The Bold Soul

In a parallel universe

Long-time readers of The Bold Soul know that every so often, I read about some utterly ridiculous story in the media and it's so off-the-wall that I simply MUST pass it on and write about it here. Well, the other day I came across what may just be the most hysterically funny evidence of insanity I've ever heard, and it didn't come from the media but from a business contact of mine.

I subscribe to a writer's discussion list and one of the other members recently put a question out to the group: should we freelance writers see clients in our own homes, and if so what are the risks and how to avoid them? It seems that Steve, who among other types of career-related services writes resumes, had a new client come over to the house... and the client made him and his wife rather nervous. The general concensus of the writer's group was that it's so much easier to just meet with clients outside your home office that it's not worth the risk to invite them to meet with you in your home. [Read more over here on my writer's blog about this topic.]

Then Steve shared what it was about this particular client that set his poor wife's nerves on edge:

The guy who came over to my house for a resume had drafted what he wanted me to say. He started a program for AIDS in Egypt, helped teens kick alcohol, and a few other very impressive things. But when I questioned him, it turns out he didn't actually do those things.

Then, he said, "Well, I did them in a parallel universe. I WOULD have done those things if I had the time."

I'm going to use that parallel universe bit next time a cop pulls me over.

Is that not the BEST excuse you've ever heard for lying on your resume? And think about it, Steve's onto something, because you could TOTALLY work that excuse for just about anything you want in life.

Missed a deadline? Oh, well in your parallel universe, you exceeded that deadline and brought the project in 50% UNDER budget, too... so it's all right.

Wish you'd become an astronaut and sorry you never made the effort to study harder in science class so you could get into NASA? Well, your parallel universe self has already done that, so you can hold your head up high and go back to your boring desk job.

The possibilities are endless. Especially when you are certifiably insane. But wow, the guy gets points for imagination, I'll say that.

Story reprinted with permission. Contact Steve Fredericks.

The straw that broke the camel's "TSA-approved" back

I have decided to share with you the letter I have just now sent via email to the TSA (Transportation Security Administration) of the United States Government. Now, I'm not in the habit of writing letters to government officials -- in fact, I think I have only once written to any of my congressmen -- but this time, they've gone too far.

I think the letter is self-explanatory. If any of you would care to spread the word to others by linking back to this post, please feel free. And if you happen to have contacts at any major media outlets who would be interested in picking this up as an op-ed piece, please put them in touch with me as I'd love to talk to them. Sometimes, you just have to speak up for what's right.

Even if it's about a lock that cost $6.99.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Email Dated: April 29, 2009
To: TSA-ContactCenter@dhs.gov

Dear TSA representatives and management,

I am an American citizen who recently flew from Newark, NJ to Paris, France with my husband, and we each checked two bags for our flight on Air France, all of which had “TSA approved” combination locks. These locks are sold in stores around the US and abroad, and the manufacturers claim that they are TSA approved so that the TSA can open them WITHOUT breaking them when they want to do a checked bag inspection. I’ve been using locks like this ever since the TSA security guidelines where upgraded following the 9/11 attacks, because I still want my personal belongings to be secured but don’t wish the locks to be broken.

Upon arrival in Paris, we discovered at baggage claim that two of the four bags were missing their locks. Upon looking inside all the bags when we reached home, one of these lock-less bags contained a “Notice of Baggage Inspection” from the TSA, while the other – where the contents had clearly been “rearranged” by someone, I’m hoping and assuming it was a TSA baggage inspector – had no such printed notice within. One of the two other bags which still had its lock ALSO contained the same printed notice.

I have no problem with the TSA needing to inspect my bags and I understand the need for safety precautions. I’m glad to know that bags are checked if there is some question about their contents. And nothing appeared to be missing from our bags. What I do NOT like is paying good money for locks that are supposedly TSA-approved and which the TSA should be able to open without breaking… only to find out that on the printed notice, it says “If the TSA security officer was unable to open your bag for inspection because it was locked, the officer may have been forced to break the locks on your bag…. TSA is not liable for damage to your locks resulting from this necessary security precaution.” The airline web sites, such as Continental.com, routinely state that passengers should use only TSA-approved locks when locking luggage: “All checked baggage is screened by the Transportation Security Administration (TSA). Refrain from locking your checked baggage or use a TSA Accepted & Recognized Lock. TSA is mandated by Federal law to screen 100% of checked baggage. If your baggage alarms and TSA cannot gain access to your checked bag, unrecognized locks may be broken. TSA will not reimburse passengers for unrecognized locks broken as a result of the security screening process. For more information about the TSA, visit www.tsa.gov.”

