The Bold Soul

"I don't think FRANCE is a country"

I haven't really had to post anything under the "What were they THINKING?" category in a while, but this story was begging for it. You may have seen this already as I'm sure it's making the rounds on blogs and email, but I couldn't resist sharing it here.

I also love the part where she says "I thought Europe WAS a country" and had never heard of Hungary (pronounced "HONG-ry" like any good redneck), but somehow she knew TURKEY was a country. Maybe she should run for office.

The shocked amusement on those kids' faces was priceless. I hope this proves to them that looks alone obviously aren't going to get you very far in life.

P.S. Here's another version of the video with French subtitles. And another link to one of Jeff Foxworthy's "You might be a redneck if..." routines.

Tell us something we don't know

Don't you hate it when the media hypes a "top story" that is already blatantly obvious to the rest of us? Isn't that the very definition of the oxymoron, "old news"?

On CNN.com Health, here's the latest blockbuster:

Men more likely not to wash after bathroom use

I know there are men who do wash their hands, especially (I hope) if they've been, uhhh... sitting down. But let's be honest: if they can't even aim and hit the bowl with 100% accuracy, what makes us think they'll take the time to wash their hands each and every time, either?

Say it with me: "Puh-LEEZ!"

Water, water everywhere... or nowhere at all

Can someone explain to me - or to the Paterson, New Jersey police department - how thieves stole an entire swimming pool from someone's back yard... and apparently, they may have taken the 1,000 gallons of water, too? A woman awoke to find that her above-ground swimming pool had been stolen (and that was the only thing that was taken from their property), but what she and the cops can't figure out is: what did the thieves do with all the water, because there is no sign that they drained the pool anywhere in or around the yard before stealing it.

What's your best guess? A pump or a water truck would have made too much noise and someone would have noticed it. However they did it, they did it quietly. Unbelievable... just when you thought you'd heard it all.

And speaking of water, I have been hearing about the terrible flooding taking place in England right now. I checked Google Maps to get an idea of where the trouble spots are, and realized it's all happening right smack dab in the area through which I am planning a driving tour some time this year. My itinerary, starting in London, would have taken me to Oxford, then Stratford-upon-Avon, then to Bath, Salisbury, and Southampton. I think I'm glad I decided to postpone that trip until the autumn as I'm certain some of the roads would have been impassible right now.

I do hope the people who were or are in the path of the flooding will be OK. Nature is not being kind right now. I've never lived in a flood zone but in my native New Jersey, we've got several communities that are flood prone and over the years I've seen some pretty terrible stuff, so I can appreciate how terrible it is to see your home, business and belongings submerged.

In Paris, the summer is remaining comfortable and sometimes rainy but we're not getting so much rain that flooding is an issue. Walking with my date the other night, on the Paris Plage at the Pont Neuf, he pointed out the 1910 high water mark that is carved into the stone below the bridge, a reminder of the famous floods of 97 years ago.

Unwise

NOTE TO SELF: Never again use self-tanning towelettes to get that "sun-kissed" look on legs before weekend date with French guy.

Don't ask. It ain't pretty, people.

It's my party and I'll blog if I want to

The occasional derogatory comments and hate mails (fortunately, they're few and far between) I get from dissatisfied readers cause me to pose this question: Why do people bother reading blogs they so clearly hate? Or if "hate" is too strong a word (and I'm not sure that it is), then substitute "dislike" or "violently disagree with".

I'm serious about this question. Why would someone visit a blog regularly, then take the time to write to the author about how they hate the blog, and THEN go back for more? They continue reading the blog and continue bashing the blogger about what a waste of time they think the blog is. Call me crazy, but I know when I read a blog and don't like the content or the writing, I just leave and go do something else. I've got better things to do than to try and police the blogosphere. Do people really have that much spare time in their lives? Is it a form of masochism, reading something you dislike, or that bores you, or that upsets you, and constantly doing it over and over again? Why are they not out there doing something more constructive and meaningful with their lives, like say, telling small children there IS no Santa Claus (kids, I promise, that's just a nasty rumor, and Santa's fine and spending his summer hangin' with the reindeer, resting up for next Christmas).

I can understand if you're reading a blog, and then maybe one day the blogger writes something you just don't agree with; then fine, by all means feel free to express your opinion. But there's another variety of blog-critic out there, and THEY seem to think it's their job in life to rid the internet of whatever reading material THEY think is unworthy. They try to do this by telling the blogger to please stop blogging. (Attempted censorship?) Yeah, like THAT'S gonna work.

Ben Franklin said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results. So if you're reading a blog you hate and wish would disappear forever, and you KEEP on reading it expecting it to go away, then who's the insane one? Is it the blogger who keeps writing whatever he or she feels like writing, or is it you, the reader, who continues to read what you claim you do not want to read? Do you realize every time you go back and read that person's blog you supposedly hate, you're adding a "visit" and increasing the statistical popularity of that blog?

