If you managed to catch even a few minutes of the news in the U.S. in the past week, you've heard of the "Runaway Bride" - the 32-year-old woman from Georgia who, after terrorizing her fiancé, family, friends and community for nearly a week, turned up in Albuquerque (give me 2 points for spelling this correctly on the first try!) with one whopper of a story.
I DO understand that planning a wedding, ANY wedding, comes with enormous pressures. And in her case, planning a wedding on such a massive scale (600 guests?) is especially unnecessary wasteful challenging. And if she had doubts in her mind about the whole thing, then of course she has the right to step back and catch her breath. As I heard Oprah say recently, "Doubt means DON'T." It's not that unusual for someone to have second thoughts and decide to back out or postpone things at the last minute, and I would never think unkindly of someone for doing so -- because at least in doing that, the person is being HONEST that they are simply NOT ready, for whatever reason.
In the case of this particular runaway bride, I think something very different is going on. Clearly, this is a woman in need of some serious therapy and counseling - and I certainly do hope she gets the help she needs. But all I have heard for the past 4 days is two very polarized points of view: talk about how this is "just a case of cold feet" and pre-wedding jitters and how she deserves compassion and understanding; and how she should be prosecuted for the public fraud she created and the cost of the police resources. While I agree that there is some logic to both these perspectives, I think there is something else going on here that everyone else is missing.
We've all heard of pathological liars, right? Scott Peterson comes to mind in recent memory for the cold and calculating murder of his wife and child - and his many lies and refusal to take responsibility for his actions. We'll probably never know why Peterson lied the way he did, because he won't admit that he did it. Recently though, Oprah had some interesting programs (original program as well as a follow-up) with women who are compulsive liars and who were willing to talk about it. What struck me, and frankly shocked me, was the great extent to which these women would go to lie about their lives to others.
One woman named Lisa was the big shocker. She lied about virtually everything in her life, big and small. She lied about what she fed her kids for dinner because she thought it would sound better if she said she cooked some elaborate meal than if she only ordered take-out. She faked a suicide attempt and scared her best friend half to death, just to get the attention. And the worst lies involved her children - lying about them being sick when they were healthy, and even subjecting her baby to a spinal tap at the hospital, and telling people her other child had leukemia, when she didn't. ALL of these lies were created so that Lisa could get the attention she craved. She was out of control, and her two best friends would no longer even speak to her.
On the outside, Lisa looks like a normal person. She was probably living an outwardly "normal" life. She is attractive, had 2 beautiful kids and a husband who seems to love her (even though he has been aware of her lies for years and has done nothing). But for whatever reason, this woman thinks the only way she can get attention is to make up stories, because she feels the truth isn't "good enough" or she wasn't "special enough". The thing that finally tripped her up was when she opened a credit card in her mother-in-law's name; she was found out and her mother-in-law pressed charges. Lisa is now doing jail time for this last big lie.
It is clear that Lisa, and others like her, clearly are people with a very deep hole in their souls, and need some intensive therapy if they are ever going to be able to feel good enough about themselves to stop having to lie to try and fill that inner void. And when I heard about the Runaway Bride down in Georgia, my first thought was NOT "Oh, that poor scared little bride." It was: She is just like that compulsive liar on Oprah. There is something in this woman that makes her do unbelievable things to get attention. The attention of being the bride in a wedding with 600 guests, 14 pairs of bridesmaids and ushers, and 8 bridal showers wasn't ENOUGH? She had to plan, a week in advance, to run away without a trace or a word to anyone? Have everyone looking for her and worried sick about her? Then when she ran out of money she concocted an elaborate story about having been abducted?
Because this was NOT a simple case of cold feet. It was not about her needing space. This was a calculated thing on this woman's part, and I believe it was all about her getting even more attention. She's 32, old enough to know how to just tell somebody she needed space if she needed it. I have a hard time believing there was "no one she could talk to" as I have repeatedly heard one CNN psychologist saying -- even if everyone around her was pressuring her to get married, it's still her responsibility to speak up for herself, even if that's not easy.
In the usual case of the scared bride (remember Julia Roberts in the movie?), they run, but it's not a secret plot. When it is truly about the bride not being ready, for whatever reason, other people KNOW she's ducked out. She doesn't go to such lengths to create such intense drama - she just runs. I don't believe that this so-called Runaway Bride of this past week was running out of fear about marriage - I think her fears are that no one loves her "enough" and she has to go to great lengths to have other people "prove" that to her. I don't think she's a criminal and I don't think jail time would help her. She does need a lot of counseling, and if her fiancé is going to stand by her while she gets help, then fine (a decision he may come to regret later, but that's his choice). But I don't feel sympathy for this girl (I do, however, feel for the fiancé and the family). I think she created this situation and now she will have to face the consequences of her actions. I hope she can take this as a wake-up call and make some changes in her life.
It's not easy to tell the truth sometimes - even to ourselves. The human brain is talented at helping us see things the way we WANT to see them, not the way they actually ARE. But each of us has a choice about how we want to live our lives and who we want to "BE". If we have to lie about ourselves in order to get others to notice us or to love us, then it's a very small world we are creating for ourselves, and one where we are living in fear of being "found out". I'd rather live my life as truthfully as I can, even if I don't always like the truth. I'd rather have relationships where I can be honest with others, even if they can't always agree with me or support me, or even if they get mad at me and leave. I'd rather be a person who is secure enough in myself to not feel I need to lie to get attention.
As for the recent situation? I can't wait until the media can find a new topic to fixate on. Let's not "reward" this attention seeker with even more media attention. It's exactly what she wants.
