The Bold Soul

Making the best of it

So I'm still here at the family ranch (house) in New Jersey, until Sunday afternoon when the car arrives to take me to the airport -- and home to my wonderful husband and kids. I'm really glad I came back to help my mom and to see for myself that she is doing better than I could have hoped, even though she won't be driving again for at least a month and she's still dealing with a fair amount of pain. But she'll have my sister nearby to help out with cleaning, laundry and food shopping, and there's a physical therapist and home health aide who will also come until she can drive, so she's got lots of support. Thank you all for your good wishes and thoughts for my mother's recovery; they must have worked because right now I hear her out in the kitchen preparing her own breakfast and she couldn't do that when I first got here!

I admit that I really had mixed feelings about making this trip. Of course I was happy to be here for my mom and to give my sister a break for a while, but this trip was unplanned and therefore a disruption in my life. For one thing, I hated the idea of being away from Georges for such a long time, and that part hasn't been easy although a once or twice-daily Skype session helps. I will never like being away from my husband, even though sometimes it's necessary and perhaps even good for us to be briefly separated -- so that we can have the fun of reuniting again!

For another thing, I was concerned the trip would really prevent me from getting any serious work done on my SSP*, not to mention several client projects already in progress. Fortunately, being in Boring-town, NJ has actually been a little bit of an advantage because other than taking care of mom and doing a little local shopping, there is nothing else for me to do BUT work. So I've made some good progress on the SSP, finished one client project and made progress on another, all in the past week. Sometimes an enforced isolation is exactly what we need to get anything done!

My attitude this week has been "making the best of it". Sometimes things happen in life that we wouldn't necessarily choose if it were left up to us, but we have to cope with it and go forward. And in so doing, we have two choices: to be miserable about it and complain about it every step of the way, or to make the best of it and do our best in spite of the way things are. I always choose the latter, because not only does it give me more peace of mind but also because I generally accomplish more with that attitude than if I were sitting around feeling sorry for myself.

I was telling a coaching client, just the other day, that we always have the option of choosing how to feel about things. This came as a bit of a surprise to her at first, but she quickly saw what I was talking about. We are generally pre-conditioned to think that our emotions are things that just HAPPEN to us, and we have little control over our feelings. This isn't true. We have much more control than we think, and in fact the ONLY things we can really control in our lives are our own choices -- including choosing how to feel. So when something happens in your life that you wished hadn't happened, you can't change the event itself or the reactions of the other people involved, but you CAN decide for yourself how to feel and how to react.

And it is our choices which define us, more than anything else. So when a coworker at work ignores you or is rude to you, and you feel hurt, angry or insulted... you don't HAVE to feel that way. You have the choice to look at the other person and realize that their behavior says more about them and their state of mind than it says about you, and you can walk away and let it go. It's a choice to feel badly about it. When a pickpocket cleaned me out by stealing my wallet in Paris in 2001, I had a choice, too: panic and get hysterical and angry -- which would serve no useful purpose and wouldn't get me my wallet back -- or be calm and just deal with the aftermath. I chose the latter and everything turned out fine in the end and my 40th birthday trip wasn't ruined.

So when I knew I had to come back here, I knew what it would mean to my daily life, and although I wasn't thrilled about the disruption, I decided that what I could do was make the best of it and be happy anyway. If I had come here feeling resentful or stressed out, the week would have been a disaster and it wouldn't have helped my mom much to have me grumping around the house (she's been doing enough of that for both of us, but she's sort of got a good excuse right now: pain!) My work would have suffered, too, had I been sitting around here feeling sorry for myself because I miss Georges and because I hadn't been planning on a trip back so soon after my last one.

Before coming here, I had no idea what to expect in terms of my mother's health and how well she might be feeling or coping with pain and with getting around the house, so I had to be prepared for anything -- since that was the part I couldn't control. Choosing how I wanted to feel -- happy, at peace with the situation, and productive -- in advance of coming here helped me keep my emotional equilibrium and gave me a much better experience this week than I would have had otherwise. I took control over the one thing I COULD control -- ME! -- and let the rest unfold naturally without resisting it.

If you have never thought about being able to choose your emotions and feelings, think about it now. Is there something going on in your life right now that you're feeling badly about (angry, sad, frustrated, scared) where, if you were able to shift your feelings to something more positive, it would make a huge difference in how you are experiencing the event itself? Remember: we can't change events once they've happened, all we can change is how we feel and react to said events. So how would shifting your feelings and reaction change the outcome for you? How would it help if you were simply to make the best of it?

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*If you like articles like this one, please join my new eZine mailing list! The eZine is free and is called "The Exception™" and will be focused on helping you boldly create the life you want. This is, of course, all a part of my Secret Summer Project which will launch in late August-early September, and those of you who are BOLD enough to sign up for the ezine in advance of the launch will receive a special Thank You gift in your email come the official launch date!

Sign up here:

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P.S. I will never, and I mean NEVER, give away or sell your email address to anyone. Period.

Summer Secrets

Summer is now officially here (or very nearly, depending on what day you're reading this) -- although you might not notice it if you're in Paris because the weather has been cool and unpredictable as usual. Still, summer is summer and I'm getting into the summertime frame of mind. Our three kids are doing the usual end-of-year stuff like finishing special projects (the oldest), taking very important exams (the girl), and participating in year-end events like a school play (un spectacle as it's called here) for which we are making things like a crown and sabre (the Little Guy is playing a prince). Then it's summer vacances for two months for the kids -- and all three are going different places and doing different things -- and a mix of work, family and vacations for us, as well. Plus our first wedding anniversary falls on July 12th -- but then we treat every day like it's a special romantic day (we are, however, making a weekend pilgrammage to Melon Beach to celebrate where it all began).

I look forward to summer for two reasons, neither of which has to do with the urge to bake myself on a beach even though I love being sea-side. First, I love the relaxed feeling I get in the summer months, and who doesn't need to feel more relaxed, right? But mainly I like summer because I get VERY creative in the summer months. It's like the summer brings out the innovator in me, the true entrepreneur. I start getting ideas for special projects, for new ways to reach out to more people and perhaps make a difference in someone's life. Eventually, I narrow it down to one special summer project, something that excites and motivates me, which I then work on steadily and SECRETLY throughout July and August, preparing to let "it" break free in September (or October at the latest). Maybe it's that "back to school" thing but September has always felt like a time for a fresh start, even more so than the 1st of January.