Here is a prime example of one of these rebel blog-critics without a real cause. "Verite" (a real misnomer, if you ask me) has been a commentor in the past few months who never has anything positive to say about what he/she reads here. Past comments have included remarks like "I read your blog out of a perverse fascination as to whether what you say can get anymore banal (you can put that among the quotes in the left hand corner of your page if you like)."

Today, Verite -- apparently unable to control him/herself another moment -- really came out swinging, in the following comment to this post about the recent Paris Bloggers' Picnic:

This is hilarious:

"60 or 70 of the most creative people living in Paris today"

- is it a joke?

You think blogging about dating and the funny stuff you ate and drank and did a wee wee in while in Paris is creative. Oh babes, you really don't know anyone in Paris do you?

You all copy each other and say the same old stuff that has been said by everyone else. And you think it is creative!! I think real french artists and actors and writers would find this hilarious - that you think because you set up a web page where you say what time it is in what country and the weather and how many hits you've had and use the word "fisting" to try and get more hits that you are a "writer". Oh bold soul you are such a bore and every time I read your blog i get more depressed about the state of the world and i come back thinking - is there a way to stop all these unimaginative and unoriginal people who would never even be known if it wasnt for the internet. Stop blogging. I come back with that one goal. Hoping your blog won't pollute the internet anymore. And i'm torn between feeling sorry for you because you don't understand anything and feeling bitter about the state of society.

Ummm... so if I really don't know anyone in Paris, who were those 60-70+ people at the Buttes Chaumont on Saturday, the ones with whom I was laughing and eating and drinking and talking about dating? OH, I get it: you mean I don't know anyone who matters. Like you, apparently. Yes, I'm really broken up about that. I need more closed-minded control freaks in my life. But thanks for mentioning "fisting" again in your comment because you just raised my blog stats another 2 percentage points.

So, Verite thinks we Paris bloggers ('cuz it's not just ME s/he's bashing this time, it's me and my peeps) are responsible for the state of the world. And s/he is under the misguided impression that his/her opinion represents the masses. I didn't realize Verite was the appointed guardian of creativity, originality, imagination and what's entertaining or worthy -- did you? Clearly, I must have missed that memo. Granted, the blogging we do may not be as impressive a contribution to mankind as being "bitter about the state of the world" and doing nothing of value with your bitter time and bitter attitude but bitterly haranguing ex-pat bloggers with your bitterness, but we can't all be Mother Theresa, now can we?

I do think Verite, who is obviously French, has a real issue with the non-French bloggers ("I think real french artists and actors and writers would find this hilarious") cluttering up the internet with our tripe. But Verite, did you know there were a good number of French bloggers also in attendance at that picnic? THEY don't seem to have a problem associating with the rest of us. They even shared their Pimm's with us without once wrinkling their noses in distaste. And they put up with our bad French with very good humor.

How are YOU contributing, Verite? Do YOU have a blog where you are making the internet and the world a better place in a way that we, who blog about plumbing and food and picnics and where our next shag is coming from, don't? Are you a "real" French artist or actor or writer, and if so, where are YOUR credentials -- show us your stuff! Or are you merely one of those sad people who gets off on bitching and moaning, but who doesn't have the guts to get out in the world and do something? All I see is someone who likes to complain about the world and the other people in it. That doesn't make you better than the rest of us; it makes you pathetic. And more than a little bit tiresome.

I find that people like Verite -- those who seem to live to tell OTHERS how to live, because they think they've got the copyright on that -- are typically guilty themselves of the very things for which they criticize others. I find people like THIS to be "banal" and "a bore", and they clearly have a superiority complex (there's a pill for that, you know) because they feel it's their job in life to police the internet and make it safe for close-minded stick-up-their-asses people like themselves.

And the people who write in to tell us they hate our blogs and to stop blogging? They miss the point completely - no one is FORCING them to read our blogs. The internet is a passive activity, you have to make the effort to turn on your computer, open your browser, and CLICK something. It's also a medium where anyone can write anything they want, and no one has to like it. So Verite "babes", if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Change the channel. "If you want it to stop hurting, stop touching it!" Find another hobby. Go click yourself.

We banal and boring bloggers? We're sticking around. Deal with it. And you're boring my other readers with your banalité.

... and a Spammer gets Canned

And there's more good news afoot in the world today.

One of the world's most prolific and annoying spammers has been arrested and charged with 35 counts of mail fraud, wire fraud, e-mail fraud, aggravated identity theft and money laundering. He is 27-year-old Robert Alan Soloway (say it with me now: boooo.... hissss.....), and his is the first case in the U.S. where authorities have used identify theft statutes to nail a spammer for taking over someone else's domain name.

This creep is responsible for so much spam that it's believed the rest of us might even notice a drop in our daily junk e-mail as a result of his arrest. Wouldn't THAT be a nice thing?

Sometimes, there is justice, even in the elusive underworld of the Internet. I wonder if he's the guy who's been sending me all these fake eBay emails that try to get my credit card information? (Ha! I'm too smart for that old trick!) If he is, I'd like just 5 minutes alone with him.