Well, I DID use TSA-approved locks – all had the TSA diamond-shaped logo on them and the packaging specified it was TSA approved. Now, two of them are gone and I will have to pay to replace them. Why was the TSA agent unable to open this TSA-recognized lock? Was he just lazy and in a hurry? Is it now quicker and easier for the agent to damage my locks than to take the time to get a pass-key and open it the correct way? Why is the TSA putting its name on these locks if it isn’t going to bother to open them the right way? Just because you are a government agency, do you feel you don’t owe the consumer anything for damaging locks your agency supposedly approved in the first place?

It may seem like a minor issue to you at the TSA, having to compensate a lowly passenger for a broken lock, given that there are certainly bigger problems in the world and your job is to focus on security. But isn’t it bad enough the airlines are constantly cutting corners on the comfort of the passengers in order to save money and make more profit for themselves and their shareholders? Isn’t it bad enough that passengers are subjected to rude employees, non-functioning toilets, having to now pay for pillows, peanuts, and checked luggage on many flights, and tolerating long waits for their “scheduled” flights to take off even when bad weather is not a factor? Do we now have to leave our luggage UNLOCKED, where items can (and often ARE) stolen by corrupt airport employees and baggage handlers? Isn’t it bad enough that we can’t even redeem the frequent flyer miles we’ve spent years earning, because the airlines don’t want to honor their own frequent flyer programs and promises to customers? This is getting ridiculous. Just how much are we supposed to take? You can say that we don’t HAVE to fly, but for some of us it’s really not an option; in my case I live in France because my husband is French and this is where his work and his children are located, but my family – including my 75-year-old mother – are all in the U.S. So let’s face it, sometimes some of us have to get on a plane whether we want to or not, no matter what we have to spend to do it, and no matter how badly the airlines and the TSA decide to treat us. Is it too much to ask that we have some peace of mind about our luggage being secure?

When we, the flying public, follow the TSA’s rules and buy the right TSA locks, and the TSA STILL sees fit to break them anyway, I would think the least the TSA could do is include some sort of reimbursement voucher in the luggage along with that standard card of explanation. It would be only common decency – when you break something belonging to someone else, you’re supposed to compensate them, yes? But clearly this has become an industry that no longer seems to feel that passengers should be treated with respect. Instead, we’re treated like criminals to be body-scanned and frisked without respect for personal dignity, or we’re treated as cattle to be pushed around and crammed into tiny, uncomfortable spaces for hours and hours on end… “privileges” for which WE, the passengers, now pay absurd amounts of money, I might add (my round trip airfare on this flight was nearly $200 MORE in April than when I flew the same route for the Christmas holidays!)

So forgive me if I’m a little irate at having to go out and buy two more new locks the next time I have to fly, considering I had just purchased the two you broke, a mere three weeks ago. The next time YOU have to fly somewhere, I hope you have as lovely an experience with YOUR baggage as you have given to us.

By the way, I’m posting a copy of this letter on my blog and hoping that my numerous international blog readers, Twitter followers and Facebook friends will share this with others. If I can get a few media outlets to pick it up as an op-ed piece, I intend to do that too. Word-of-mouth can be a very powerful thing. It might behoove the TSA and the airlines to remember that.

Sincerely,

Lisa Taylor Huff
Freelance Writer, Author and Disgruntled Airline Passenger

Knock-off

Under the heading of "Don't Try This at Home (or Work)", this just in:

When I read this story about the woman who claims she slipped some tranquilizers into her boss' coffee because she thought he needed to "chill out", my first thought was that she probably saw my favorite scene from the movie 9 to 5 just one too many times.

Knocking off one's boss is a fantasy many of us have probably had at one time or another especially those of us who've had the "boss from hell". Acting on it is another thing altogether. Not too bright, even if your boss is a total butt-head.

By the way, I actually have one of those "poison rings" that Lily Tomlin uses in the movie clip. Found it at an antique show years ago and just had to have it; but I never wear it as it's huge and clunky, although it's beautiful. Still, I don't think I'd be tempted to use it on MY boss... as I'm self-employed.

Stranger than fiction

Read in the March issue of FUSAC while indulging in a hot chocolate at Ladurée this morning (a small private celebration for having successfully -- I hope -- submitted my name changes/passport renewal at the Embassy):

Oh. My. God.

I might have answered the ad, except for the part about needing my own weapons and no guarantee of my safety. If I went back in time and could choose the time I wanted to visit, I sort of picture myself being like Laura Ingalls Wilder... and she never had to fight off the bears, wolves and Indians herself. She had her Pa to do that for her while she cowered under the covered wagon with the rest of the women-folk. Or maybe going back like in the movie "Somewhere in Time" or "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" might not be so bad. But "bring your own weapons"? And not getting paid until AFTER you've risked your life? What's up with THAT? Never do anything on spec; get the money up front, that's my motto.

Who wants to bet that the person who had to accept this ad at FUSAC probably wet his/her pants laughing after reading this one for the first time? "Hello, Crazy Police? We've got someone you'll probably want to pick up and cart away to a nice soft padded cell somewhere." And yet they still took the guy's money, I notice.