So I'm excited at the arrival of summer because this year, I've got a whopper of an idea for a project, and it's my biggest, best and most innovative idea yet! I am itching to dig in and get started, because I have long wanted to do something on this level, to find a way to reach out to more people and be of service by using what I know and what I have to share -- and now I have the perfect opportunity, plan and strategy to do exactly that!

Are you cringing at the thought of taking on a a "project" for the summer? You might believe that a Secret Summer Project could end up being just another stress-filled item on your "To Do" list, when summer is the time when you want to take time OFF from the pressure of the To-Do's. But actually it's quite the opposite. When you are working on something or towards something that excites, energizes and inspires you, it doesn't feel like work at all. In fact, you often can't wait until you've got some time to work on it! Of course, it's important to take breaks from your regular work/life routine; your kids might be off school and you need to spend time with your family, and you need to recharge your own batteries with a bit of down-time. But it's the break from routine that can free up your mind to go in new directions. Just as you sometimes get your best ideas or solutions to problems while your brain is relaxed from sleeping, so you can find inspiration for your special project while hiking in the mountains, visiting a far-off land you've always dreamed about, or even sitting on the deck by the pool in your own backyard.

The secrecy part of this project is important because when you're up to something new, different and BIG, it's never a good idea to tell too many people. Number one, someone might steal your idea; sad, but true. Number two, although it's good to tell maybe one or two people whom you know you can trust to be unconditionally supportive of you (I've told Georges and just two others besides), beyond that if you tell too many people you'll get the Negative Nellies hovering around you, telling you why your idea is bad or wrong or stupid or won't work. And who needs THAT? Better to keep it close to the vest until you're ready to go public with it.

And this year, my secret summer project is probably the biggest thing I've ever contemplated doing as a solopreneur. It will require, on my part, an investment of my ideas, my creative energy, and every ounce of faith I've got to pull it off. I can't say much at the moment about the details other than to say that what inspired me was YOU. You, the Bold Soul readers who have written to me and commented so often to let me know that what I've done/am doing has been inspiring to you in some way. I have been moved and humbled by your stories and it's made me want to do more to help other people live more boldly and create the kind of lives or careers or businesses they really want.

So for the moment, all I can say is my Secret Summer Project is well underway and I'm so excited I can't see straight sometimes! When it's ready to roll there will be a major announcement here, but if you want more frequent progress reports on how it's going (and some sneek previews perhaps?), I will be posting those via Twitter or my Facebook Fan* page so sign up on one or the other (or both!) to get the SECRET inside scoop!

Meanwhile, let me float this question for all of you: What will YOUR Secret Summer Project be this year? What will inspire you? What will motivate you to change something in your life? What do you need to clear out, let go of once and for all, or start doing on a regular basis that will dramatically shift something in your life, relationships, job or business by September 1st? What will make you feel lighter, healthier, more at peace, more energized, happier with who you are? What will allow you to finally BE the bold soul you KNOW you're destined to be?

Whatever the answer is? THAT is your Secret Summer Project. So stop putting it off and hiding behind your "to do" list and all the little things you tell yourself are so important. What's more important than being your best self? Go do it!

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*Although I really appreciate Facebook Friend requests, I reserve my "friend" page for personal communications with people in my private life, and the "fan" page is for staying connected to blog readers and fans of my writing and coaching work. So if you ask to "friend" me on Facebook, I'll be happy to redirect you to the Fan page instead.

What a difference a year makes

As is now a habit with me, I like to take time out to reflect each year, just before my birthday, on what the past year was like and what may (or may not) have changed. It's sort of like taking annual inventory and I nearly always come away feeling pretty good about myself because while there are the inevitable things I didn't get done (as in Nobody's Perfect), in the balance I usually come out ahead.

And like this time last year, I am once again a bit stunned with how radically my life has changed. One year ago I had been engaged to Georges for just a month and I was in full-out wedding-planning mode. The kids and I were still getting used to each other, but it was going well. Clachat and I were not on good terms, however... and there's one area where I see some big progress over the past year, in that now she seeks me out for attention and she seems to have decided that I'm The One who makes her life better. She now tries to climb into my lap even when, or perhaps especially when, I have my laptop there. (I still wish we could have found her a good home, however, as Cat Keeper is not something I wanted to sign up for. And sometimes she still scratches or bites me, which does not endear her to me.)

We are now less than two months away from celebrating our first wedding anniversary... and another big twist was our decision at the end of 2008 that we want to try for a baby. THAT was definitely something neither one of us saw coming, something that took us both by surprise -- the desire for another child in our lives. The stress of wedding planning has been replaced with the emotional roller coaster of "Am I or am I not?" every month... and we're still on that roller coaster and may be there for many months to come.

My work has had its ups and downs. The economy is not necessarily kind to freelancers and although work does continue to show up now and again, I've noticed a definite drop off in potential clients. I guess if you're worried about making ends meet, the last thing on your priority list will be paying a ghostwriter to write your memoirs or edit your manuscript. But I've gotten back into some life coaching and that plus the odd web design project has helped keep some cash flowing in my business.

I did finally start my own book, having written the better part of the first two chapters. Although two chapters does not a book make, it's a solid starting point and feels much better than saying, "I'm GOING to write a book... when I get around to it".

One thing that continues to be a challenge in my life is health and fitness. I came to Paris in 2006 having lost 30 lbs. and hoping that the change in lifestyle would help make it easier for me to take some more weight off while maintaining my new lower weight. And for a while, it seemed to be working. However in the past six months I have seen a steady shift in the wrong direction and my clothes are tighter and the numbers on the scale don't lie. I haven't gained back all the weight I had lost, but I've gained back more than enough, and I'm feeling it in my energy level, as well as in how tight my jeans are. I am in the process of figuring out what I want to do about this, because I know that dieting, as we know it in the U.S., doesn't really work and that what I really need is a shift in my mind-set before I can make the healthy changes I need to make. And I've had some challenges with physical activity because of some severe pain in both my feet (I have a referral to a podiatrist to see about that) so I haven't even been able to schedule much walking into my week other than what is strictly necessary. But I am not giving up, despite the fact that my weight has been a life-long sore spot with me. Suffice to say that when I'm 50 in two years, I want to be my healthiest and fittest ever. I think two years is a reasonable time-frame in which to make that happen, especially if a baby should happen to come into our lives during the next year.

