To "Ex" or not to "Ex", THAT is the question

Attention, all you Singles out there, I want to put a general question out into the blogosphere by way of an unofficial poll. What is the strangest experience you have ever had with an "ex" getting back in touch with you after you've split up?

The reason I ask this question is that I very recently discovered that one of my ex-boyfriends has been lurking here on my blog since May, under an assumed identity, with a fake email address. And I find it more than a little strange that this guy would hang around my blog after we've had no contact whatsoever (at his request ) for about 6 years.

Here's the Reader's Digest synopsis of my history with this person. We met online in 1995 (yes, 10 years ago). We dated for a bit over a year; broke up for reasons I won't go into now but which were probably for the best in the long run; we sort of kept hanging around each other for a long time after that with a very on-again-off-again thing. During the on/off phase he hooked up with someone online who lived on the other side of the country and got involved with her. Eventually, he decided to move west, which was probably a very good thing for him AND for me. For a short time after that we kept in touch a bit, trying to "be friends".

Until one day he requested that I not contact him anymore. I won't say I wasn't a bit put out by that especially after he had long maintained the position that he really wanted to be friends, and we had initiated contact equally up until that time. But, he had a right to move on and I was fine with it. That was the last I heard of him.

Until last week. I have been receiving the occasional comment here on the blog from someone who was clearly not using his or her real name or email address, but since many people blog anonymously and the comments were appropriate and "clean", I thought nothing of it. That is, until the comments started to indicate that this person knew things about me on a personal level, things that were not discussed here on the blog. It was subtle, it was sneaky, and it was sort of like a "code" or a game - all of which was this person's basic M.O. when we were dating. He loves games and loves a bit of intrigue. He hinted at things in his blog posts exactly the way he did when we first met, and I know him well enough to be able to visualize him sitting at his computer with a grin, wondering "How long will it take her to figure it out?" It wasn't hard to put the pieces together and realize: Oh. My. God. What's HE doing here?

For the record I should mention that I have no bad feelings or ill will towards this man, and short of idly wondering "whatever happened to so-and-so", the way we all do with our exes, I feel very comfortable with the idea of this person having been in my past but rarely think much about him or our past relationship. We had fun and I have some good memories, but looking back I know it would never have worked out in the long run. He was a significant person in my life then, but that part of my life is long over and done with; in fact, if we met today I don't think I'd even been attracted to him or interested in a relationship with him because I'm a very different person than who I was a decade ago. He's a good guy but I don't think he'd fit into my vision for my life now; and I suspect I wouldn't fit into his vision, either.

When I first became aware he was posting here, I wondered "what on earth could he possibly WANT?" To be honest, I wasn't sure how I felt about all this. It's a free bloggin' country and he can look at any blog he likes. He's not being rude or disruptive or inappropriate, so I've even posted his comments all along (I do moderate all comments). Part of me was mildly amused at his little game-playing because it seems so typical of the way he thinks, and another part of me was downright pissed off at it: if he had something to say or wanted to connect with me, why wouldn't he just email me like a normal person? Why resort to playing little games?

I've had other exes contact me after the relationship crashed and burned, so this isn't my first experience with this sort of thing. In addition to the blog-lurker, the most classic ex-ample was a guy I dated back in 1992 (let's call him F.A. for Functional Alcoholic because he always seemed to have a glass in his hand, with ice clinking).  F.A. married the next woman he dated after me, and then proceeded to start contacting me off and on over the years (yeah, I think we all know what HE wanted!) F.A. was persistent. He contacted me:

• even after I told him, "I am involved with someone else so don't bother calling me because I'm happy and you're married";
• even after he decided to upgrade his "bad marriage" to "bad marriage with two children" and I told him, "Don't bother calling me ever again because you're married with kids";
• and even after he "found Jesus" (that last contact was hilarious because he was trying to save my soul rather than trying to get something going on the side) and I told him, "Don't bother calling me again because God and I are just fine and I don't need saving from YOU, you big married hypocrite".