And yes, this is the actual ad; I wasn't just hallucinating on a hot-chocolate high.

And then there were none

Saturday night, Georges and I were killing time before seeing "Pink Panther 2" at the Gaumont on the Champs Elysées, so we headed to the Virgin Megastore to browse the book section. We asked an employee where we could find books in English.

And were directed HERE. To the place where they apparently keep the ONE English-language book they have in stock. The one I bought ("About a Boy" by Nick Hornby).

So much for that.

P.S. I am pretty sure the sign actually does say "English", not "Engiish" -- that would have been too good for words -- but I think it's just the angle and lighting. Or maybe they really DID misspell English.

Having a WALL-E moment

I was in a café, killing some time while awaiting the arrival of my husband and step-son. I was enjoying a lovely hot cappucino and making some notes in my Moleskine for my next book and I just happened to look up and gaze out at the passers-by, where I observed two young women walking side by side. They were obviously going somewhere together as they were walking rather quickly through the freezing cold at the same pace.

And what I noticed was, they were BOTH talking on their cell phones.

It suddenly struck me as so odd, although it's probably not that uncommon, that they were with each other but totally engrossed in conversations on their phones. I'm sure they were both talking to other people which was bad enough, because if they were together then why did they both need to talk to other people. But then I had a moment where I couldn't help wonder: ARE they actually talking to each other... ON THEIR CELL PHONES? WHILE WALKING RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER? Have we finally gotten THAT reliant on technology that we can't have a simple conversation without some appliance in our hands?

It reminded me of the movie WALL-E where it's far, far into the future and people float around on hover-lounge chairs talking to each other ONLY through video phones (with hands free to drink smoothies and press buttons -- their only form of exercise -- all day long). And when, because of WALL-E, some of the people inadvertently lose their screens or fall out of their chairs (and out of their self-induced technology comas), they are dumbfounded because they haven't had a conversation with anyone face-to-face in, like, FOREVER.

I like my techno-gadgets as much as the next person but PUH-LEEZ. Let's not lose the ability to be aware of our surroundings or to interact with each other like what we are: PEOPLE.

And now, having said that, I think I'll close my laptop and go talk to my husband. Although he might be on HIS computer or iPod Touch.. reading this blog.

When honesty is not a virtue

It's been a while since I spotted something in the news that made me ask "What in the hell were they THINKING?" but we've got a live one today, from Muncie, Indiana.

The AP reported today that a woman was pulled over for a routine traffic violation. While the officer was processing her ticket, she asked him if it was all right if she smoked, and he said yes.

No problem, right? Wrong. The woman proceeded to light up a joint, not a regular cigarette. Right in front of the policeman.

Her first name? "Honesty" -- and yes, I'm serious.

Can a policeman write a summons for criminal stupidity?

Surpassing my understanding

It's been a while since I had any reason to post about my past as a single woman, let alone to THINK about it. Having just passed our 1-year anniversary of meeting and our 3-month wedding anniversary, suffice to say that I have plenty of good things to think about that are happening in my PRESENT, so I'm not putting any energy into dwelling on the past.

Today, though, two things sort of coincided that made me reflect on some of my ex-boyfriends. One was that I've been re-reading every blog post since the beginning, sifting through them for material to include in my book. And I got to this one about one of my exes who had been lurking on the blog. After that post, he got the hint, his cryptic encoded comments ceased, and although for all I know he may still be reading the blog, at least he's not up to his old games in my comments box.

In that same post, I also referred to another ex, one who continued to contact me over the years despite his being married, then married with children, then married with children and professing to have found Jesus (um, yeah, right). Each time, he would claim to still have feelings for me, no matter what was going on in my life and no matter how inappropriate it was for him to voice his feelings. And each time, I would tell him go away, and he would do so, but only for a while, and then years later he'd pop up again out of the blue.

Today was one of those times. He's "popped" again, more than five years after the last time. (I'm hearing the "Jaws" theme music... just when you thought it was safe...) This time, he tried to establish contact via a LinkedIn request where he listed himself as a "friend" of mine.

I couldn't believe my eyes. And all I could think of was: WTF????? IS HE COMPLETELY INSANE? I can't imagine why he'd think we are still friends. I've done everything I could do to make it clear I desire NO contact with him, that there is no earthly purpose in it as far as I'm concerned. Our original relationship lasted no more than three months but here he is, roughly FIFTEEN YEARS LATER, still hanging onto some imaginary thread of a connection between us. Not only is it annoying, it's pathetic.

In re-reading that blog post about ex's who won't stay ex-ed, at the same time as I received this LinkedIn request, it just served to remind me of how glad I am that THAT part of my life is behind me. And how blessed I feel to have a man in my life who never leaves me wondering about how he feels about me, the way my exes did.