Clearly, there are things I want to accomplish this year: better health and fitness, a bestselling book, and of course a B-A-B-Y. So there is work to be done. But at the same time I am so grateful for the past year and what it has brought into my life... even the stuff that has been hard, mainly all the transitional things that have gone along with settling into daily life here like the language, French bureaucracy, and some bumps in the road with the older kids that now seem to have eased up. Although I am not so much looking forward to turning 48, I am optimistic about the abundance of good things in my life and what the future will bring. I have so much love in my life now, because of Georges and his children. I have my plans for the future, which are very exciting to me. And yesterday, the Little Guy gave me an early "birthday present". I was explaining to him that my birthday was on Tuesday, that I would be 48, and that I wasn't so happy about it because it means I am very nearly 50.

And he said, "Yes, but you have TWO WHOLE YEARS.... PLUS TWO WHOLE DAYS before you have to be 50!" Now that's what I call putting a positive spin on things. I thanked him for throwing in the extra two days... every little bit helps.

Grace

A little something to start your week off with a smile:

Il Divo - Amazing Grace / RUS from ILDIVORUS on Vimeo.

Thought you might need this on your Monday morning as much as I did. Sent to me courtesy of my mother back in New Jersey; she says it's her favorite hymn, and although I'm not a church-person I have to agree with her -- and now Il Divo's is my favorite rendition.

Wishing you peace -- and amazing grace -- as you go through your week, whatever you're doing and wherever you find yourself.

The right way to age

I love this story, about a woman who is celebrating either her 108th or 111th birthday, but she doesn't remember which it is due to some confusion in the record-keeping. And I guess at her age, a 3-year gap doesn't make one iota of difference anyway.

Which got me thinking... how convenient that would be to just "not remember" one's exact age, especially when one will be within spitting distance of 50 on her upcoming birthday in May.

So from now on when someone asks me how old I am, I am going to say, very coyly, "Well, I'm either 28 or 48, but I can't remember which".

The hell with shaving off three years. Why not shave off a couple of decades?

Happy Birthday, Miss Mattie, and thanks for the great tip!

Four Years and Counting

Today, the Bold Soul is 4 years old!

It is hard to get my brain wrapped around that: I've been writing and producing this blog for FOUR YEARS. And that in doing so, I managed to achieve and even exceed my wildest dreams.

When I started, it was more as an exercise in writing more regularly and also to explore just what, exactly, this blogging stuff was all about, as I had a few friends who were less technically trained than I who had already jumped into the blogosphere with both feet. I felt I might be left behind if I didn't check it out, and so began my first blog entry.

It didn't take long for my blog to find it's true focus and purpose: as a means of keeping me on track toward my goal of moving to Paris. During Year 1 of The Bold Soul, that's what I tried to write about: my desire to move to Paris and why I wanted to do it; what I was doing both physically and emotionally to prepare myself for it; the challenges I was meeting in achieving what I wanted. I wrote about other things going on in my life as well: family, friends and occasionally work.

A bit more than halfway through Year 2, after much frustration with "WHY IS IT TAKING SO LONG?", it finally happened. I got an opportunity to move with the offer of a place to stay. There were still challenges to be met and overcome, but on November 10th, 2006, I arrived with suitcases in hand. And my life began anew.

Year 3 was my dream-come-true-year. I explored Paris, alone or with visiting friends. I made new friends here. I traveled outside of Paris, in part for some research for a future book based on my grandmother's similar travels in 1956. I also helped that same grandmother make her transition into whatever happens next when our souls leave our bodies, and she passed away peacefully on December 28th, 2007.

Oh... and by the way, that was the year in which I met Georges. 

Meeting Georges happened at a time when I really wasn't sure what my next move was. Should I stay in Paris? Could I even afford to stay, the economy and exchange rates being what they were and getting worse all the time? Did I really want to live here long-term, or could I be satisfied with just having spent the better part of a year or so there? I didn't have the answers as October rolled around but I knew one thing: I wasn't ready to leave Paris YET.

I met Georges just days later... and I had my answer.

 So Year 4 for the Bold Soul was about Love... REAL Love. The "He's DEFINITELY Into Me!" kind of love. And it was also about being part of a couple. Living together. Getting engaged. Getting married. Getting established in a new country "for keeps". And becoming a step-mother. Oh, yeah... and slave to a cat (that one I could have done without, but sometimes life gives you special challenges to conquer).

Now as Year 5 begins, what's next for this Bold Soul? Well, I wish I had a crystal ball, but I don't. I have a few projects in the works, both personally and professionally, and we'll see how those turn out... and if they do, then you'll be hearing more about them. I do know that I am still "in transition" with my life here. I continue to have challenges related to not having fully mastered the French language. I have things to deal with for immigration (such as my final mandatory all-day "civics" seminar this Friday). We are planning to do some traveling and hopefully take our real honeymoon to... Venice, perhaps?

What I know for sure is this: I love writing this blog. And I don't plan to stop doing it any time soon. It has not only served it's original purpose but it's given me so much more. At nearly 1,300 posts and over 3,500 comments, I think it's safe to say it's given you something, too. What more could I ask for from something that started out as a writing exercise?

So, it's a happy day today, and I am truly grateful. And I thank all of you, the Bold Soul readers, for helping me make it possible to be here as I enter my 5th year of blogging. Let's celebrate and share the happiness with Barbra and Judy, shall we?

(Or perhaps you prefer the solo versions. Didn't Judy have great legs for a little woman? And Babs looks so elegant in that up-do.)

Bienvenue à l'Année 5, mes amis!

