantly. I now know I do not want to have children, although for a large part of my life I once thought I would; and I am no longer attached to the idea of HAVING to be married. Marriage may be in my future, if I meet someone and we both want that; but I no longer see it as necessary for commitment. Not only is it primarily a legal transaction that governments use to determine things like who is entitled to share health benefits while they're alive and who gets what when one partner dies, but judging by our American 67% (and climbing) divorce rate, marriage as a social or even religious "commitment" has failed miserably.
The bottom line is, you cannot legislate love, fidelity, and commitment. Two people are either willing to do what it takes to create and CHOOSE a life together, and then choose it over and over again every single day of their lives -- or they aren't. Realizing that has been very freeing for me - it means I don't feel pressure to be with some guy, ANY guy, simply because "the clock is ticking".
So, as I embark on The Dating Game once again, my intentions are clear: to create a new place in my life for love, companionship, and the successful co-mingling of two individual lives, in a space that for a long time has been only about ME. I'm simply ready to let someone else in.
Let the game begin!