I have no idea whether or not this ex-boyfriend reads this blog, or whether (if he doesn't read it) he even knows I'm married. Judging by his past track record and his casual disregard for his own marital status, he might not care if I'm married or not. But it doesn't matter. I simply have no interest in anything he might have to say to me, even if it's the most innocent "Just wanted to say 'Hey'".

And to his request to be Linked-In together? I clicked the button that said: "I don't know this person". Because he certainly doesn't know ME if he thinks I'd be even remotely interested in resurrecting something that was dead long ago.

I only hope it will be the last of him. He's not annoying or scary in a stalker-ish sort of way, luckily. I just have no patience with people who live in the past and don't see the present reality. Which in this case is: "What part of It's Over and Hell No, We Can't Be Friends don't you understand?"

What Not to Wear (to your wedding)

While I really, truly admire the kind of creativity and ingenuity it takes to design and make a wedding dress out of TOILET PAPER... I'm thinking this probably isn't the best choice a bride-to-be could make for her actual wedding dress. Nervousness making you perspire? Toss the bouquet a little too strenuously? Dancing a little too energetically at the reception? All recipes for disaster if you're wearing a paper dress.

Besides... do you really want a flushable wedding dress?

"I don't think FRANCE is a country"

I haven't really had to post anything under the "What were they THINKING?" category in a while, but this story was begging for it. You may have seen this already as I'm sure it's making the rounds on blogs and email, but I couldn't resist sharing it here.

I also love the part where she says "I thought Europe WAS a country" and had never heard of Hungary (pronounced "HONG-ry" like any good redneck), but somehow she knew TURKEY was a country. Maybe she should run for office.

The shocked amusement on those kids' faces was priceless. I hope this proves to them that looks alone obviously aren't going to get you very far in life.

P.S. Here's another version of the video with French subtitles. And another link to one of Jeff Foxworthy's "You might be a redneck if..." routines.

Tell us something we don't know

Don't you hate it when the media hypes a "top story" that is already blatantly obvious to the rest of us? Isn't that the very definition of the oxymoron, "old news"?

On CNN.com Health, here's the latest blockbuster:

Men more likely not to wash after bathroom use

I know there are men who do wash their hands, especially (I hope) if they've been, uhhh... sitting down. But let's be honest: if they can't even aim and hit the bowl with 100% accuracy, what makes us think they'll take the time to wash their hands each and every time, either?

Say it with me: "Puh-LEEZ!"

Water, water everywhere... or nowhere at all

Can someone explain to me - or to the Paterson, New Jersey police department - how thieves stole an entire swimming pool from someone's back yard... and apparently, they may have taken the 1,000 gallons of water, too? A woman awoke to find that her above-ground swimming pool had been stolen (and that was the only thing that was taken from their property), but what she and the cops can't figure out is: what did the thieves do with all the water, because there is no sign that they drained the pool anywhere in or around the yard before stealing it.

What's your best guess? A pump or a water truck would have made too much noise and someone would have noticed it. However they did it, they did it quietly. Unbelievable... just when you thought you'd heard it all.

And speaking of water, I have been hearing about the terrible flooding taking place in England right now. I checked Google Maps to get an idea of where the trouble spots are, and realized it's all happening right smack dab in the area through which I am planning a driving tour some time this year. My itinerary, starting in London, would have taken me to Oxford, then Stratford-upon-Avon, then to Bath, Salisbury, and Southampton. I think I'm glad I decided to postpone that trip until the autumn as I'm certain some of the roads would have been impassible right now.

I do hope the people who were or are in the path of the flooding will be OK. Nature is not being kind right now. I've never lived in a flood zone but in my native New Jersey, we've got several communities that are flood prone and over the years I've seen some pretty terrible stuff, so I can appreciate how terrible it is to see your home, business and belongings submerged.

In Paris, the summer is remaining comfortable and sometimes rainy but we're not getting so much rain that flooding is an issue. Walking with my date the other night, on the Paris Plage at the Pont Neuf, he pointed out the 1910 high water mark that is carved into the stone below the bridge, a reminder of the famous floods of 97 years ago.

Unwise

NOTE TO SELF: Never again use self-tanning towelettes to get that "sun-kissed" look on legs before weekend date with French guy.

Don't ask. It ain't pretty, people.

It's my party and I'll blog if I want to

The occasional derogatory comments and hate mails (fortunately, they're few and far between) I get from dissatisfied readers cause me to pose this question: Why do people bother reading blogs they so clearly hate? Or if "hate" is too strong a word (and I'm not sure that it is), then substitute "dislike" or "violently disagree with".

I'm serious about this question. Why would someone visit a blog regularly, then take the time to write to the author about how they hate the blog, and THEN go back for more? They continue reading the blog and continue bashing the blogger about what a waste of time they think the blog is. Call me crazy, but I know when I read a blog and don't like the content or the writing, I just leave and go do something else. I've got better things to do than to try and police the blogosphere. Do people really have that much spare time in their lives? Is it a form of masochism, reading something you dislike, or that bores you, or that upsets you, and constantly doing it over and over again? Why are they not out there doing something more constructive and meaningful with their lives, like say, telling small children there IS no Santa Claus (kids, I promise, that's just a nasty rumor, and Santa's fine and spending his summer hangin' with the reindeer, resting up for next Christmas).