Passing it on again

I know I keep passing on these (hopefully inspirational) words that keep coming to me from other sources, but when I see something good I just want to share it. Another tap on the shoulder, figuratively speaking, came today from a daily newsletter by Neale Donald Walsch, author of the Conversations with God series of books. Here are the sections of his post that called to me today:

"... A different tomorrow awaits. Nothing is going to be the way it was before... all of it is changing... and going to continue to change. The only question remaining: Will you be part author of those continuing changes, or merely one who is impacted by them?"

Wow. Think about that for a moment. Are you the author of your own life, or just reading along with a story you believe someone else has written for you? Are you the driver of your own destiny, or just a passenger waiting for someone else to be your chauffeur? Are you the memorable leading man/lady in the movie that is your life, or a forgettable supporting player?

I know which one I'd rather be. How about you?

Why is it that we know we'd rather be the former -- the author, the driver, the lead -- but we often choose to take a back seat in our own lives? I think Marianne Williamson sums it up perfectly:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine... And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

I try to keep this in mind whenever I'm tempted to "play small" because it feels safer or more comfortable to do so. Not only does playing small not serve ME well, it's not helping the rest of the world either. A lot of us often feel we want to contribute to the world in some big way. We want to solve the world's problems, or at least do our part. So we look outside of ourselves for opportunities to do exactly that. And that's fine, by all means if you've got skills, time, money and energy, you should give what you've got to help make someone else's life easier or better or safer or healthier.

But I have worked with a lot of people who, when I ask them what they want to "be when they grow up" or what their passion is, reply that they want to do something "meaningful" with their lives. And they imagine that they have to be Mother Teresa in order for that to happen. So that's when I tell them that what they REALLY need to be focused on is saving themselves before they try to go out and save the world.

Williamson's words really speak to this, I think. This idea that we simply need to work on living fully in our own lives, on using our gifts to the best of our ability, and to stop dumbing ourselves down so that other people won't be shocked or hurt or offended by our brilliance... and when we do THAT, the world automatically becomes a better place. Plus, we have the added bonus of being an inspiration to someone else who really needs it. So you don't need to be the next Mother Teresa in order for your life to be meaningful and in order for you to make a contribution to others.

For years, I used to dream about writing a book, and during those same years I was completely stuck on what to write about. Why? Because as a life coach, I thought I "should" be writing a book that would create the next big spiritual or self-help movement (or something equally grandiose). I thought if I didn't do that, then I wasn't using my writing ability in the "right" way.

Then one day I had a thought: what if I just wrote something that was entertaining to people? What was wrong with THAT? Didn't people need to be entertained as well as enlightened? Couldn't I make an impact in that way, and have it be just as meaningful as if I were the next Dr. Phil? It was absolutely liberating for me to shift my thinking in this way, both as a writer and as a human being who wants to know she lived her life fully with no regrets. Once I stopped trying to pigeon-hole myself as a writer, I came up with all kinds of great ideas I could write about.

And I even started a blog that people tell me is both entertaining AND inspirational. Can't get much better than that!

Doesn't it put "living your dream" in a whole new context? It's NOT a selfish thing to do, to focus on living your own dream and make your life the best it can be, BEFORE you focus on saving the rest of the world. In fact, it's sort of like we owe it to the world to live well, live happily, live brilliantly and SHINE like we've never shined before.

So throw off that bushel basket you've been hiding under, and let the light out!

See? It's not just me. They're everywhere.

More real-life stories of bold souls making big leaps... even with the bad economic conditions!

Which just goes to prove that if we want something badly enough, we will (a) get extremely creative in figuring out how to get it or do it, (b) be the most tenacious we've ever been in our lives, not giving up no matter what the obstacles -- if there's a roadblock, we just figure out how to go around it, over it or through it, (c) we have to be willing to take some sort of a risk today if we want to "win" big tomorrow, and (d) we have the power to create/choose our own opportunities and our own "luck".

Remember what I said the other day, how once you choose (instead of waiting around for "something to happen") and make the strong commitment to following your dream (coupled with some initial decisive action in the right direction), things will begin to fall into place almost on their own? Here's a quote from the article:

"All the careful planning, though, didn't remove his fear, Rhim says. But he discovered something remarkable. Once he committed to leaving, doors suddenly opened for him: People materialized to help him and amazing coincidences led to business opportunities."

Inspiration is everywhere around us.

Another kick in the butt... just in case YOU needed one, too

I never know where the next nudge from the Universe will come. Tonight I was basically goofing off, wasting time playing some harmless computer game when I probably should have been doing something a bit more productive -- like WRITING MY BOOK MAYBE? -- and listening to a little Crosby, Stills and Nash on my iPod (I love to sing the harmonies!) and my favorite track on Daylight Again came on.

Listen -- and I mean REALLY listen -- to the words:

Because if that's not the Universe trying to tell us something, I don't know what is. Or maybe it's just me.

Wasted on the Way, by Crosby Stills and Nash
(Words & music by Graham Nash)

Look around me
I can see my life before me
Running rings around the way
It used to be

I am older now
I have more than what I wanted
But I wish that I had started
Long before I did

Chorus
And there's so much time to make up
Everywhere you turn
Time we have wasted on the way

So much water moving
Underneath the bridge
Let the water come and carry us away

Oh when you were young
Did you question all the answers
Did you envy all the dancers
Who had all the nerve

Look around you NOW
You must go for what you wanted
Look at all my friends who did and got what they deserved

Chorus
So much time to make up
Everywhere you turn
Time we have wasted on the way

So much water moving
Underneath the bridge
Let the water come and carry us away

So much love to make up
Everywhere you turn
Love we have wasted on the way

So much water moving
Underneath the bridge
Let the water come and carry us away

Let the water come and carry us away

The "how" is not your concern. So don't let it be your obstacle.

I subscribe to just a few email newsletters, even though I know there are lots of good ones out there, mainly because I don't have a lot of free time to read through the extra email, and sometimes I don't even have the time to read the ones I do subscribe to. But then, there are the days -- like yesterday -- where I do take the time to read and I'm instantly glad I did, because something jumps out at me and I totally feel like the Universe just gave me a good kick in the pants.