Just me, him, and that nice cattle prod I bought on eBay last week.

Children live what they're taught

It only took 43 years for a town in Georgia to remember that segregation has no place in America.

Students at a high school in Ashburn, GA voted this year to have an integrated prom. For the first time ever. IN THE YEAR TWO THOUSAND AND SEVEN.

I had to read it twice to make sure I was getting this right. It's 2007 in America and there are still towns in the south that are still having segregated social events? I must be some kinda naive Yankee white girl because this really surprised me.

I'm glad that the students at this school voted for this and the school supported it. It's not clear from the article why the earlier tradition (of parents arranging for two segregated events) was allowed to continue for such a long time except that if the events were privately held and not sponsored by the school then there's not much anyone could do about it. But I think it's obvious that children live what they're taught, and apparently even in the 21st century, racial biases continue to be handed down from generation to generation in this town, like grandpa's old pocket watch. I can only assume this didn't happen sooner because some of the less evolved adults in the town were against it (and sure it sounds as if some still are: 'My mommy and daddy -- they don't agree with being with the colored people.').

This year the school also did away with having two separate homecoming queens, too. But isn't it sad that it took so long, and that even the kids don't necessarily see the old segregated proms as a racial issue: "The white people have theirs, and the black people have theirs. It's nothing racial at all."

Shame on those who continue to propogate biases; I realize it's not easy to change these things but by this time we damn well ought to be trying harder. That said, it sure was nice to read that those kids that did attend had a great time at their first official SCHOOL prom. Because that's the way high school SHOULD be... just kids together -- ALL the kids -- having the time of their lives.

Googlery will get you... well, here

I haven't posted in a while about some of the truly bizarre ways people are finding my blog through Google or other search engines. So, since it's a subject that's long overdue, here are some insights into some of your fellow readers:

I continue to be disturbed by people who are looking for information on "breast guillotine" and who find my site listed about TENTH, apparently because of a post I once wrote on the actual guillotine invented and used in France as the death penalty tool of choice. But I wrote my post in the context of the annual April 15th tax filing deadline in America!

Why would someone want to look for images of "dipping shoes"? What do they want them dipped in -- chocolate?

The largest number of searchers seem to be "over 40 and single", and typing in some combination of keywords to that effect. Nice to know there are more of us out there and apparently we're finding comfort and safety in numbers.

Of course when people are searching for information on Paris, they're likely to get my blog posts in their results for "macarons", "batignolles", "inner french girl", "parisian arcades" and "make your dream of living in paris a reality" (you GO girl!)

I think the person who was looking for "images of thunder rumbling" was probably disappointed in his search. Because last I checked, still photos couldn't capture SOUND and you can't SEE thunder.

At first, I was heartened by "dating: what to make a woman on a third date", thinking to myself "how nice, he wants to cook for her". Then I thought maybe he wasn't being so chivalrous after all because the third date is the de facto minimum waiting time for sex and if you already have the woman in your apartment after having cooked her a meal... then I thought, maybe he's not talking about making FOOD at all... yeah, buddy, we get the idea.

Other curiosities:

• ready made sculpture shovel (is there a market for ready made scupltures of a shovel?)
• famous people in Montana (I don't even know anyone in Montana, famous or otherwise)
• if I could change my past (here's a hint, dear: you CAN)
• naked mature wives (ew)
• 1001 ways to fall pregnant (first of all, I didn't know you could "fall" pregnant and second of all, I thought there was pretty much just the ONE way to do it)
• iyanla vanzant kraft macaroni and cheese (I'm a big fan of both but don't recall blogging about both of them together!)

In particular, this one touched me: "I'm getting bold at 17 what can I do to stop it?" Oh, the angst of being a teenager. I figured this one had to be a girl, and that by "getting bold" she probably meant she is worried about her body's natural changes and reactions to certain, um, stimulus. I'm guessing her daddy's a strict fundamentalist minister or something and she's been taught that sex is evil and wrong. I wish I could hug her and tell her not to worry about it, that she's normal and not a freak, and that she just needs to relax and not judge herself, but that she can still choose how and when and with whom when she's emotionally ready for such things. And furthermore she won't burn in hell for having those feelings, or even for ACTING on them.

Because if that were the case there'd be no one left in heaven.

Sure, she did

Forgive my skepticism when reading that Paris Hilton was arrested on a DUI last night where she claimed to have had only "one drink" at some charity event earlier in the evening. According to her spokesman, the DUI "symptoms" were "probably the result of an empty stomach and working all day and being fatigued".

If anyone else believes this story, please raise your hands because I think the Brooklyn Bridge is still up for grabs and I can get you a sweet deal.

[pausing for hand raises] Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Yeah, that's about what I thought.

Isn't it rather pathetic that someone can have had all the material advantages in life, not to mention being beautiful and the paparazzi's dream-come-true, and risk pissing it all away with an extreme lack of good judgment. Apparently money CAN'T buy everything... like common sense and the ability to care that you might hurt or kill someone through your selfish, reckless behavior.

Hang your head, Paris.

