I subscribe to just a few email newsletters, even though I know there are lots of good ones out there, mainly because I don't have a lot of free time to read through the extra email, and sometimes I don't even have the time to read the ones I do subscribe to. But then, there are the days -- like yesterday -- where I do take the time to read and I'm instantly glad I did, because something jumps out at me and I totally feel like the Universe just gave me a good kick in the pants.
This was the recent gem from one such newsletter that inspired me to write today's post:
"I am disappointed at people who hesitate to start something important because
they're just waiting to learn enough or know enough or to figure out the answer." -- Seth Godin*
And I thought, "YES! That's it exactly!" Seth expressed one of the biggest challenges, as I see it at least, to someone living a bolder life where "something important" (i.e. a big dream) is actually achieved -- instead of simply being endlessly talked-about or wished-for.
I have either personally coached or have otherwise come in contact with many people who get completely stuck on the "HOW?" of whatever challenge, project, dream, crisis or dilemma they're dealing with. And then they get frustrated or depressed because what they want to achieve isn't happening fast enough... or at all. What I mean is, they are afraid to make a move until they can totally figure out, in advance of taking action, exactly HOW they are going to do it, or HOW it is going to happen step-by-step, or HOW they are going to find the right people to join them in doing it, or HOW they are going to feel about it when it happens, or HOW they are going to pay for it. Then, if they can't get all those answers to the HOW sorted out just perfectly, they stop dead in their tracks. They just stop, paralyzed by the fear of making a mistake or a wrong decision. So instead of taking the risk of getting it wrong, they do nothing. They choose INERTIA over BEING, HAVING OR DOING WHAT THEY REALLY WANT.
This occasionally makes me want to take them lovingly by the shoulders, look firmly yet compassionately into their eyes, smile, and then shake the living crap of them, screaming, "WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? THIS IS YOUR LIFE YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!" Seriously, when I talk about the "living crap", I mean it... I want to shake the crap (i.e., their fears, their hang-ups, their excuses for playing small) out of them so they will start LIVING. Because all that is standing in the way of them really living is the crap they have managed to pile up in the form of obstacles, whether real or imagined.
They will claim they are waiting until "something happens"... like maybe they are waiting for divine inspiration or intervention. They are waiting for "a sign", so while they're waiting the only sign they will follow is the one that says "STOP". Or as Seth says so accurately, they are waiting until they have learned enough or until they feel they're "qualified" enough. Whatever this mystical thing is they are waiting for, sometimes they don't even know... then they say "I guess I'll know it when I see it".
Insert heavy sigh here.
"Okay, fine", I would like to say to these people. "It's your life, and you are entitled to do whatever you like with it. And if you want to spend your life playing it safe and being ruled by your fears, that's your right. But then don't complain that you're not happy, not living your dream, or that you've got regrets about what you wanted to do in life but didn't. You can't achieve anything worthwhile in life by playing it safe all the time. Ask anyone you admire who has achieved something really big, and they'll tell you the same."
I understand about the fear and how it can foster that inertia. (Ever see a deer caught in the headlights? Same feeling.) I've been there, in the fearful place of not knowing what the HOW looks like, and I know how it can mess with your head and your self-confidence. I have spent long, sleepless nights agonizing over the HOW. I have shed tears when whatever I was doing to make the HOW happen wasn't working. I, too, have put my dreams on the back burner for long periods of time (even decades) because I couldn't envision, for the life of me, how the hell the HOW was going to work out.
When we are consumed by worrying about the HOW, one of two things is happening. The first possibility is that we are trying too hard to control everything, to stay in control of events, of others or of ourselves, because we fear what might happen if we aren't controlling it all. We are attempting to micro-manage the entire Universe to try and "make it happen" just the way we think it should; then if it doesn't fall into place precisely the way we planned, or according to our preferred time line, we think we're failing. Especially if you come from a culture or society that values the "make it happen" or the "pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" or the "no pain, no gain" approaches to success, as we do in America, it's very easy to fall into this trap of thinking that we MUST control or force everything if we want to succeed.