This was the recent gem from one such newsletter that inspired me to write today's post:

"I am disappointed at people who hesitate to start something important because they're just waiting to learn enough or know enough or to figure out the answer." -- Seth Godin*

And I thought, "YES! That's it exactly!" Seth expressed one of the biggest challenges, as I see it at least, to someone living a bolder life where "something important" (i.e. a big dream) is actually achieved -- instead of simply being endlessly talked-about or wished-for.

I have either personally coached or have otherwise come in contact with many people who get completely stuck on the "HOW?" of whatever challenge, project, dream, crisis or dilemma they're dealing with. And then they get frustrated or depressed because what they want to achieve isn't happening fast enough... or at all. What I mean is, they are afraid to make a move until they can totally figure out, in advance of taking action, exactly HOW they are going to do it, or HOW it is going to happen step-by-step, or HOW they are going to find the right people to join them in doing it, or HOW they are going to feel about it when it happens, or HOW they are going to pay for it. Then, if they can't get all those answers to the HOW sorted out just perfectly, they stop dead in their tracks. They just stop, paralyzed by the fear of making a mistake or a wrong decision. So instead of taking the risk of getting it wrong, they do nothing. They choose INERTIA over BEING, HAVING OR DOING WHAT THEY REALLY WANT.

This occasionally makes me want to take them lovingly by the shoulders, look firmly yet compassionately into their eyes, smile, and then shake the living crap of them, screaming, "WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? THIS IS YOUR LIFE YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!" Seriously, when I talk about the "living crap", I mean it... I want to shake the crap (i.e., their fears, their hang-ups, their excuses for playing small) out of them so they will start LIVING. Because all that is standing in the way of them really living is the crap they have managed to pile up in the form of obstacles, whether real or imagined.

They will claim they are waiting until "something happens"... like maybe they are waiting for divine inspiration or intervention. They are waiting for "a sign", so while they're waiting the only sign they will follow is the one that says "STOP". Or as Seth says so accurately, they are waiting until they have learned enough or until they feel they're "qualified" enough. Whatever this mystical thing is they are waiting for, sometimes they don't even know... then they say "I guess I'll know it when I see it".

Insert heavy sigh here.

"Okay, fine", I would like to say to these people. "It's your life, and you are entitled to do whatever you like with it. And if you want to spend your life playing it safe and being ruled by your fears, that's your right. But then don't complain that you're not happy, not living your dream, or that you've got regrets about what you wanted to do in life but didn't. You can't achieve anything worthwhile in life by playing it safe all the time. Ask anyone you admire who has achieved something really big, and they'll tell you the same."

I understand about the fear and how it can foster that inertia. (Ever see a deer caught in the headlights? Same feeling.) I've been there, in the fearful place of not knowing what the HOW looks like, and I know how it can mess with your head and your self-confidence. I have spent long, sleepless nights agonizing over the HOW. I have shed tears when whatever I was doing to make the HOW happen wasn't working. I, too, have put my dreams on the back burner for long periods of time (even decades) because I couldn't envision, for the life of me, how the hell the HOW was going to work out.

When we are consumed by worrying about the HOW, one of two things is happening. The first possibility is that we are trying too hard to control everything, to stay in control of events, of others or of ourselves, because we fear what might happen if we aren't controlling it all. We are attempting to micro-manage the entire Universe to try and "make it happen" just the way we think it should; then if it doesn't fall into place precisely the way we planned, or according to our preferred time line, we think we're failing. Especially if you come from a culture or society that values the "make it happen" or the "pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" or the "no pain, no gain" approaches to success, as we do in America, it's very easy to fall into this trap of thinking that we MUST control or force everything if we want to succeed.

Yet nothing could be further from the truth. The harder we try to control things or force circumstances to match our vision of what "should" be, the less control we seem to have. We hate the notion that we really can't control much of anything external, but we keep trying anyway, don't we? "Control" is a negative or restrictive force, and any form of negative energy will keep things from moving forward.

The other reason we can get stuck in the HOW is that we're sometimes afraid of what will happen if we actually SUCCEED... so by letting our issues with the HOW get in the way, we give ourselves good excuses (so we think) not to take action or move forward, not to achieve what we really want in life. I know for a fact that I have definitely been guilty of this one in the past, specifically when it came to years of yearning to move to Paris before I finally got around to doing it.

Here is the thing about the HOW, the little secret I finally figured out about it:

The HOW is really none of my damn business to figure out in the first place.

It is not my job to always know every tiny detail of how everything is going to proceed, just as it's not my job to try and control any of it. If I put all my energy into agonizing over the HOW, I am missing the opportunity to live fully because I will end up being too wrapped up in the minutiae instead of being focused on the bigger picture. When I worry about the HOW, I am usually thinking about the past or the future, rather than being in the present moment.

So if I'm not supposed to be so obsessed with the HOW, then what AM I supposed to be doing to achieve my dreams and be who I want to be? The operative words in that sentence are WHAT and WHO. There are two things we do need to focus on when we're trying to accomplish something big in our lives: the WHAT, and the WHO. The WHAT is about being very clear in your vision of what you want to create or attract, the final outcome so to speak. The Universe can't give you what you want if you don't know what it is. So have a clear idea of your destination (the WHAT) and let the Universe take care of the route you'll take to get there (the HOW). And the other part of the equation -- the WHO -- is not about other people. It's about you... how you're feeling about your intended destination, and who you're being while you're on the journey.

I can hear some of you freaking out about all this, this suggestion that you should stop thinking so hard about HOW to do whatever it is you want to do, but relax. When I say you shouldn't be worried about the HOW -- the actions, the steps you'll need to take, how the process is going to work -- do I mean that you should just sit on a log in the woods and meditate all day, expecting things to fall into your lap with no effort on your part? No, I do not mean that. Certainly, it behooves all of us to be as proactive as we can, to take advantage of and act upon opportunities when they present themselves, and to use our skills and talents well so that we can get closer to whatever it is we want to achieve. As my friend and former coach, author Laura Berman Fortgang [waving hand to Laura] has often said, "We must create the circumstances by which 'good luck' can find us", meaning we have to get up off the couch and do our part to the best of our abilities. In other words, overcome the inertia by taking some sort of action, even a small one. If you're wrong, then you're wrong, and you can correct your course later, but do something to help yourself.