I didn't even know it was missing

Why do art thieves believe they can get rich by stealing famous works of art? I mean, I imagine that some of them probably do, if they find private buyers who will hang the stolen merchandise in a place where no one else will ever see it... like the bathroom wall. What's the point of having a beautiful, priceless piece of art if you can't even show it off to its best advantage and brag about it to everyone you know? What good is "owning" a painting if you have to hide it in a trunk or behind a fake wall in the back of your closet? And it seems to me that sooner or later, someone's going to find you out, lock you up for a very long time, and recover the artwork anyway. The Louvre got the Mona Lisa back, didn't they?

Like today, with Edvard Munch's angst-filled work, "The Scream" (one of my personal favorites). Although I wasn't aware it had been stolen two years ago in broad daylight by armed gunmen in a museum, apparently authorities in Norway have recovered it, along with a second Munch piece, "Madonna". (Are art lovers everywhere screaming in delight?) Great detective work, fellas!

But seriously, why would you steal something so well known? The odds of success have to be minimal. Yeah, yeah, I've seen Ocean's Eleven and Twelve and I'm sure there are characters out there who just love the challenge of the perfect heist. Still, it seems like you'd have to be either stupid or crazy to try it, because sooner or later, someone's gonna talk.

And fortunately this time, someone did. Welcome back, "Scream". (Is anyone else reminded of that kid in "Home Alone"?)

I can't believe I'm agreeing with a Kennedy

Once again, our Republican-controlled congress has stuck it to the American people, and right up the ol' wazzoo, too. They are trying to tie a long-overdue increase in the national minimum wage -- the first increase in a decade -- with a decrease in inheritance taxes on multi-million dollar estates. Yeah, like millionaires are suffering soooo much when they have to pay inheritance taxes.

In other words, it was a bill that would take one baby step for America's impoverished majority, one giant step in making America's richest even richer.

I wish someone could explain to me why these two issues had to be packaged together, since one has nothing whatsoever to do with the other. Could it be that (GASP!) Republicans do not really want to increase the minimum wage? We know damn well the minimum-wage-paying employers don't want the minimum to go any higher, because it eats into their profit margins. And if Congress wanted to decrease inheritance taxes, why not figure out a way to do it for ALL citizens? So does this mean the Republicans are once again putting the welfare of the rich and corporate America ahead of the welfare of the American working class?

You bet your outraged ass it does. The GOP appears to have no intention of allowing these things to be voted on separately any time soon. Good old Bill Frist was quoted as saying, "These issues must be addressed as a package, all or nothing".

Frankly, even the proposed minimum wage increase is completely pathetic. A $2.10 increase spread out over THREE YEARS? That's NOTHING. I have a part-time job in a pharmacy making $11 an hour and even if I worked a full 40-hour week, I couldn't make it on that without having to get a second job (probably one at or close to minimum wage). And I haven't had a raise in pay from my employer in two years. I started at $10 over 3 years ago as a cashier in the pharmacy in a VERY wealthy community. Within 6 months they decided to train me as a pharmacy technician - a lot more work and more responsibility, but no more money. I had to ASK for a raise at the 1-year mark, and got 50 cents an hour. A full year later, I got another 50 cents, unasked-for. That was it. Now I only work a few hours a week for a little extra cash so I'm in no where near as bad a situation as most people working at low-income jobs. I'm just saying that even in my situation, my employer who is otherwise a decent person (he does start the high-school kids off at around $7/hr), is completely clueless about voluntarily paying his people what they're really worth.

Meanwhile the cost of living goes up every year, gas prices are through the roof, and all of that would eat up what little gains this proposed 3-yr. increase might bring to those currently trying to survive on the $5.15 minimum.

The icing on the cow pie of this story, for me at least, is that for the first time in my life, I'm forced to agree with none other than Ted Kennedy--whom I usually just consider a big blow-hard--when he said, "The Republican plan was cynical, it was contemptible, and it was cowardly". What else can you call a plan that would force Democrats to vote to pad the pockets of the wealthy minority just to finally get Republicans to agree to a tiny pay increase for our poorest citizens? I am so sick and tired of the bi-partisan bullshit in this country, and of these Senators and Congressmen boosting their egos and having their little turf wars (and, I might add, voting in HUGE pay raises for themselves every single year) while America's middle and working classes are going right down the toilet.

I'd like to see each of these bone-headed lawmakers live for 30 days working at $5.15 an hour. I predict they would last exactly a week.

Hang your heads in shame, you worthless Republicans who created this plan. I used to vote Republican years ago but can no longer back you people in good conscience any more because your sense of values is completely warped. I hope you know that this is very bad Karma, and I can't wait until it comes back to bite you all right in your fat, rich Congressional derrières.

A nickel for your thoughts... ?

As if there aren't far more pressing and important matters for our government to worry about -- what with Bush using the "S" word at the G8 summit and all -- now there's a congressman who has made it his life's work to eliminate.... the penny.