Yet nothing could be further from the truth. The harder we try to control things or force circumstances to match our vision of what "should" be, the less control we seem to have. We hate the notion that we really can't control much of anything external, but we keep trying anyway, don't we? "Control" is a negative or restrictive force, and any form of negative energy will keep things from moving forward.
The other reason we can get stuck in the HOW is that we're sometimes afraid of what will happen if we actually SUCCEED... so by letting our issues with the HOW get in the way, we give ourselves good excuses (so we think) not to take action or move forward, not to achieve what we really want in life. I know for a fact that I have definitely been guilty of this one in the past, specifically when it came to years of yearning to move to Paris before I finally got around to doing it.
Here is the thing about the HOW, the little secret I finally figured out about it:
The HOW is really none of my damn business to figure out in the first place.
It is not my job to always know every tiny detail of how everything is going to proceed, just as it's not my job to try and control any of it. If I put all my energy into agonizing over the HOW, I am missing the opportunity to live fully because I will end up being too wrapped up in the minutiae instead of being focused on the bigger picture. When I worry about the HOW, I am usually thinking about the past or the future, rather than being in the present moment.
So if I'm not supposed to be so obsessed with the HOW, then what AM I supposed to be doing to achieve my dreams and be who I want to be? The operative words in that sentence are WHAT and WHO. There are two things we do need to focus on when we're trying to accomplish something big in our lives: the WHAT, and the WHO. The WHAT is about being very clear in your vision of what you want to create or attract, the final outcome so to speak. The Universe can't give you what you want if you don't know what it is. So have a clear idea of your destination (the WHAT) and let the Universe take care of the route you'll take to get there (the HOW). And the other part of the equation -- the WHO -- is not about other people. It's about you... how you're feeling about your intended destination, and who you're being while you're on the journey.
I can hear some of you freaking out about all this, this suggestion that you should stop thinking so hard about HOW to do whatever it is you want to do, but relax. When I say you shouldn't be worried about the HOW -- the actions, the steps you'll need to take, how the process is going to work -- do I mean that you should just sit on a log in the woods and meditate all day, expecting things to fall into your lap with no effort on your part? No, I do not mean that. Certainly, it behooves all of us to be as proactive as we can, to take advantage of and act upon opportunities when they present themselves, and to use our skills and talents well so that we can get closer to whatever it is we want to achieve. As my friend and former coach, author Laura Berman Fortgang [waving hand to Laura] has often said, "We must create the circumstances by which 'good luck' can find us", meaning we have to get up off the couch and do our part to the best of our abilities. In other words, overcome the inertia by taking some sort of action, even a small one. If you're wrong, then you're wrong, and you can correct your course later, but do something to help yourself.
However, there comes a point where we can go too far in the "doing" aspects of achieving our goals, and that's the point where we move from being excited and motivated and feeling challenged, to feeling depressed, frantic, stressed and anxious. It's where we cross the line from making reasonable efforts on our own behalf, to trying to force things to go in a certain direction. It's where the HOW becomes an obstacle to your success instead of the roadmap to it.
So as far as the big HOW is concerned, try to relax about it. The answers will come; you don't have to force them. The way will be shown to you; you don't have to beat the bushes to search for it. When you get straight on the WHO and the WHAT, and take appropriate action when it's needed and when it feels like it's the right thing to do (instead of agonizing over the "what ifs") you will be astonished at how things seem to just show up, to fall in your lap. The pieces will fall into place more easily, and you'll be able to take the next step with confidence, and then the next, and the next after that. At certain times, it may not always be clear what the 10th step is when you're on step number 2, but that's where you need to relax and try not to slip into Super-Control-Freak mode.