However, there comes a point where we can go too far in the "doing" aspects of achieving our goals, and that's the point where we move from being excited and motivated and feeling challenged, to feeling depressed, frantic, stressed and anxious. It's where we cross the line from making reasonable efforts on our own behalf, to trying to force things to go in a certain direction. It's where the HOW becomes an obstacle to your success instead of the roadmap to it.

So as far as the big HOW is concerned, try to relax about it. The answers will come; you don't have to force them. The way will be shown to you; you don't have to beat the bushes to search for it. When you get straight on the WHO and the WHAT, and take appropriate action when it's needed and when it feels like it's the right thing to do (instead of agonizing over the "what ifs") you will be astonished at how things seem to just show up, to fall in your lap. The pieces will fall into place more easily, and you'll be able to take the next step with confidence, and then the next, and the next after that. At certain times, it may not always be clear what the 10th step is when you're on step number 2, but that's where you need to relax and try not to slip into Super-Control-Freak mode.

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step." -- Martin Luther King, Jr.

If I'd waited until I had all the answers worked out before I took the first concrete steps toward moving to Paris, I'd probably still be sitting in my bedroom at my mother's house in New Jersey, single and bored to tears with my life. Instead, I first committed myself emotionally to the WHAT, and I knew that my moving to Paris had everything to do with WHO I wanted to be in my life. Then I took whatever steps I could to at least get myself pointed in the right direction. While at times I did have some agonizing moments over how it was going to happen, or what was going to happen next, I quickly stopped myself from "going there" and refocused on the stuff I could control, like myself and my attitudes. And then one day, the first big part of the HOW sort of just "arrived" in the form of a lead on a great apartment; in fact, two different people sent me the same lead on the same day! I wasn't feeling financially "ready" to take the leap at first, and couldn't figure out HOW the money was going to show up. In short, I was scared. But as soon as I committed myself to the opportunity -- accepting that apartment -- the money part started to work itself out. It's like the Universe dangled that apartment in front of my like a big, ol' Eiffel-Tower-shaped carrot, and waited to see if I was serious enough to bite. Once I bit, the Universe ponied up and did its part, and I was off and running... all the way to Paris.

There were bumps in the road of course, because life is just like that. The first apartment fell through, but I found an even better one. The immigration process wasn't (still isn't and never will be) exactly the "fun part", but I focused on my own attitude during the process and got through it well. The dollar/euro exchange rate was never in my favor and it only got worse the longer I've been here, but I dealt with it.

And we know now how it all worked out.

Whenever people write to ask me HOW did I go about this, I know what they're really looking for is, as Seth says, "the answer". They think I must know something they don't. That I perhaps have an edge they lack. That I'm smarter or more talented or luckier than they are.

I don't. I haven't. And I'm not. At the core, I am really NO DIFFERENT THAN YOU, even if my dream of living in Paris is different than whatever YOUR big dream happens to be. The only "difference" is that I have shifted what I'm focused on and where I'm putting most of my energy. Now that I have achieved my dream of moving to Paris, and as a huge bonus also found the love of my life here, I've got other big dreams I'm working on, and the process remains the same: it's about the WHO and the WHAT first, and the HOW comes second.

You can do the same. You can live your dreams. You can have a different life than the one you have now, if that's what you want. It's entirely possible. But first you have to stop using your obsession with the HOW as your obstacle to achieving what you want.

Just consider this my way of shaking you by the shoulders and screaming: "WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? THIS IS YOUR LIFE YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!"

I say that with love, you know. Because I'm also talking to myself.

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*Seth Godin is a marketing guru and author of multiple books. I just like his writing style a lot. You can check him out via his web site, and subscribe to his blog feeds if you're interested.

And don't forget...

Bold Soul Coaching™ is available for any individual who has a big dream and who seeks to get there faster and easier through the process of private coaching by telephone and email. You don't have to go it alone!

My New Year's Wish for You

May you look back upon how you spent 2008 and find satisfaction in at least part of how you lived your life, because who you are BEING is much more important than what you are DOING.

May your relationships have grown stronger, more loving and more fulfilling, and may they continue to be the center of your world because that's what really matters.

May you have accomplished at least 50% of what you wanted to achieve during the year, and be well on your way to achieving the rest, even if it's going to take a little longer than you hoped.

And may 2009 be healthy, happy, fun, adventurous, prosperous, loving, beloved, joy-filled and most of all:

BOLD!

A Very Bonne Année to All Bold Souls, from this Bold Soul in Paris!

Nearly 30 years later, the message still rings true: Give peace a chance

With my husband -- thankfully --  in another part of India today, my thoughts and prayers are with the people of Mumbai, India. And when it comes to terrorism, I can't say it any better than this:

A Year of Loving Boldly

This week marks one full year since Georges and I discovered each other. ONE FULL, GLORIOUS, MIRACULOUS YEAR!!!!!!! (Sorry but that deserved a whole lotta exclamation points.)

It was October 4th of 2007 when he initiated our first Meetic chat session. That evening, a Thursday, we probably chatted for a couple of hours. The next evening, Friday, we chatted again for a long time, and he asked me out. Specifically he asked me if I'd like to meet him for lunch one day "in a public place", and I laughed and suggested Tuesday. We arranged our meeting time and place: 1pm in front of the statue of [insert name of Some Famous French Guy here] in the Place de la Sorbonne.

He had some plans over the weekend so I didn't necessarily expect to chat with him again until perhaps Monday, but we managed to catch each other online at least once over that weekend. OK, I suspect we were both online looking for one another, truth be told, because the conversation was getting very interesting indeed.

By Monday, it had gotten SO interesting that he asked if I couldn't meet him right then and there, but I had some work that day I couldn't get out of. On Tuesday, October 9th, the day of the Big Date, I spent the entire morning NOT working, trying to get ready and be beautiful for him, while he was busy chatting with me and asking if I could please meet him a half-hour sooner because he couldn't wait any longer.

All the while riding on the 89 bus to Luxembourg (the gardens, not the country), I could only observe how totally excited I was to meet this guy -- first time I'd been that excited to meet someone new in over a decade. And also how I was hoping and praying he would at the very least be a really nice guy and someone I could at least enjoy going out with for a while. It had been too many years with little romance and I'd just had enough of feeling like a romance-repellent.