Does the penny matter? Or is it just a nuisance, as he seems to think it is? Granted, with inflation being what it is, you can't buy penny candy at the store anymore, and no one wants to hear your 2 cents' worth about anything these days. A penny won't even buy your thoughts nowadays.

But again, I think the point is that we are paying this congressman WAY more than a damned penny in salary and this is how he's spending his days? Dreaming up legislation to eliminate an annoying but harmless piece of metal from our monetary system after over 200 years?

I think Congressman Kolbe's constituents in Arizona ought to demand his resignation, because they clearly got ripped off when they elected him. And they can pay him a penny as part of his severance package.

There ARE no good men where SHE'S going

This story demonstrates just how desperate some 40-something women can get in their search for a "good man".

A woman in Oregon was arrested after calling the 911 system to locate the "cute cop" who had been at her house earlier that day after a neighbor called in a noise complaint. When she phoned the 911 system, she admitted there WAS no emergency but wanted the 911 dispatcher to pass along her phone number to the officer. "Heck, it doesn't come very often a good man comes to your doorstep" was her rationale. Of course, calling 911 for a non-emergency is against the law... so the only thing she got from that officer was a set of handcuffs (and not in a GOOD way) and a ride to jail.

Ladies, don't try this at home. Lack of a man in your life does NOT constitute an "emergency", no matter how long it's been since you last had a date.

Because if it was, I'd already be at the top of that list.

Disa-POIN-ted!

Italy wins the World Cup (there is much rejoicing among Italian-Americans tonight). So what was up with that head-butting by Zidane? Zut alors!

In which men as a gender run -- and then sink to a new level of stupidity

Just when you think men can't get possibly any dumber about their ideas of what constitutes manly behavior, we have... the running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain.

In which people -- almost all men, as far as I've ever heard -- stand in front of six 1,500 pound angry bulls on purpose, wearing red scarves (which everyone knows is the color that will anger a bull) and then run from them.

In which every year, people are hurt, some of them very seriously. This year it was a 31-year-old bond trader from New York who ended up paralyzed. A couple of years ago, one guy was gored in the groin. Gee, and you guys thought it was bad to be kicked there.

In which people claim the danger is the "attraction". Frankly I don't think it's all that cool to be gored by a bull. It may have gotten laughs on "Everybody Loves Raymond" and "City Slickers" but imagine having bull snot all over you while you run for your life. How is that fun?

In which 13 people have been killed since 1924. You might say that given the number of people who run in this thing every year, that's a small percentage. But is this any way to die? What would you put on your tombstone: "Here lies Joe, a man who died in the stupidest way imaginable -- trampled by a pissed off Spanish bull."

C'mon, guys, wake up and smell the bullshit! This kind of thing is not an "adventure". It does not make you more of a man. It does not make you sexier. It does not make us want to know you better in the biblical sense. We will never brag to our girlfriends about how we think it's neat that you're going to run with the bulls. And it's cruel to the animals -- they're not having any fun and they often fall and get hurt, too.

There is simply no way you can rationalize this as being a worthwhile life goal. It's just plain macho crap. Get a clue already.

Things you NEVER want to see in your mailbox

Under the heading "Things we NEVER want to get in the mail", we've got:

• bills;
• chain letters;
• the mailbox filled entirely with shaving cream;
• a mail bomb (fortunately the Uni-bomber is finally behind bars); or
• a live tarantula sent from a disgruntled coworker.

That is one sick bastard.

Man's best friend?

In Utah, a police suspect, wanted for questioning about some stolen property, decided to make a run for it in his car, and a chase ensued. The man's dog went along for the ride, too.

That is, until the suspect's own dog got tired of being bounced around in the car, which was being driven at warp speeds over dirt roads, decided to end the chase -- by biting his owner in the FACE, taking off part of his nose.

Sometimes dogs really ARE smarter than their owners.

Feeling good at someone else's expense

Today, there's not much to report of interest in my own life, not even anything really stupid. But there sure seems to be a lot of stupidity going on in the rest of the world. So here are a few random observations on some of today's weirder world news. If nothing else, while I'm scratching my head in disbelief at some of these stories, knowing there are people out there who are THIS stupid really makes me feel a whole lot smarter.

On the stupidity of teenage girls
A 16-year old Michigan girl lied to her mother so she could get a passport, then left home without permission and somehow got on a flight out of New York to Amman, Jordan -- to meet an alleged 25-year old man from Jericho, whom she "met" on MySpace.com. Fortunately the FBI and the authorities in Jordan intercepted the girl when her plane landed and they're sending her straight back home again -- while they investigate who this person really was that she was meeting, and was there anything illegal about their internet communications.

This is a testament to the utter stupidity of teenage girls (Pink's got it right with her new video, "Stupid Girls"), who think they know every damn thing but have no life experience and no common sense and who are putting too much value on the superficial stuff. I know. I was 16 once, and all I cared about was hanging out with my friends, having fun, and getting a boyfriend. Fortunately in those days we had no internet to get us into even more trouble... we had to rely on our own ingenuity, and that was bad enough. And I survived my stupid years long enough to grow up and get a clue about life, to learn that other people can't always be trusted, and that having a boyfriend may be important but not as important as your well-being and safety.