To make the situation even more bizaare, at some point after he got married, F.A. and his wife ended up moving to the town I grew up in, where my mother still lives, and if you connect the dots from past posts you may recall that I am currently living AT my mother's while I prepare to move to Paris -- so I am now living in the same town as the F.A. ex. And for some added amusement, he goes to my mother's church (where he once spotted me on Christmas eve several years ago, precipitating that last "have you found Jesus yet" contact from him). My mother, BTW, does not know him or deal with him; and oddly enough I have not yet bumped into him at the supermarket or Home Depot in the year I have lived here but suspect it may only be a matter of time.

The Internet is a wonderful thing where you can find anything you need, but the downside is that Google does such a great job that you can pretty much find anyone if they've ever had a website, blog, or even been mentioned somewhere. So your exes can look you up any time they feel like it. (In the old days, you'd have had to hire a private detective, which was cost prohibitive for most people.)

So what's the etiquette for this situation? What do you do when an ex gets in touch again after a long absence? Can you really be just "friends"? I'm sure there are people who can develop a friendship with an ex, but it requires a certain maturity and honesty, as well as a comfort level and trust between each of the exes and their significant others.

As far as Mr. Blog-Lurker, I've had a few days to consider what I think and what I want to do about it. Since he hasn't seen fit to post with his real email address or contact me via my listed email address (COWARD!) I can't exactly contact him directly. I can't really stop him from posting although I do have the ability to block IP addresses - but that seems unnecessary and petty, not to mention a lot of extra work for ME.

What I've finally come down to is this. I simply do not want to use my blog to have 1-on-1 personal dialogues with anyone; that's the blog equivalent of standing in the middle of a group of people who are interested in getting to know you, but you focus all your attention on one person only. It's just plain rude.

So I have decided that I will reserve the right NOT to post any more of this person's anonymous comments, even though they are not malicious, x-rated or in any way inappropriate to the topic; it's simply because it would now feel more like a private conversation than a blog. And there are better ways to connect with me if someone wanted to do so.

And because I know he will be reading this, and because I prefer to get to the point rather than playing games, I will take the liberty of including a personal message here, just this once, to my ex:

"Dear D.E.F.:

I don't know why you decided to lurk here, although I suspect you are most likely feeling bored with some aspect of your life and felt the need to play a little game to amuse yourself. The problem is, I no longer have the desire to play. Of course, you are welcome to read the blog and comment like everyone else, but I would prefer that your comments be general in nature (in which case I will gladly post them) and not "encoded with clues" to get my attention (in which case they will never see the light of day).

You once asked me not to contact you anymore, and I respected your request. If there is something you now wish to say to me directly, you can figure out how best to do that. But the blog game ends here because from where I sit, there is no real purpose to it, and I hope you will understand and respect what I'm asking. I wish you only good things. Be well, be happy. And goodbye."

And to anyone out there who has an ex who won't stay exed, all I can say is, before you allow yourself to get sucked into your memories of the past, think about who you are NOW and where you are in your life now and whether or not that person would fit in with your vision for the life you want. There are all kinds of good reasons why exes reunite, and sometimes they even do so very successfully. I'm not here to pass judgment on anyone who has been blessed enough to have a happy reunion with an ex. But for the rest of us, let's hold ourselves to a higher standard, and expect MORE of ourselves and of the people in whom we invest our emotional energy. You and I have a right to have someone in our lives who doesn't need to play games; yank our chains or pull our legs; make us crazy or make us doubt ourselves. Only when we expect better will we GET better. Being in a committed relationship takes a lot of hard work; but getting there shouldn't be an exercise in frustration and games-playing. Life is too short, don't "waste the pretty".

In the words of Fussy.org:

"Writing well is the best revenge."
(Get your T-Shirts here.)

Comments

[Francaise de Coeur]

One of mine (who no longer knew how to contact me) used to go over to my parents' house, stand in the flower bed, look into my old bedroom window and PISS on my mom's bushes.

