I keep thinking there will no longer be a need for me to keep harping on this subject, but apparently not. Some of you out there are still wondering.
My now infamous blog post from April 2007, "He's Into Me... He's Into Me Not", continues to be quite popular with Google for anyone who has typed in something like "is he into me or not?" As I'm working on my book, I've been spending some time going over old blog posts by way of organizing my thoughts for the book, and today this one caught my eye again.
In reading it, I realized it still holds true -- everything I thought and said about men, dating, and how we women need to stop making excuses for the ones who simply aren't into us enough. It now frustrates me when I hear a perfectly lovely woman wasting her energy, wondering why that "special someone" hasn't called, or when he'll call, or what he meant by that cryptic email he sent, or when he's going to ask her out again. Blah blah blah, in an endless loop, single women everywhere are having much the same conversation with themselves and their girlfriends, micro-analyzing every detail of what was said and what it "meant". And driving themselves nuts in the process. And for what? If he's not into you, then he's NOT. If you even have to ask the question... then sorry, honey -- he's NOT. And it doesn't even matter one iota WHY he's not into you. The "why", if there even IS one, will not make it better, and it won't change things. Best thing to do is accept it as a fact, give up the melodrama, and move on with your life. Don't waste yourself on some guy who has no clue about your fabulousness. Don't blame yourself. Don't wonder what you could have done or said to "be what he wants," because if you aren't already what he wants right this moment, then what else is there to be said? Do you really want to be with any man who doesn't absolutely adore you, cellulite and all, right this very moment? Wake up and smell the non-fat latte, ladies. You deserve better. And until you embrace that fact and stop making excuses, creating drama and wasting your time, you will continue to get exactly what you don't want: men who don't love and appreciate you exactly the way you are.
This is not to say that I consider myself to be some sort of expert in men or dating. Obviously if I were, I might not have remained single until I was 46. I would not have had primarily short-term relationships, excepting one that lasted about 18 months, give or take. I would not have spent thousands on therapy and every self-help book out there on the market, looking for the answers. I don't have all the answers... but then again, I don't NEED all the answers because there is only ONE ANSWER that makes sense: if the guy you like isn't seeing you as marvelous, wonderful, amazing, and the woman he's waited for his whole life, then it's his loss. Next!
How do I know this to be so? Because six months after I wrote that post (with one more unsatisfying but blessedly short dating interlude with yet another guy who was not only NOT into me, but gave my phone number to his unemployed artist brother without my permission), I finally met THE GUY. The one I'd waited my whole life to meet. I didn't have to jump through hoops, manipulate him, play games, or lose even one pound to get him and keep him, either. I never lost a night's sleep wondering if he cared about me or wondering what he meant when he said or did such-and-such. He let me know from the first MOMENT that he was interested, and he kept on letting me know. Even after we got married. He lets me know every single day. And he was and is everything I ever wanted in a lover and life partner. Knowing him, having him in my life, has proved to me once and for all the difference between "into" and "NOT into". And the only thing I'm sorry about was that it took me so long to figure that out for myself.
Just for a short recap, here are just some of the ways I know he's really into me. You can probably add your own variations to this list, but use it as a starting point:
- He not only asked me to move in with him, and his three kids (and psychotic cat), but he proposed to me two months later, and married me three months after that. Despite the fact he'd been in committed relationships before and didn't think he'd ever want to be in another one, when he met he, he knew what he wanted and the rest just fell into place effortlessly.
- Every single day since we've been together, he looks at me like he just won the lottery. Like he can't believe his good fortune. I look at him the same way. Because I DID win the lottery... the one that counts.
- He can't keep his hands off me... and it's not all about sex, either. We have intimacy between us that goes way beyond the bedroom. And did I mention I'm like 95 lbs overweight? He could care less.
- There are some uncertainties in our life at the moment, but the one complete certainty I have is knowing, without a shadow of a doubt, that he's the man I will be with forever. We were meant to meet the way we did, and "soul mates" doesn't even go far enough to describe the connection we have. And this was evident to both of us within the first 10 days of knowing each other.
- In the very beginning, because it was so new and so unexpected to both of us, he used to say "I love you... for right now". Now normally, I would have been freaked out by that little "disclaimer" he felt compelled to at the end of that declaration, but instead I just smiled to him and to myself, because I knew that was just his way of coping with the overwhelming emotions we were both feeling. He dropped the "for right now" part in less than a week, by the way. And we just agreed to accept how insane it all was, and enjoy it.
- This is a man who will do all manner of things cheerfully, lovingly and with good grace when he knows it's something that will make me happy or will make me feel good. Like scratching my back at night, which I find very relaxing, even if he's reading or tired. Or kissing the back of my neck (especially when he hasn't shaved yet) for no reason other than he was passing by my chair. Or cleaning the cat box (something that will no longer be necessary as the cat has been adopted by others) which of course no one WANTS to do, but he'll do it anyway so I don't have to.
- He kept the cleaning woman after I moved in, to make BOTH our lives easier. He didn't expect me to come in and suddenly take over the care of the entire house and family without help.
- He asks my opinion, and is interested in what I have to say. Always.
- He told me to stop working on other projects that might bring in some extra money for us, so I could work on and finish my own book, and it is his utter faith in my ability to be a successful author that keeps me going even in moments when I doubt myself. I've never in my life been financially supported by a man, and it wasn't easy for me to adjust to this in the beginning, but his generosity in this matter is just evidence of his generosity in all things.
I could go on and on. The point is, this man has made it abundantly clear from the moment I stepped off the bus to meet him on that first day, that he was and is completely "into me" and that this will never change. It is in everything he says and does. It's in how he looks at me, how we speak together, how we can't seem to be near each other without wanting to make physical contact of any kind. And I see no reason why this will ever stop.
So ladies, just know this: if you stop wasting your time and your energy and your beautiful self on all those wrong guys, both the losers and the ones who are decent guys but who just aren't into YOU (which is not your fault!), then you free yourself up to be available for the RIGHT guy. Who will find you and adore you, and everything you are.
I'm living proof. If this could happen for me at 46, it can happen for anyone.
More posts along these lines that you might want to read, if you need more convincing about what "into you" really looks like:
- Clues (October 11, 2007)
- One Week (October 16 2007)
- Overwhelmed (October 26, 2007)
- Don't Hold Your Breath, Girls (November 6, 2007)
- Within the Sound of His Voice (December 6, 2007)
- Forward (February 18, 2008)
- A Way with Words (March 20, 2008)
- Inévitable (April 20, 2008)
- Better and Better (May 30, 2008)
- Nine (July 4, 2008)
- Nearly-weds (July 10, 2008)
- For the Last Time, He's Not Into You If... (June 26, 2008)