I can understand if you're reading a blog, and then maybe one day the blogger writes something you just don't agree with; then fine, by all means feel free to express your opinion. But there's another variety of blog-critic out there, and THEY seem to think it's their job in life to rid the internet of whatever reading material THEY think is unworthy. They try to do this by telling the blogger to please stop blogging. (Attempted censorship?) Yeah, like THAT'S gonna work.

Ben Franklin said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results. So if you're reading a blog you hate and wish would disappear forever, and you KEEP on reading it expecting it to go away, then who's the insane one? Is it the blogger who keeps writing whatever he or she feels like writing, or is it you, the reader, who continues to read what you claim you do not want to read? Do you realize every time you go back and read that person's blog you supposedly hate, you're adding a "visit" and increasing the statistical popularity of that blog?

Here is a prime example of one of these rebel blog-critics without a real cause. "Verite" (a real misnomer, if you ask me) has been a commentor in the past few months who never has anything positive to say about what he/she reads here. Past comments have included remarks like "I read your blog out of a perverse fascination as to whether what you say can get anymore banal (you can put that among the quotes in the left hand corner of your page if you like)."

Today, Verite -- apparently unable to control him/herself another moment -- really came out swinging, in the following comment to this post about the recent Paris Bloggers' Picnic:

This is hilarious:

"60 or 70 of the most creative people living in Paris today"

- is it a joke?

You think blogging about dating and the funny stuff you ate and drank and did a wee wee in while in Paris is creative. Oh babes, you really don't know anyone in Paris do you?

You all copy each other and say the same old stuff that has been said by everyone else. And you think it is creative!! I think real french artists and actors and writers would find this hilarious - that you think because you set up a web page where you say what time it is in what country and the weather and how many hits you've had and use the word "fisting" to try and get more hits that you are a "writer". Oh bold soul you are such a bore and every time I read your blog i get more depressed about the state of the world and i come back thinking - is there a way to stop all these unimaginative and unoriginal people who would never even be known if it wasnt for the internet. Stop blogging. I come back with that one goal. Hoping your blog won't pollute the internet anymore. And i'm torn between feeling sorry for you because you don't understand anything and feeling bitter about the state of society.

Ummm... so if I really don't know anyone in Paris, who were those 60-70+ people at the Buttes Chaumont on Saturday, the ones with whom I was laughing and eating and drinking and talking about dating? OH, I get it: you mean I don't know anyone who matters. Like you, apparently. Yes, I'm really broken up about that. I need more closed-minded control freaks in my life. But thanks for mentioning "fisting" again in your comment because you just raised my blog stats another 2 percentage points.

So, Verite thinks we Paris bloggers ('cuz it's not just ME s/he's bashing this time, it's me and my peeps) are responsible for the state of the world. And s/he is under the misguided impression that his/her opinion represents the masses. I didn't realize Verite was the appointed guardian of creativity, originality, imagination and what's entertaining or worthy -- did you? Clearly, I must have missed that memo. Granted, the blogging we do may not be as impressive a contribution to mankind as being "bitter about the state of the world" and doing nothing of value with your bitter time and bitter attitude but bitterly haranguing ex-pat bloggers with your bitterness, but we can't all be Mother Theresa, now can we?

I do think Verite, who is obviously French, has a real issue with the non-French bloggers ("I think real french artists and actors and writers would find this hilarious") cluttering up the internet with our tripe. But Verite, did you know there were a good number of French bloggers also in attendance at that picnic? THEY don't seem to have a problem associating with the rest of us. They even shared their Pimm's with us without once wrinkling their noses in distaste. And they put up with our bad French with very good humor.

How are YOU contributing, Verite? Do YOU have a blog where you are making the internet and the world a better place in a way that we, who blog about plumbing and food and picnics and where our next shag is coming from, don't? Are you a "real" French artist or actor or writer, and if so, where are YOUR credentials -- show us your stuff! Or are you merely one of those sad people who gets off on bitching and moaning, but who doesn't have the guts to get out in the world and do something? All I see is someone who likes to complain about the world and the other people in it. That doesn't make you better than the rest of us; it makes you pathetic. And more than a little bit tiresome.

I find that people like Verite -- those who seem to live to tell OTHERS how to live, because they think they've got the copyright on that -- are typically guilty themselves of the very things for which they criticize others. I find people like THIS to be "banal" and "a bore", and they clearly have a superiority complex (there's a pill for that, you know) because they feel it's their job in life to police the internet and make it safe for close-minded stick-up-their-asses people like themselves.