***Update 6/14/06: Just when you thought this story couldn't get any worse, apparently this girl was planning to MARRY this guy she was flying to see in Israel. Turns out the MySpace.com "boyfriend" is 20, not 25, and according to this article his family actually supports this marriage. The family lives on the West Bank and claims the girl wanted to convert to Islam. The young man works as a delivery boy in his father's business but he had told the girl he was a "wealthy businessman". Sounds to me like this girl's parents have a lot of work to do in communicating with their daughter, whom they claimed "never gave them a bit of trouble". Well, she's sure making up for lost time now.

On the stupidity of a certain male judge
A judge in a case charging rapper R. Kelly with numerous counts of child pornography has decided to ALLOW the public and the media to view one of the rapper's sex tapes, in which he had sex with a girl who might have been 13 when the tape was made, instead of limiting the viewing only to the jurors, judge and attorneys. Both the prosecuting and defense attorneys requested that the tape viewing be limited so as not to embarrass the girl, who is now 21 and who is NOT being called as a witness in the case. But the judge says he sees no reason to ban the tape from the public. WHAT? If child pornography is illegal then how can a judge allow a tape like that to be made publicly available -- it is totally unncessary to show it to anyone other than the major players in the court case. I don't know what the hell is wrong with these judges... first that idiot in Nebraska who let a convicted child predator off with probation because he was "too short" for prison, and now this.

Just how desperate ARE we for entertainment?
Cat reality shows? OK, so it's on Animal Planet and we all get a kick out of the Funniest Animal Video clips they show. But what could cat reality TV show us? Cats sleeping. Cats purring. Cats clawing up the furniture or "cat-fighting" with each other. Cats crapping in a litter box. Fascinating! Yeah, THAT'S gonna sweep the Neilson's for sure.

Unrepentant politicians
Tom Delay exits public office, as cocky as ever. How do these guys have the balls to act all righteous and proud of themselves when they're accused of ETHICS violations? Please, spare us. At least have the decency to hang your head in shame.

Beside myself with anger

This is so unbelievably offensive I can't even grasp it. In Nebraska, a judge, a FEMALE judge, has let a pedophile off with 10 years of probation in lieu of any prison time... because she thought he was "too short" for prison.

Since when does a criminal's physical height disqualify him from paying for his crimes? That is the most absurd thing I've ever heard about the criminal justice system.

This judge, District Judge Kristine Cecava in Sidney, Nebraska, who absolutely should be run out of town on a rail for her inconceivable short-sightedness and utter stupidity, seems to think that the 5'1" stature of this filthy, disgusting, convicted child molester will make him easy prey for some of the more violent elements in the prison system. It's "not safe" for him to be in prison and subjected to those elements, in her eyes. She said he was a "sex offender, and you did it to a child" but "that doesn't make you a hunter. You don't fit into that category."

IS SHE KIDDING? ALL pedophiles are "hunters". They are manipulators who prey on their tiny, innocent victims. Of COURSE this pig from hell is a "hunter"... why doesn't this judge GET that? What happened to "lock 'em up and throw away the key"?

Isn't it her JOB to protect the public from men like this? He wasn't too short to commit the crimes, so he's not too short to do the time! So what if he's going to be an easy target for the other prisoners -- pedophiles are the lowest of the low on the prison ladder anyway, and deservedly so. If you ask me, he needs a does of what it feels like to be the smallest, the hunted, the prey. Ten years in prison wouldn't be enough for him (I'm a strong advocate of life sentences with no parole for all convicted sex offenders). But to let him off with probation is the most insulting thing I can think of. I can't even imagine how his victim's family must feel about this.

Does this judge give a rat's ass for the child or children he has already abused? Will they feel safe at night knowing this slime is walking around free as a bird? What about the children out there who are now at risk because he didn't just get a short prison term, like so many pedophiles, he got NO prison? The overwhelming majority of child molesters and child rapists are repeat offenders - we KNOW this, and yet these freaking judges persist in advocating for the perpetrators instead of the victims.

If you are as outraged by this completely useless excuse for a judge as I am, you might want to join me in writing or phoning to express your feelings. It won't change the situation, but perhaps will make Judge Cecava think twice next time before putting a pedophile's welfare ahead of that of his current and potential future victims. I obtained this contact information from Court Clerk's office and this website in Cheyenne County, Nebraska. (The internet is a fine thing.)

Judge Kristine Cecava
c/o Cheyenne County Court House
Sidney, NE 69162
Phone: (308) 254-2814

 Or perhaps better yet... let's all write to Oprah and let HER in on this, because she's been doing such a great job in fighting for harsher sentencing and punishment for pedophiles -- I think she'll want to know about THIS situation for sure.

Judge Cecava should be booted off the bench. Or maybe SHE needs to spend some time behind bars, because her ruling in this case was absolutely CRIMINAL. It's bad enough when I hear of cases of male judges letting child molestors off with a slap on the wrist but for a WOMAN to do the same... to call this a "miscarriage of justice" doesn't go far enough.