If I'd waited until I had all the answers worked out before I took the first concrete steps toward moving to Paris, I'd probably still be sitting in my bedroom at my mother's house in New Jersey, single and bored to tears with my life. Instead, I first committed myself emotionally to the WHAT, and I knew that my moving to Paris had everything to do with WHO I wanted to be in my life. Then I took whatever steps I could to at least get myself pointed in the right direction. While at times I did have some agonizing moments over how it was going to happen, or what was going to happen next, I quickly stopped myself from "going there" and refocused on the stuff I could control, like myself and my attitudes. And then one day, the first big part of the HOW sort of just "arrived" in the form of a lead on a great apartment; in fact, two different people sent me the same lead on the same day! I wasn't feeling financially "ready" to take the leap at first, and couldn't figure out HOW the money was going to show up. In short, I was scared. But as soon as I committed myself to the opportunity -- accepting that apartment -- the money part started to work itself out. It's like the Universe dangled that apartment in front of my like a big, ol' Eiffel-Tower-shaped carrot, and waited to see if I was serious enough to bite. Once I bit, the Universe ponied up and did its part, and I was off and running... all the way to Paris.
There were bumps in the road of course, because life is just like that. The first apartment fell through, but I found an even better one. The immigration process wasn't (still isn't and never will be) exactly the "fun part", but I focused on my own attitude during the process and got through it well. The dollar/euro exchange rate was never in my favor and it only got worse the longer I've been here, but I dealt with it.
And we know now how it all worked out.
Whenever people write to ask me HOW did I go about this, I know what they're really looking for is, as Seth says, "the answer". They think I must know something they don't. That I perhaps have an edge they lack. That I'm smarter or more talented or luckier than they are.
I don't. I haven't. And I'm not. At the core, I am really NO DIFFERENT THAN YOU, even if my dream of living in Paris is different than whatever YOUR big dream happens to be. The only "difference" is that I have shifted what I'm focused on and where I'm putting most of my energy. Now that I have achieved my dream of moving to Paris, and as a huge bonus also found the love of my life here, I've got other big dreams I'm working on, and the process remains the same: it's about the WHO and the WHAT first, and the HOW comes second.
You can do the same. You can live your dreams. You can have a different life than the one you have now, if that's what you want. It's entirely possible. But first you have to stop using your obsession with the HOW as your obstacle to achieving what you want.
Just consider this my way of shaking you by the shoulders and screaming: "WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? THIS IS YOUR LIFE YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!"
I say that with love, you know. Because I'm also talking to myself.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*Seth Godin is a marketing guru and author of multiple books. I just like his writing style a lot. You can check him out via his web site, and subscribe to his blog feeds if you're interested.
And don't forget...
Bold Soul Coaching™ is available for any individual who has a big dream and who seeks to get there faster and easier through the process of private coaching by telephone and email. You don't have to go it alone!
And I thought, "YES! That's it exactly!" Seth expressed one of the biggest challenges, as I see it at least, to someone living a bolder life where "something important" (i.e. a big dream) is actually achieved -- instead of simply being endlessly talked-about or wished-for.
I have either personally coached or have otherwise come in contact with many people who get completely stuck on the "HOW?" of whatever challenge, project, dream, crisis or dilemma they're dealing with. And then they get frustrated or depressed because what they want to achieve isn't happening fast enough... or at all. What I mean is, they are afraid to make a move until they can totally figure out, in advance of taking action, exactly HOW they are going to do it, or HOW it is going to happen step-by-step, or HOW they are going to find the right people to join them in doing it, or HOW they are going to feel about it when it happens, or HOW they are going to pay for it. Then, if they can't get all those answers to the HOW sorted out just perfectly, they stop dead in their tracks. They just stop, paralyzed by the fear of making a mistake or a wrong decision. So instead of taking the risk of getting it wrong, they do nothing. They choose INERTIA over BEING, HAVING OR DOING WHAT THEY REALLY WANT.
This occasionally makes me want to take them lovingly by the shoulders, look firmly yet compassionately into their eyes, smile, and then shake the living crap of them, screaming, "WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? THIS IS YOUR LIFE YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!" Seriously, when I talk about the "living crap", I mean it... I want to shake the crap (i.e., their fears, their hang-ups, their excuses for playing small) out of them so they will start LIVING. Because all that is standing in the way of them really living is the crap they have managed to pile up in the form of obstacles, whether real or imagined.
They will claim they are waiting until "something happens"... like maybe they are waiting for divine inspiration or intervention. They are waiting for "a sign", so while they're waiting the only sign they will follow is the one that says "STOP". Or as Seth says so accurately, they are waiting until they have learned enough or until they feel they're "qualified" enough. Whatever this mystical thing is they are waiting for, sometimes they don't even know... then they say "I guess I'll know it when I see it".
