Last night, I finally got around to booking my airline tickets back to NJ for a brief visit home. I had been planning to make a trip home in early April, even though it feels like I just GOT here to Paris again, for several reasons:
- Prepare and file my U.S. and state income taxes. Lord knows I don't want the IRS trying to extradite me back to the States for income tax evasion; that would NOT be good!
- For all intents and purposes I am supposed to leave France within 90 days before I can come back again.
- To help my family members, especially my 94-year-old grandmother, ease into this transition of me being physically absent for long periods of time.
Personally, I haven't been what you could call homesick at all. I didn't really expect to be homesick, either; I'm just not that kind of person. Even when I went away to camp as a kid, I never got homesick. In my mind and in my heart, I carry my loved ones with me wherever I go. Since I believe that on a spiritual and energetic level, we are all ONE anyway, I don't feel truly separated from the people I care about. I can call them and email them all the time.
Sure, it's a little sad that sometimes I miss out on things: my niece is in a school play later in April but I won't be there to see it; the timing just isn't going to work out, but it will be the first time I've missed one of her plays or productions and she's SO talented! And sometimes I am doing or seeing things here in Paris that I would LOVE to share with someone back home and I wish they could be here to do it or see it with me.
But this time away on my own has been really good for me in so many ways. I feel like I finally have permission to be myself without other people's expectations hovering over me like carrion circling a victim. I realize that's not a pretty picture, but that's what it's like when you realize you've been trying to live up to what other people think you should do or be, but when that's not really YOU. It's oppressive in the extreme.
Mind you, I'm not blaming others for having expectations; that's just part of human relationships. People don't mean to impress their expectations upon you; they just can't help themselves. People will always tend to see and judge the world through the filter of their own needs, wants and experiences, and it's difficult for most people to take a step back and understand that other people's needs and wants may be very different from their own.
I've finally accepted it: I'm the odd one out in my family. Not the black sheep, exactly, but I AM the one who thinks differently, behaves differently, and wants very different things for my life. I've always felt this to be true, but the problem was I craved their acceptance and spent years either trying to be what they wanted or wishing for them to celebrate who I am despite the differences... and they can't really seem to do that, not 100% anyway.
Even now, I know they've accepted my decision to live abroad but they're still not entirely happy about it. Deep down, I think they just don't understand WHY I needed to do this, and nothing I can say will make them understand or see it my way. But I know they love me and care about me, just as I love and care about them, even though we're very different. So being homeward bound will be something to look forward to. Seeing them, spending time with them, participating with them; that's part of being in a family.
At the same time, I can't help thinking: "New Jersey -- nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there". Not because it's not a nice place to live, but because I've already been there and done that to the Nth degree, until there is nothing new or exciting to experience anymore.
And that's what I need: new experiences. It's the way I'm wired; I love change and variety, meeting new people, going new places, trying new things. I still have old habits to break: a tendency to hole up at home out of habit or laziness when I could be out doing something; and I don't always take care of myself the way I should. But already, after just a few months, I'm feeling like Paris is becoming home, a place where I can't wait to come back to, and where the REAL me is finally emerging.
And I'm very happy to make her acquaintance.