And then. And then.

I've told this story before, but I don't care. I'm going to tell it again because I love reliving it. As the bus pulled up to the stop, I looked out through the doors and there he was, just as he'd looked in his photo and wearing the jacket he'd described. He wasn't supposed to be THERE, I thought... he was supposed to be a 3 minute walk from there in front of that statue.

I remember feeling like a magnet was pulling me toward him, as if I was floating as I stepped of the bus in my little zebra ballet flats. We were very proper, exchanging the usual two-cheek French bise, but it was slow and more intimate in its own way than if we'd lunged at each other like animals. I remember how he smelled, how his cheek felt next to mine, and that I had unthinkingly placed my hand on his chest as I leaned in.

We smiled, exchanged some words I can't quite recall because I couldn't think straight; I think I even said as much, that my brain wasn't working, that I couldn't get over that he was waiting for me right there. He tucked my hand in his arm and we walked into the gardens. We passed the beautiful Medici fountain, heading in the direction of the Senat building en route across the park to an outdoor restaurant he knew, and it was such nice weather for October (not at all like it is today, cold and rainy) that dining outdoors seemed the only logical thing to do on a date in Paris.

It was just in front of the Senat. He stopped, turned me toward him, and kissed me, full on the lips. I remember being a little startled that he would kiss me so quickly, and like that, and then being even more startled that I didn't seem to mind him kissing me like that. Uh-oh, I thought... this might really BE something.

The rest of the afternoon was spent kissing, holding hands, staring into each other's eyes, talking over a half-eaten lunch we can't remember anything about other than not eating it, more kissing, then forcing ourselves to part because I had to go back home for a phone conference with a client. At the time, I felt I also needed the break to regain my equilibrium, because although it's cliché to say it, he completely swept me off my feet. So I went back home on the 89 bus, and he went back to his office to not work. I still have the text message he sent me while I floated home on that bus. How I managed to conduct that conference call coherently, I'll never know.

A few hours later, we were having dinner. He'd suggested it earlier but I'd made some lame excuse, only to realize I really WANTED to see him again. So we met for dinner at Abbesses. I think I had fish, because it was a restaurant specializing in seafood, but otherwise I could tell you nothing about the meal. More kissing afterwards, outside standing under an awning in the pouring rain. Some time after that... breakfast.

Five days later, I was meeting his children, which sounds fast but the way it happened was actually very casual and unscripted, very natural and easy, nothing forced. And later that evening after having met them all, after seeing where he lived and realizing he trusted me enough already to trust me with the three most precious people in his life, and after letting it sink in what might be was happening between us, I cried in his arms because right then and there...

I knew.

And so did he. It was the Week That Changed Everything.

Happy Anniversary Week to my darling, amazing, and boldly loving Georges. Je t'aime, mon coeur.

I haven't forgotten. Have you?

I was just in the process of doing some bookkeeping and then I looked at today's date. Wow, I can scarcely believe it... seven years.

In a roundabout way, the events of September 11, 2001 were a catalyst for me ending up in Paris. It didn't happen overnight of course, but I distinctly recall in the months afterward that I (like so many others) had a very strong sense of my own mortality and that I didn't want to live a life filled with regrets. I wanted to live my life more boldly, to the best of my ability.

Well, here I am, seven years later and I barely recognize myself or my life. While I am still filled with sadness over what happened (and every time I see the New York City skyline, my heart literally contracts with the sadness... it just looks WRONG somehow, now), I am mainly filled with gratitude that I was able to be inspired to make my life feel more meaningful to me.

On that day, I chose to write about my feelings. Here's what I wrote, if you're interested. For what it's worth, I still feel exactly the same way today... saddened, but not angry, vengeful or hate-filled. The world is in bad enough shape without me adding more negativity to it. Instead, I'd prefer to remember the good in people... and there is still a lot of good going out on there.

Announcing BOLD SOUL COACHING™: Seeking a few REALLY Bold Souls!

I'm about to do something I rarely do: use my blog to promote a very special (and time-limited) new COACHING program I was recently inspired to design. If this isn't for you, just skip it and we'll return to our regularly scheduled programming with the next post. But if, on the other hand, you think YOU or someone you know fits the description of a bold soul and could benefit from a little one-on-one coaching time (by phone, unless you're in Paris already!) so that you can achieve YOUR bold and audacious dream just as I have done, then I invite you to continue reading or to forward the link to a friend!

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BOLD SOUL COACHING™: 90 Days to Your Bold New Life!

Calling all Bold Souls!

• Do you have a really HUGE dream or goal, something so big it's even a little bit scary because it means a big change, but something you want so badly, it makes you ache inside and keeps you awake nights?
• Are you committed to realizing it, no matter what? Are you willing to be bolder than you've ever been before, in order to finally achieve this bold dream of yours?
• Are you willing to set aside a minimum of 5 hours per week for the next 90 days to be coached to make this dream come true in your life?

I am actively seeking 3 to 5 very BOLD people who would like to be personally coached by me over the next 90 days, as they work toward achieving a GINORMOUS dream in their lives. It doesn't matter what the dream is about -- and it doesn't have to be about writing, and in fact I'd prefer people with other dreams in mind for this particular program -- you just have to be head-over-heels passionate about achieving it, and 100% committed to doing whatever it takes until you get there. Your attitude should be "failure is NOT an option" and "I will regret it if I DON'T do it" -- anything less won't be enough to motivate you to success!

HOW DOES "BOLD SOUL COACHING(TM)" WORK?

Starting out, YOU get to decide what we work on during the coaching: it should be ONE REALLY BIG GOAL! It must be specific, and something you can articulate with passion rather than desperation. THAT is what we'll focus on for the next 3 months. If your goal is something that might take longer than 3 months to achieve, no problem -- but in our 90 day program you can expect to make SIGNIFICANT, MEASURABLE PROGRESS toward the finish line.