And the people who write in to tell us they hate our blogs and to stop blogging? They miss the point completely - no one is FORCING them to read our blogs. The internet is a passive activity, you have to make the effort to turn on your computer, open your browser, and CLICK something. It's also a medium where anyone can write anything they want, and no one has to like it. So Verite "babes", if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Change the channel. "If you want it to stop hurting, stop touching it!" Find another hobby. Go click yourself.

We banal and boring bloggers? We're sticking around. Deal with it. And you're boring my other readers with your banalité.

... and a Spammer gets Canned

And there's more good news afoot in the world today.

One of the world's most prolific and annoying spammers has been arrested and charged with 35 counts of mail fraud, wire fraud, e-mail fraud, aggravated identity theft and money laundering. He is 27-year-old Robert Alan Soloway (say it with me now: boooo.... hissss.....), and his is the first case in the U.S. where authorities have used identify theft statutes to nail a spammer for taking over someone else's domain name.

This creep is responsible for so much spam that it's believed the rest of us might even notice a drop in our daily junk e-mail as a result of his arrest. Wouldn't THAT be a nice thing?

Sometimes, there is justice, even in the elusive underworld of the Internet. I wonder if he's the guy who's been sending me all these fake eBay emails that try to get my credit card information? (Ha! I'm too smart for that old trick!) If he is, I'd like just 5 minutes alone with him.

Just me, him, and that nice cattle prod I bought on eBay last week.

Children live what they're taught

It only took 43 years for a town in Georgia to remember that segregation has no place in America.

Students at a high school in Ashburn, GA voted this year to have an integrated prom. For the first time ever. IN THE YEAR TWO THOUSAND AND SEVEN.

I had to read it twice to make sure I was getting this right. It's 2007 in America and there are still towns in the south that are still having segregated social events? I must be some kinda naive Yankee white girl because this really surprised me.

I'm glad that the students at this school voted for this and the school supported it. It's not clear from the article why the earlier tradition (of parents arranging for two segregated events) was allowed to continue for such a long time except that if the events were privately held and not sponsored by the school then there's not much anyone could do about it. But I think it's obvious that children live what they're taught, and apparently even in the 21st century, racial biases continue to be handed down from generation to generation in this town, like grandpa's old pocket watch. I can only assume this didn't happen sooner because some of the less evolved adults in the town were against it (and sure it sounds as if some still are: 'My mommy and daddy -- they don't agree with being with the colored people.').

This year the school also did away with having two separate homecoming queens, too. But isn't it sad that it took so long, and that even the kids don't necessarily see the old segregated proms as a racial issue: "The white people have theirs, and the black people have theirs. It's nothing racial at all."

Shame on those who continue to propogate biases; I realize it's not easy to change these things but by this time we damn well ought to be trying harder. That said, it sure was nice to read that those kids that did attend had a great time at their first official SCHOOL prom. Because that's the way high school SHOULD be... just kids together -- ALL the kids -- having the time of their lives.

Googlery will get you... well, here

I haven't posted in a while about some of the truly bizarre ways people are finding my blog through Google or other search engines. So, since it's a subject that's long overdue, here are some insights into some of your fellow readers:

I continue to be disturbed by people who are looking for information on "breast guillotine" and who find my site listed about TENTH, apparently because of a post I once wrote on the actual guillotine invented and used in France as the death penalty tool of choice. But I wrote my post in the context of the annual April 15th tax filing deadline in America!

Why would someone want to look for images of "dipping shoes"? What do they want them dipped in -- chocolate?

The largest number of searchers seem to be "over 40 and single", and typing in some combination of keywords to that effect. Nice to know there are more of us out there and apparently we're finding comfort and safety in numbers.

Of course when people are searching for information on Paris, they're likely to get my blog posts in their results for "macarons", "batignolles", "inner french girl", "parisian arcades" and "make your dream of living in paris a reality" (you GO girl!)

I think the person who was looking for "images of thunder rumbling" was probably disappointed in his search. Because last I checked, still photos couldn't capture SOUND and you can't SEE thunder.

At first, I was heartened by "dating: what to make a woman on a third date", thinking to myself "how nice, he wants to cook for her". Then I thought maybe he wasn't being so chivalrous after all because the third date is the de facto minimum waiting time for sex and if you already have the woman in your apartment after having cooked her a meal... then I thought, maybe he's not talking about making FOOD at all... yeah, buddy, we get the idea.

Other curiosities:

• ready made sculpture shovel (is there a market for ready made scupltures of a shovel?)
• famous people in Montana (I don't even know anyone in Montana, famous or otherwise)
• if I could change my past (here's a hint, dear: you CAN)
• naked mature wives (ew)
• 1001 ways to fall pregnant (first of all, I didn't know you could "fall" pregnant and second of all, I thought there was pretty much just the ONE way to do it)
• iyanla vanzant kraft macaroni and cheese (I'm a big fan of both but don't recall blogging about both of them together!)

