Today I caught this post from Seth Godin's blog, concerning eBay's recent decision to (a) redesign their logo for eBay Stores, (b) why they bothered to do it at all, and (c) why they clearly felt the need to over-explain the decision. Seth hit it on the head: eBay was clearly afraid of a backlash for this decision... but from who? Do they want to try and please everyone? The fear was evident in the excessive lengths eBay went to, to try and justify this corporate marketing decision... but I'm wondering why they felt the need to justify it at all? These are not the actions and words of a bold company.
This got me thinking:
What is it with our sometimes compulsive need to over-explain ourselves? Why do we, whether as public companies or individuals in our own private lives, feel we must justify every single thing we do? Are we THAT insecure with ourselves? Are we THAT afraid of even the tiniest bit of criticism? What kind of impact is that fear having on our lives, our careers, our businesses?
I realize there will always be appropriate times when we DO need to care, to some extent, what others think. In business, it's important to know what your customers think of you so you can give them what they want and need - that's how you stay in business and provide good customer service. And as individuals, there will always be certain people in our lives whose good opinion of us matters, and it's important to try and surround yourself with people who can support you unconditionally, because everyone needs support. It's not that it's wrong to care what someone else thinks...
But when we become overly attached to the good opinion of others, to the point where we allow it to drive our decisions out of fear of alienating ANYONE, then it becomes a self-created trap. You end up making your decisions based on what someone else thinks - rather than what YOU think is best. You lose your ability to trust your own intuition or inner voice, because you put all your trust in what someone else is telling you is "right" or "best". This is equivalent to giving up your freedom because you become impotent in terms of being able to make decisions and steering your own life's course.
Think about it. How many times in your life have you NOT been true to yourself because of what someone else said or thought, or because of your FEAR about what they might say or think? Are you doing that right now, today? Is there something you really want to do with your life, but you're putting the brakes on it because someone else won't be happy about it?
If you're doing that, then you are living someone else's life, not your own. You can't please everyone... and why would you even WANT to? Being a people-pleaser is a very insecure way to live. It keeps you from taking risks. It keeps you from expressing yourself in an authentic way. It prevents you from doing things you want to do and saying things that sometimes need to be said, because you are afraid of the back-lash and conflict. At some point, to get on with your life and to live boldly, you need to let go of the "disease to please". It's simply not healthy OR productive.
My motto: Don't complain and don't over-explain. What this means is: When there is something I feel I need to do for myself, something important that is part of my vision for what I want my life to become, then I have given up the need to over-explain or justify my choices to someone else.
First of all, when I'm "up to something", meaning I've got big plans and I'm not sure how other people will take it, I often decide to keep it to myself while I'm in the early planning stages. There was a time when I had this almost obsessive need to share all my business with anyone and everyone, and this often came back to bite me in the ass in more ways than one. Eventually I realized that my need to "tell all and too soon" was my way of seeking approval... usually from the wrong people; and I broke myself of that bad habit.
When I DO share some news or plans with someone, it's strictly on a need-to-know basis. And I try very hard not to have expectations of how I think the other person should react. If I expect instant approval from certain people in my life, but those people have had a history of reacting negatively to things I confide in them, then I'm setting myself up for a big disappointment. Managing my own expectations when I do let someone in on my plans is really important, because I cannot control how someone else will react.
When I do share a decision or some news, and the other person is not happy about it, they will often want to know my reasons. I will give them some of my reasons as succinctly as possible but without the need to over-explain myself; if they "get" it, then fine, but if they don't understand it or don't agree with it, I don't try to convince them of my "rightness" and I won't waste my energy in arguing with them. They are entitled to their own opinion and if it doesn't jive with mine, well, that's sad but that's the reality. If they persist in trying to get me to "come around" to their way of thinking, my response might end up being something like this:
I understand this may seem wrong/confusing/upsetting to you right now and that you may not agree. I am doing what I feel is best for me, I am happy about it and I hope eventually you can be happy FOR me. If you can't, that's OK, and then maybe you can just trust that I know what is best for ME.
Although I make a point of having people in my life who are generally unconditionally supportive of me, there are always going to be a few people who for whatever reason simply can not or will not support me in the way I might wish. Here's where the other part of that motto comes up: I also don't complain that other people aren't being supportive, either. I've long since learned that people are always acting out of their own needs and their own emotional "stuff", so if they are being negative about something I am doing or even about who I am being, that's really all about THEM and not about me at all. I don't take it personally. I get over my hurt feelings and go find one of those unconditionally supportive people I mentioned earlier, and tell THEM my news or my plans, and then I get on with living my life.
Try it out yourself: resist the need to over-explain or justify your actions to someone else who doesn't like what you're doing. Give up the need to make everyone else happy at the expense of making yourself happy. Ask yourself: why do I feel the need to keep talking about this and explaining myself to this person? They obviously don't see it the way I do. Do I need to be "right"? Do I need their approval? If I don't get that approval, does that really change anything? What is my intution/gut instinct/inner voice telling me is the right thing for me right now? And, if I feel this is best for me, don't I have the right to trust my own intuition first? And lastly: what is it COSTING me to continue trying to be right or trying to win the good opinion of this person/these people? Am I paying too high a price for that?
When you begin to notice just how much energy you have been wasting on trying to make other people happy... to win their good opinion... to be "right" at any cost; when you weigh out what it's costing you in terms of stress, lost energy, and lost dreams, to put other people's opinions ahead of your own; then maybe it will motivate you to begin to take some bold new steps in your life, despite what someone else may think about it.
And sometimes, when we go out and live our lives the way we want to anyway, and when doing so makes you truly happy... those naysayers may, surprisingly, come around in time and become your biggest cheerleaders -- because deep down, they DO care and they DO want you to be happy (even if they don't agree with what's making you happy). It's happened to me on more than one occasion, so it's definitely a possibility. There's no guarantee of course, but miracles DO happen! So go out and live YOUR life... no complaints, and no excuses!