My parents thought something weird must be going on because all the bushes died in that spot, so they finally caught him in the act.

I know it's not QUITE the same thing - as he didn't contact me (although he was trying to) - so I can definitely relate on the "weirdness" factor.

Incidentally, that was something I considered when registering my domain name. It's not exactly that I feel that I have to "conceal" my identity on my blog, but I've definitely had my share of stalkers over the years (two INSANE ones in addition to the crazed ex mentioned above), and sometimes it gets downright scary.

Yours doesn't sound TOO scary...maybe just bored, as you said?

[Lisa, The Bold Soul]

Too funny, Coeur... your poor parents (and their poor shrubs!) I've been fortunate to never have had a real stalker, thank God. I know women who've had that and it's a nightmare, including one client for whom I recently built a web site. It took me a lot to convince her she needed to list a phone number and email address on her site since she is in a business and people need to be able to contact her; but I helped her figure out ways to do that without giving away her actual location so she could protect herself from her crazed ex.

"A girl child ain't safe in a family of men." - from The Color Purple by Alice Walker

[Anne]

Hi lisa,
I linked to you from your comments on petite anglaise. When are you moving to Paris? I moved here 6 weeks ago. Paris is gorgeous at the moment, all swirling winds and crisp leaves.
Have a good journey!

[maria]

Oh brother! Sounds like somebody has entirely too much time on his hands and needs to get a life ... and should really let you get on with your wonderful life instead of playing cute games, because let me tell you girlfriend ... you are so doing totally fine without him. I can't believe you gave him this much ink, really ... but, it sure was fun to read anyway.

Oh, exes, yes ... fun topic. To focus on the positive, though, I dated someone who lived in Toronto for a year. We flew up or down for weekends every 6-8 weeks. We were great on the phone, but when we got together in person, something didn't quite click though, and so after a year of trying, we sadly agreed to end the relationship, but we stayed in casual touch by phone and email as there was still a warm bond ... and somehow, although he since moved back to B.C. about six years ago and we communicate pretty much only by phone, we have become the most wonderful friends over the years ... and it's been 10 years already ... wow, even I'm surprised at that as I write this ... 1 year of a long-distance relationship, and 9 years of friendship. We maybe see each other every 2-3 years. The last time, I took Ryan out there with me and we met his girlfriend and had a wonderful time. We have also helped each other through a lot of emotional roller coasters over the years with other relationships, career turmoil, financial stress, health scares, etc. I don't have a brother, but I would say if I were to imagine having a brother, that's how we would get along. So, it can be done, and it can be wonderful, but I do think it works best when there is physical distance and when both people are in really strong agreement as far as what the nature of the relationship is and where the boundaries are. We both agree the friendship's been the best thing to come out of our meeting. I think my experience is very rare, though, so I've been quite lucky.

[Kerstin]

Hi Lisa,

I have a story or two to tell from 5 years of online dating ... like the whacky Canadian musician who walked around the streets holding my hand while wearing a jester's hat with little bells attached to it that jingled away happily; or the British ex who went back online while we were still together and I had a hunch about it and hacked into his account to find he was telling other women that he hadn't dated anyone in a year when in fact he'd had a full blown relationship with me! What amazed me about that last one was the low level I allowed myself to sink to when I read his private messages. But luckily I have no reports on any stalkers creeping me out.

I really hope that Mr Blog-Lurker owns up after reading your post and then either leaves you alone or makes peace with whatever is (still) on his mind.

Take care, Kerstin

[Lisa, The Bold Soul]

Like I said, it's definitely possible to create a good relationship with an ex.
Most times, sadly, things don't turn out as well as they did for Maria. But it's sure nice to know some couples can make the transition from ex to friend - for REAL.

[Narelle]

That told him! But do you think he'll get the message? hmmm..I somehow doubt it.

Glad to see your coming to my town. The weather in Paris is becoming increasingly better each day. I'm another 40 something enjoying my new life here to the fullest.

If your interested, send me an email after your settled in.

A bientôt et bon chance!