Insert heavy sigh here.
"Okay, fine", I would like to say to these people. "It's your life, and you are entitled to do whatever you like with it. And if you want to spend your life playing it safe and being ruled by your fears, that's your right. But then don't complain that you're not happy, not living your dream, or that you've got regrets about what you wanted to do in life but didn't. You can't achieve anything worthwhile in life by playing it safe all the time. Ask anyone you admire who has achieved something really big, and they'll tell you the same."
I understand about the fear and how it can foster that inertia. (Ever see a deer caught in the headlights? Same feeling.) I've been there, in the fearful place of not knowing what the HOW looks like, and I know how it can mess with your head and your self-confidence. I have spent long, sleepless nights agonizing over the HOW. I have shed tears when whatever I was doing to make the HOW happen wasn't working. I, too, have put my dreams on the back burner for long periods of time (even decades) because I couldn't envision, for the life of me, how the hell the HOW was going to work out.
When we are consumed by worrying about the HOW, one of two things is happening. The first possibility is that we are trying too hard to control everything, to stay in control of events, of others or of ourselves, because we fear what might happen if we aren't controlling it all. We are attempting to micro-manage the entire Universe to try and "make it happen" just the way we think it should; then if it doesn't fall into place precisely the way we planned, or according to our preferred time line, we think we're failing. Especially if you come from a culture or society that values the "make it happen" or the "pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" or the "no pain, no gain" approaches to success, as we do in America, it's very easy to fall into this trap of thinking that we MUST control or force everything if we want to succeed.
Yet nothing could be further from the truth. The harder we try to control things or force circumstances to match our vision of what "should" be, the less control we seem to have. We hate the notion that we really can't control much of anything external, but we keep trying anyway, don't we? "Control" is a negative or restrictive force, and any form of negative energy will keep things from moving forward.
The other reason we can get stuck in the HOW is that we're sometimes afraid of what will happen if we actually SUCCEED... so by letting our issues with the HOW get in the way, we give ourselves good excuses (so we think) not to take action or move forward, not to achieve what we really want in life. I know for a fact that I have definitely been guilty of this one in the past, specifically when it came to years of yearning to move to Paris before I finally got around to doing it.
Here is the thing about the HOW, the little secret I finally figured out about it:
The HOW is really none of my damn business to figure out in the first place.
It is not my job to always know every tiny detail of how everything is going to proceed, just as it's not my job to try and control any of it. If I put all my energy into agonizing over the HOW, I am missing the opportunity to live fully because I will end up being too wrapped up in the minutiae instead of being focused on the bigger picture. When I worry about the HOW, I am usually thinking about the past or the future, rather than being in the present moment.
So if I'm not supposed to be so obsessed with the HOW, then what AM I supposed to be doing to achieve my dreams and be who I want to be? The operative words in that sentence are WHAT and WHO. There are two things we do need to focus on when we're trying to accomplish something big in our lives: the WHAT, and the WHO. The WHAT is about being very clear in your vision of what you want to create or attract, the final outcome so to speak. The Universe can't give you what you want if you don't know what it is. So have a clear idea of your destination (the WHAT) and let the Universe take care of the route you'll take to get there (the HOW). And the other part of the equation -- the WHO -- is not about other people. It's about you... how you're feeling about your intended destination, and who you're being while you're on the journey.
I can hear some of you freaking out about all this, this suggestion that you should stop thinking so hard about HOW to do whatever it is you want to do, but relax. When I say you shouldn't be worried about the HOW -- the actions, the steps you'll need to take, how the process is going to work -- do I mean that you should just sit on a log in the woods and meditate all day, expecting things to fall into your lap with no effort on your part? No, I do not mean that. Certainly, it behooves all of us to be as proactive as we can, to take advantage of and act upon opportunities when they present themselves, and to use our skills and talents well so that we can get closer to whatever it is we want to achieve. As my friend and former coach, author Laura Berman Fortgang [waving hand to Laura] has often said, "We must create the circumstances by which 'good luck' can find us", meaning we have to get up off the couch and do our part to the best of our abilities. In other words, overcome the inertia by taking some sort of action, even a small one. If you're wrong, then you're wrong, and you can correct your course later, but do something to help yourself.
