A week ago today, I didn't know it at the time, but I was meeting a man who is unlike any man I have ever met before. And I do not exaggerate. I stepped off the #89 Paris city bus, found myself looking into the eyes of a man I had never met, and sensing instant mutual recognition. Five minutes later, I was being kissed by someone who was technically a stranger, but someone who I felt I'd already known my whole life, even before we had officially met. Hours later, we were still together, discovering each other, unwilling to be apart. We weren't thinking "love" then, but whatever it was, we were both willing to ride the wave.
At the time, all I could do was marvel at how strange it should feel, but didn't, to be having that kind experience. And it wasn't just about being swept away by physical chemistry (although that was definitely there, right from the start). There was complete mental, intellectual and emotional compatibility, too. "Wow" was all I could think. My brain went into auto-pilot. I was fully aware of where I was, and what I was doing, and it all felt perfectly fine, natural. I had no worries about him, none. I intuitively trusted him, despite having no concrete "evidence" or knowledge about him, and certainly no idea of what would happen later.
Which is a pretty strange thing for me, as someone who has an almost compulsive need to over-analyze new relationships from the get-go. It's always: "What's he thinking? Does he really like me? Is he going to turn out to be one of the good ones? What did he mean by THAT, that thing he just said? Why hasn't he called yet?" On and on, ad nauseum. I am the type who could make a career out of making myself crazy with a new guy... and not crazy in the good way, either. I am a woman who has always felt totally "together" in nearly every other area of her life, except in my ability to find, create and sustain a wonderful, loving relationship with a man.
Until now. Now, I know what I've been missing all this time... you know, for the past 30 years (the amount of time I've been dating, since I was 16).
A week later, here we are. IN LOVE. Yes, in love. With each other. Not one-sided. No games. No tricks. No withholding of information. Totally at ease with each other. Accepting of one other's foibles, imperfections, ways. Completely comfortable, including being comfortable with the fact that there is still a lot we don't know and many things that need to be dealt with before we could have the kind of relationship we really want.
Whether or not either of us set out looking for this 10 days ago when we first connected, this is where we are now. And we are in it. A couple. Whatever that is going to mean.
Logical, caring, well-meaning people I respect have been cautioning me to "be careful" and "don't take it too fast" and "don't forget, you don't really KNOW him yet", even while they are happy for me to have found someone. I appreciate their concern for my welfare, I really do. It is perfectly sensible, what they are saying. And in any other situation, I would be the first to second those words of caution. Outside of "movie-love", where the two lead characters on screen gaze across a room and "know" they are "meant to be", I have been a bit skeptical of that whole bit about "knowing" you have met the right person for you. Love At First Sight, yes, I can believe in that, and have even experienced something like it in the past. But THAT "love" turned out to be fraught with insecurity and anxiety right from the beginning, even though the love was genuine, such as it could be. I wanted that guy, loved that guy, but never felt I knew with certainty that the guy and I were really right for each other.
Now, I know. This is the first time I've ever had this sense of complete confidence in being with someone; the confidence of knowing exactly how he feels, of never having to guess -- because he is constantly telling me, showing me. He is the most emotionally open man I've ever met. We are at a place in just seven days that it can take other people weeks or months to reach, and some of them never do. Even the fact that there is so much to be cleaned up, worked through, and discovered isn't putting either one of us off. I may wonder or worry slightly about certain aspects of what the future might bring, of certain decisions that will have to be faced in time, but I have NO fears about HIM and how he feels about me. None. THAT in itself is a testament to what we already have between us. We can't explain it, and have decided not to try anymore, because there is no "why".
It just IS.
And that is enough for me and My Parisian. Gros bisous, chéri.