I am sick to my stomach.

*** UPDATE: I just wrote my own letter to this incompetent judge (and MAN it felt GREAT!) and created a sample letter you can download and modify to suit your own preferences. This sample is, believe it or not, a milder version of what I actually sent to the judge, so feel free to beef it up any way you like. It doesn't matter that you don't live in Nebraska -- let her know she made a huge mistake. Click here to download and save the file to your computer... it's an MS Word document you can open and edit as you see fit, and don't forget to include your own name and address and update the current date before mailing it.

Good to see this is getting national coverage and the attention it deserves:

• Prosecutor vows to appeal probation sentence (CNN) -- at least it sounds like other people are as baffled by this ruling as I am. The ACLU says no one has ever come to them to complain of "height" discrimination and that neither state nor the U.S. Constitutions provide any special protections based on physical stature ; a prison spokesman says Thompson would NOT be at risk and that he wouldn't even be the shortest guy they've got in prison now. By the way, the victim in this case was only 12 years old.
• Sentence for short sex offender draws fire (ABC News)
• Petition seeks judge's resignation (ABC News)
• Angela Shelton's Blog has more addresses you can write to in protest - have your say!

I'll Hoffa and I'll puffa and I'll blow your barn down...

As a kid, I used to get some flack from other children about my last name: Huff. What's the obvious joke? The wolf's line from the Three Little Pigs:  "I'll HUFF and I'll PUFF and I'll bloooowwwww your house down!" It used to piss me off something terrible.

Then in sixth grade, Jeff Ferree (yes, that was his actual name -- talk about someone asking to get teased about his name!) came up with a NEW way to torture me, by singing the theme song from the corny kid's TV show H.R. Pufnstuf, only changing it to HUFF-n-stuff. I wanted to smack that smirk off Jeff-ferree's face every time he said it.

Ironically, a few years later when we were 16, Jeff and I had become friends and then we even "went out" for a little while. In fact, he was my first date and we went to see the original "Star Wars". We laughed about how he had teased me so mercilessly in elementary school, and before I knew it, I had a new "cool" nickname with my group of friends:  "H.R.", short for "H.R. HUFF-n-stuff". And I loved it! Funny how that "huff and puff" thing turned from a negative into a positive.

The reason I'm taking this slightly bizarre stroll down memory lane is two-fold.

1. I just came back from attending my niece's school chorus concert, in my old high school, in the school gym that is just as creepy now as it was in the mid-to-late 1970's; being in that building again dredged up all kinds of old memories; and
2. I just read that the FBI is demolishing an entire barn in Michigan because they believe, based on "a fairly credible lead" that Jimmy Hoffa is buried underneath it. "FAIRLY credible" is now incentive enough for the government to take over someone's private property and level it to the ground? What's up with that?

Hence the title of tonight's blog post.

Oh, the way my mind works sometimes. Either I am the most creative and inventive person on earth for having the mental capacity to connect a series of unrelated ideas, or I am a deeply disturbed woman for the same exact reason. No need to vote on which YOU think I am. But this next bit of stream-of-conciousness thinking should give you a "fairly credible" indication.

Because after reading this article on the Hoffa/barn story, all I kept imagining is the look on the face of the FBI guy in charge of this investigation, if, after spending all this time and money tearing this farm to shreds because of a "fairly" credible tip, they find not a body but maybe a little kid's metal lunchpail, maybe one from the 70's, maybe even with H.R. Pufnstuf on it, containing the following note:

"Ha, ha -- made you look!"

Now THAT would be poetic justice.

When winners become losers

Under the heading "Reality TV Stars Gone Bad", we have Richard Hatch, the first "Survivor" million-dollar winner, who was sentenced to 51 months in prison for tax evasion on his winnings.

The judge said he issued a "harsher than expected" sentence because Hatch not only committed the offence but lied about it in court. Insult to injury and all that.

I seem to recall that Hatch's defense ploy was "not knowing" he was supposed to pay the taxes and he claimed that he thought the show's producers were going to take care of the tax liability.

Oh, puh-LEEZ!

If there is anyone out there that is buying that lame excuse, I'd like to sell you the Mona Lisa. I'll give you a good price. Honest, I will.

If you looked up "stupid" in the dictionary, you'd see this woman's picture

Although there is very little in life that really truly shocks me, it's often hard to believe what some people will try to get away with. There is always some joker in the deck who thinks he's got the perfect scam to make money the "easy" way, or to con some poor old lady out of her pension money, or to literally get away with murder. While the rest of us shake our heads in disbelief at their actions, the part that really gets me is that these losers must actually believe they can beat the system and that the rules don't apply to them; they honestly think they're being "smarter" than the people they are trying to victimize.