In particular, this one touched me: "I'm getting bold at 17 what can I do to stop it?" Oh, the angst of being a teenager. I figured this one had to be a girl, and that by "getting bold" she probably meant she is worried about her body's natural changes and reactions to certain, um, stimulus. I'm guessing her daddy's a strict fundamentalist minister or something and she's been taught that sex is evil and wrong. I wish I could hug her and tell her not to worry about it, that she's normal and not a freak, and that she just needs to relax and not judge herself, but that she can still choose how and when and with whom when she's emotionally ready for such things. And furthermore she won't burn in hell for having those feelings, or even for ACTING on them.

Because if that were the case there'd be no one left in heaven.

Sure, she did

Forgive my skepticism when reading that Paris Hilton was arrested on a DUI last night where she claimed to have had only "one drink" at some charity event earlier in the evening. According to her spokesman, the DUI "symptoms" were "probably the result of an empty stomach and working all day and being fatigued".

If anyone else believes this story, please raise your hands because I think the Brooklyn Bridge is still up for grabs and I can get you a sweet deal.

[pausing for hand raises] Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Yeah, that's about what I thought.

Isn't it rather pathetic that someone can have had all the material advantages in life, not to mention being beautiful and the paparazzi's dream-come-true, and risk pissing it all away with an extreme lack of good judgment. Apparently money CAN'T buy everything... like common sense and the ability to care that you might hurt or kill someone through your selfish, reckless behavior.

Hang your head, Paris.

I didn't even know it was missing

Why do art thieves believe they can get rich by stealing famous works of art? I mean, I imagine that some of them probably do, if they find private buyers who will hang the stolen merchandise in a place where no one else will ever see it... like the bathroom wall. What's the point of having a beautiful, priceless piece of art if you can't even show it off to its best advantage and brag about it to everyone you know? What good is "owning" a painting if you have to hide it in a trunk or behind a fake wall in the back of your closet? And it seems to me that sooner or later, someone's going to find you out, lock you up for a very long time, and recover the artwork anyway. The Louvre got the Mona Lisa back, didn't they?

Like today, with Edvard Munch's angst-filled work, "The Scream" (one of my personal favorites). Although I wasn't aware it had been stolen two years ago in broad daylight by armed gunmen in a museum, apparently authorities in Norway have recovered it, along with a second Munch piece, "Madonna". (Are art lovers everywhere screaming in delight?) Great detective work, fellas!

But seriously, why would you steal something so well known? The odds of success have to be minimal. Yeah, yeah, I've seen Ocean's Eleven and Twelve and I'm sure there are characters out there who just love the challenge of the perfect heist. Still, it seems like you'd have to be either stupid or crazy to try it, because sooner or later, someone's gonna talk.

And fortunately this time, someone did. Welcome back, "Scream". (Is anyone else reminded of that kid in "Home Alone"?)

I can't believe I'm agreeing with a Kennedy

Once again, our Republican-controlled congress has stuck it to the American people, and right up the ol' wazzoo, too. They are trying to tie a long-overdue increase in the national minimum wage -- the first increase in a decade -- with a decrease in inheritance taxes on multi-million dollar estates. Yeah, like millionaires are suffering soooo much when they have to pay inheritance taxes.

In other words, it was a bill that would take one baby step for America's impoverished majority, one giant step in making America's richest even richer.

I wish someone could explain to me why these two issues had to be packaged together, since one has nothing whatsoever to do with the other. Could it be that (GASP!) Republicans do not really want to increase the minimum wage? We know damn well the minimum-wage-paying employers don't want the minimum to go any higher, because it eats into their profit margins. And if Congress wanted to decrease inheritance taxes, why not figure out a way to do it for ALL citizens? So does this mean the Republicans are once again putting the welfare of the rich and corporate America ahead of the welfare of the American working class?

You bet your outraged ass it does. The GOP appears to have no intention of allowing these things to be voted on separately any time soon. Good old Bill Frist was quoted as saying, "These issues must be addressed as a package, all or nothing".

Frankly, even the proposed minimum wage increase is completely pathetic. A $2.10 increase spread out over THREE YEARS? That's NOTHING. I have a part-time job in a pharmacy making $11 an hour and even if I worked a full 40-hour week, I couldn't make it on that without having to get a second job (probably one at or close to minimum wage). And I haven't had a raise in pay from my employer in two years. I started at $10 over 3 years ago as a cashier in the pharmacy in a VERY wealthy community. Within 6 months they decided to train me as a pharmacy technician - a lot more work and more responsibility, but no more money. I had to ASK for a raise at the 1-year mark, and got 50 cents an hour. A full year later, I got another 50 cents, unasked-for. That was it. Now I only work a few hours a week for a little extra cash so I'm in no where near as bad a situation as most people working at low-income jobs. I'm just saying that even in my situation, my employer who is otherwise a decent person (he does start the high-school kids off at around $7/hr), is completely clueless about voluntarily paying his people what they're really worth.