However, there comes a point where we can go too far in the "doing" aspects of achieving our goals, and that's the point where we move from being excited and motivated and feeling challenged, to feeling depressed, frantic, stressed and anxious. It's where we cross the line from making reasonable efforts on our own behalf, to trying to force things to go in a certain direction. It's where the HOW becomes an obstacle to your success instead of the roadmap to it.
So as far as the big HOW is concerned, try to relax about it. The answers will come; you don't have to force them. The way will be shown to you; you don't have to beat the bushes to search for it. When you get straight on the WHO and the WHAT, and take appropriate action when it's needed and when it feels like it's the right thing to do (instead of agonizing over the "what ifs") you will be astonished at how things seem to just show up, to fall in your lap. The pieces will fall into place more easily, and you'll be able to take the next step with confidence, and then the next, and the next after that. At certain times, it may not always be clear what the 10th step is when you're on step number 2, but that's where you need to relax and try not to slip into Super-Control-Freak mode.
"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step." -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
If I'd waited until I had all the answers worked out before I took the first concrete steps toward moving to Paris, I'd probably still be sitting in my bedroom at my mother's house in New Jersey, single and bored to tears with my life. Instead, I first committed myself emotionally to the WHAT, and I knew that my moving to Paris had everything to do with WHO I wanted to be in my life. Then I took whatever steps I could to at least get myself pointed in the right direction. While at times I did have some agonizing moments over how it was going to happen, or what was going to happen next, I quickly stopped myself from "going there" and refocused on the stuff I could control, like myself and my attitudes. And then one day, the first big part of the HOW sort of just "arrived" in the form of a lead on a great apartment; in fact, two different people sent me the same lead on the same day! I wasn't feeling financially "ready" to take the leap at first, and couldn't figure out HOW the money was going to show up. In short, I was scared. But as soon as I committed myself to the opportunity -- accepting that apartment -- the money part started to work itself out. It's like the Universe dangled that apartment in front of my like a big, ol' Eiffel-Tower-shaped carrot, and waited to see if I was serious enough to bite. Once I bit, the Universe ponied up and did its part, and I was off and running... all the way to Paris.
There were bumps in the road of course, because life is just like that. The first apartment fell through, but I found an even better one. The immigration process wasn't (still isn't and never will be) exactly the "fun part", but I focused on my own attitude during the process and got through it well. The dollar/euro exchange rate was never in my favor and it only got worse the longer I've been here, but I dealt with it.
And we know now how it all worked out.
Whenever people write to ask me HOW did I go about this, I know what they're really looking for is, as Seth says, "the answer". They think I must know something they don't. That I perhaps have an edge they lack. That I'm smarter or more talented or luckier than they are.
I don't. I haven't. And I'm not. At the core, I am really NO DIFFERENT THAN YOU, even if my dream of living in Paris is different than whatever YOUR big dream happens to be. The only "difference" is that I have shifted what I'm focused on and where I'm putting most of my energy. Now that I have achieved my dream of moving to Paris, and as a huge bonus also found the love of my life here, I've got other big dreams I'm working on, and the process remains the same: it's about the WHO and the WHAT first, and the HOW comes second.
You can do the same. You can live your dreams. You can have a different life than the one you have now, if that's what you want. It's entirely possible. But first you have to stop using your obsession with the HOW as your obstacle to achieving what you want.
Just consider this my way of shaking you by the shoulders and screaming: "WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? THIS IS YOUR LIFE YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!"
I say that with love, you know. Because I'm also talking to myself.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*Seth Godin is a marketing guru and author of multiple books. I just like his writing style a lot. You can check him out via his web site, and subscribe to his blog feeds if you're interested.
And don't forget...
Bold Soul Coaching™ is available for any individual who has a big dream and who seeks to get there faster and easier through the process of private coaching by telephone and email. You don't have to go it alone!