From time to time, I'll read about one of these savants in the news and just can't resist sharing the idiocy with the rest of the blogosphere -- because we all know that one of the quickest ways to feel better about the dumb things we do ourselves every day, is to find someone else even dumber than you... and then point at them and snicker. So today, I am pleased to announce a new blog category: "What were they THINKING?" to capture these Kodak moments of complete and utter stupidity.

So here's the first receipient of my "What were they THINKING?" award:

A wheelchair-bound Los Angeles woman, who has repeatedly filed lawsuits over access for the disabled, got up and ran after police arrested her for fraud.

Laura Lee Medley, 35, had sued in at least four California cities over injuries she claimed she sustained while trying to navigate her wheelchair before she was suspected of fraud.

Medley, who claimed to be paralyzed from a drunk driving accident, was tracked to Las Vegas where police there took her into custody and then, when she complained of medical issues, to a local hospital, Long Beach prosecutor Belinda Mayes said.

"She gets to the hospital and while she's waiting for an examination, she gets up from the chair and runs," Mayes said. "Somebody remarked, 'That's where the great miracle occurred.' "  [Read complete article from CNN.com]

I'm sure if Ms. Medley had blog access from jail and could read this, she'd be really flattered to receive this prestigious honor. She's just that stupid.

What do teddies crapping rainbows, mooses, and American Bandstand all have in common? Apparently, Me.

Because it's always fun (and sometimes a bit scary) to peek into the psyche of other people, here are more bizaare and completely off-topic (at least, they're off MY topics!) ways people have found this blog in recent weeks, using the following search keywords at Google and other search engines:

• bizaare news
• mooses affected by global warming
• 1001 ways to kill ticks using household chemicals
• breast guillotine trick (OHMYGOD, I don't even want to know what this one is about)
• fluffy teddies that crap rainbows (exCUSE me?)
• peter pan bounce upstate ny
• soul macaroni and cheese (now that's MY idea of "comfort food"!)
• destroyed a neighbors fence and gate illegally nz (shame on you, was that nice?)
• yowza shirt american bandstand
• shelving sold by walmart
• best april fools joke on your boyfriend (Wouldn't that be telling him he knocked you up? Or would that come under the heading "how to kill your boyfriend without laying a hand on him"?)

Of course, the keywords that seem to find me most often continue to be anything having to do with "emotionally unavailable men, mothers, or boyfriends", anything with the word "bold" or "soul" in it (and for those who were looking, "soul" in French is "âme"), and being "single over 40" and "why am I still single". Nice to know my "core audience" is still finding me!

Whether you came here on purpose or found me because you were Googling "1001 april fools jokes to play on mooses wearing yowza shirts illegally"... thanks for taking the time to visit (from any one of 93 countries!) and spend a few minutes with me. Y'all come back now, y'hear?

Affectionately yours,
Lisa, a.k.a. The Bold Soul

See what binging like an elephant will get you?

Junk food isn't good for anyone -- especially someone with an elephant's appetite.

From the Associated Press today:

Sri Lanka's most celebrated elephant, "Raja," has fallen ill after eating scores of cookies, chocolates and other rich food offered to him as part of Buddhist new year celebrations.

At dawn Tuesday, monks found Raja writhing in pain with tears in his eyes.

Elephant's mostly eat vegetation, and their digestive system can not easily cope with rich or processed foods, veterinarians said.

The monks on Tuesday hung a handwritten notice by Raja's enclosure that read: "Do not feed the elephant."

Other than the unbelievable grammar errors in that last paragraph ("elephants" should not have an apostrophe; and it should be "their digestive systems" not "system" -- can you believe this writer got published by AP, and no editor caught the mistakes?) I feel bad for Raja. He's clearly got a case of the "morning afters" from his junk food binge.

Maybe other binge eaters should hang that same sign on their refrigerators, along with a photo of poor Raja prostrate in pain. Seems like it might be a good reminder about the need for moderation.

I'd hate to be THIS guy

Would you want to be the judge that has to hear a case where you had to determine whether or not Jesus Christ actually existed? Hell, no!

Well, it seems there is a judge in Rome who is in just that legal hot seat. The plaintiff, a card-carrying atheist who has written a book (and is obviously looking for a lot of publicity) is suing a priest (and the Church - guilt by association, you see), claiming that the priest broke two Italian laws relating to swindling/conning the public and impersonation. What did the priest do to invite this attack? Just his regular job... talking about Jesus to members of his congregation. That's what he gets paid for.

I think it's pretty obvious who will win in this case (it's Italy, for crying out loud), but aside from the utter ridiculousness of this story, the first thing that popped into MY mind was: shades of Miracle on 34th Street! You know, the one where the judge was supposed to decide if Santa Claus existed? He found in favor of Santa - and rightly so. And we all watched little Natalie Wood and cried.

I wouldn't want to be that Italian judge for all the pizza in Pisa. No judge wants to be the one to rule against a venerated and adored public figure - mythical or not - because that's the kind of legal ruling that will end a judge's career. And imagine the ramifications of ruling against Jesus? That atheist doesn't have a chance in Hell... but of course being an atheist he doesn't believe in Hell either so what does it matter?