Meanwhile the cost of living goes up every year, gas prices are through the roof, and all of that would eat up what little gains this proposed 3-yr. increase might bring to those currently trying to survive on the $5.15 minimum.

The icing on the cow pie of this story, for me at least, is that for the first time in my life, I'm forced to agree with none other than Ted Kennedy--whom I usually just consider a big blow-hard--when he said, "The Republican plan was cynical, it was contemptible, and it was cowardly". What else can you call a plan that would force Democrats to vote to pad the pockets of the wealthy minority just to finally get Republicans to agree to a tiny pay increase for our poorest citizens? I am so sick and tired of the bi-partisan bullshit in this country, and of these Senators and Congressmen boosting their egos and having their little turf wars (and, I might add, voting in HUGE pay raises for themselves every single year) while America's middle and working classes are going right down the toilet.

I'd like to see each of these bone-headed lawmakers live for 30 days working at $5.15 an hour. I predict they would last exactly a week.

Hang your heads in shame, you worthless Republicans who created this plan. I used to vote Republican years ago but can no longer back you people in good conscience any more because your sense of values is completely warped. I hope you know that this is very bad Karma, and I can't wait until it comes back to bite you all right in your fat, rich Congressional derrières.

A nickel for your thoughts... ?

As if there aren't far more pressing and important matters for our government to worry about -- what with Bush using the "S" word at the G8 summit and all -- now there's a congressman who has made it his life's work to eliminate.... the penny.

Does the penny matter? Or is it just a nuisance, as he seems to think it is? Granted, with inflation being what it is, you can't buy penny candy at the store anymore, and no one wants to hear your 2 cents' worth about anything these days. A penny won't even buy your thoughts nowadays.

But again, I think the point is that we are paying this congressman WAY more than a damned penny in salary and this is how he's spending his days? Dreaming up legislation to eliminate an annoying but harmless piece of metal from our monetary system after over 200 years?

I think Congressman Kolbe's constituents in Arizona ought to demand his resignation, because they clearly got ripped off when they elected him. And they can pay him a penny as part of his severance package.

There ARE no good men where SHE'S going

This story demonstrates just how desperate some 40-something women can get in their search for a "good man".

A woman in Oregon was arrested after calling the 911 system to locate the "cute cop" who had been at her house earlier that day after a neighbor called in a noise complaint. When she phoned the 911 system, she admitted there WAS no emergency but wanted the 911 dispatcher to pass along her phone number to the officer. "Heck, it doesn't come very often a good man comes to your doorstep" was her rationale. Of course, calling 911 for a non-emergency is against the law... so the only thing she got from that officer was a set of handcuffs (and not in a GOOD way) and a ride to jail.

Ladies, don't try this at home. Lack of a man in your life does NOT constitute an "emergency", no matter how long it's been since you last had a date.

Because if it was, I'd already be at the top of that list.

Disa-POIN-ted!

Italy wins the World Cup (there is much rejoicing among Italian-Americans tonight). So what was up with that head-butting by Zidane? Zut alors!

In which men as a gender run -- and then sink to a new level of stupidity

Just when you think men can't get possibly any dumber about their ideas of what constitutes manly behavior, we have... the running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain.

In which people -- almost all men, as far as I've ever heard -- stand in front of six 1,500 pound angry bulls on purpose, wearing red scarves (which everyone knows is the color that will anger a bull) and then run from them.

In which every year, people are hurt, some of them very seriously. This year it was a 31-year-old bond trader from New York who ended up paralyzed. A couple of years ago, one guy was gored in the groin. Gee, and you guys thought it was bad to be kicked there.

In which people claim the danger is the "attraction". Frankly I don't think it's all that cool to be gored by a bull. It may have gotten laughs on "Everybody Loves Raymond" and "City Slickers" but imagine having bull snot all over you while you run for your life. How is that fun?

In which 13 people have been killed since 1924. You might say that given the number of people who run in this thing every year, that's a small percentage. But is this any way to die? What would you put on your tombstone: "Here lies Joe, a man who died in the stupidest way imaginable -- trampled by a pissed off Spanish bull."

C'mon, guys, wake up and smell the bullshit! This kind of thing is not an "adventure". It does not make you more of a man. It does not make you sexier. It does not make us want to know you better in the biblical sense. We will never brag to our girlfriends about how we think it's neat that you're going to run with the bulls. And it's cruel to the animals -- they're not having any fun and they often fall and get hurt, too.

There is simply no way you can rationalize this as being a worthwhile life goal. It's just plain macho crap. Get a clue already.

Things you NEVER want to see in your mailbox

Under the heading "Things we NEVER want to get in the mail", we've got:

• bills;
• chain letters;
• the mailbox filled entirely with shaving cream;
• a mail bomb (fortunately the Uni-bomber is finally behind bars); or
• a live tarantula sent from a disgruntled coworker.

That is one sick bastard.