Then, we will work together, one-on-one over the phone and via email (we can even use Skype for video conferencing to be face-to-face!) to develop a workable strategy for specifically how and when you will take the necessary action steps toward creating your dream and making it a reality in your life. We'll discuss any roadblocks that are getting in the way, whatever they may be, and how you'll work through/over/around them. You'll create accountability for taking consistent weekly action steps (that YOU will choose) so that you can see, in detail, your progress as you get closer to the day when you'll reach your goal. We'll celebrate milestones of success along the way, and I'll be there as your sounding board, cheerleader and #1 fan, giving you the support and additional motivation that we ALL need in life -- especially when we're up to something really BIG!

We'll meet a minimum of 3 times each month for 80 minutes by telephone or Skype phone/video (your choice) at a mutually convenient time. The goal is to meet at least three times each month for 90 days; however if we both agree, we can meet EVERY week and accelerate the process for faster results in 9 weeks instead of 12!

THIS IS A TIME-LIMITED OFFER: I am accepting no more than 5 individuals into this program, to begin immediately (between September 1 and September 21, 2008). Space is limited and I anticipate a strong response, so please act quickly if you feel you would benefit from Bold Soul Coaching™!

Applications for this program are available upon request... keep reading for more details on how to apply and what is expected of participants in this very intensive, BOLD program!

Over 40, but still Olympic material

Check out Dana Torres, age 41, mother of a two-year-old girl. She just became the oldest person - male or female - to qualify for the U.S. Olympic Swim Team. She beat out a 25-year-old to do it, too. And she'll be the oldest female swimmer present at the Games in Beijing; in 1972 a Canadian swimmer qualified at age 44.

A thrilling performance that prompted the crowd to applaud Torres as the new face of middle-aged, weekend warriors everywhere. Toned and tanned, with a flat stomach, she hardly looks like she's been away since the 2000 Sydney Games, her last Olympic appearance.

Being over 40 totally rocks sometimes, doesn't it?

My best year yet

Well I have to say it: 47 is feeling pretty freaking great so far. Yes, it's another birthday for me today!

Ever since I passed 35 (and "still single") and then every birthday since then (also with the "still single" label attached, at least in my own mind), I would think about each year and what I had accomplished despite not having a man in my life (actually when I was 35 I did have someone in my life, but we split up some time after I turned 36 and that was it for me for a long while, relationship-wise). I never wanted to be one of those women who felt her life was complete shit without a man around. Much as there was a part of me that wanted someone special by my side, there was another part of me that felt a certain pride that I didn't get all sad and morose each time another birthday rolled past like the mile-markers on the side of the highway: "You have just passed mile marker 43... just 40 more years until you die alone and unloved".

Nope, I wasn't having any of that stuff. I always felt my life had to be worthwhile, that it ought to stand for something wonderful, even if I had no partner. In the past decade or so, I made it my business to try and design a life I felt good about. And it was after I passed 43 that I really started feeling it... the need to stretch myself farther, be bolder, and take more control of my life instead of living it on autopilot.

So at 45, I made the leap, and came to Paris. At 46, I spent my birthday in France, in the company of lovely friends in Provence, and THAT was memorable. A few months later, I took my summer Tour and thought more about how long I might want to stay here, given that I was "still" on my own. I was on the verge of maybe having to go back as money was running a bit low, but I made a commitment to myself to stick it out a while longer even while I started thinking of a back-up plan of "where to go next". I didn't know what my future would hold, and when (or even if) Love and I would cross paths again, although I had a strong feeling that "something was coming". But I was determined to make my life wonderful even if I never met anyone special, ever again. I was determined to live my life on my terms, no matter what.

Then Georges entered my life, and I entered his. Now we are getting ready to enter a new phase of both our lives, one we never saw coming at "our ages". I wake up every day smiling, and fall asleep the same way; I haven't been able to make that claim in a long time, even though I'm generally a very happy person.

It's not fair to say that I'm only happy BECAUSE of Georges being in my life. I don't believe other people can "make" you happy any more than they can "make" you unhappy; I think we choose how to feel most of the time. I think Georges and I were attracted to each other because we were both ready to be together and be happy together; we were both already quite happy people, each in our way.

So now as I cross into 47, I feel in some ways as though my life is beginning anew, even though for many people it's a time when things are beginning to slow down and get comfortable. We starting an adventure together... and it's called Life.

What better way to celebrate another year?

Everyone's dreams CAN come true

I am comfortably installed in what may one day be known as the table where I wrote my first bestseller -- in much the same way Hemingway was known to write at a table at the Deux Magots, only I am much less literary. I am sitting smack dab in the middle of my friend Aimee's dream, sipping a delicious cup of Yoga Chai tea. Aimee sewed the cheerful pink and white tablecloth with her own two hands... the first of many personal touches and improvements she'll be making, I have no doubt.

Today, Aimee did something incredibly bold and fabulous: she realized a very big dream. She opened her very own café:  L'Oisive Thé. It is a small and totally adorable tea shop located in the 13th, in the picturesque Butte aux Cailles quartier, on the corner of Rue de la Butte aux Cailles and Rue Jean-Marie Jégo, just a short walk from Place d'Italie down Rue Bobillot (nearest metro: Place d'Italie on the #5 and #7 or Corvisart on the #6). The street has a small park and a number of other restaurants, but it's the only tea shop in the area. A l'oisive, by the way, is a "lady of leisure" -- what a great name for a tea shop (not that men of leisure aren't welcome too!)

I am completely jazzed to say that Georges and I happened to be there at the beginning of Aimee's leap into becoming a restauranteur. I hadn't even known this was a particular dream of hers, although some of her other Parisian friends were probably aware of it. Georges and I met Aimee and her husband for lunch one day, and when we hooked up with them, they suggested going to brunch instead because they'd read about a brunch place very near where they live but at which they'd never eaten before. Who doesn't love brunch, right? So off we went, with the others giving me a little run-down on the Butte aux Cailles area, which was new territory for this ex-pat.

While we enjoyed our delightful meal, Aimee kept looking around and saying how cute the place was but how, if it was hers, she might do some things differently. And that's when it came out that she had dreamed of having her own little café for a very long time... more specifically a place where knitters could come and knit (Aimee being a very talented knitter) while they enjoyed some tea, coffee, treats and the company of other knitters. We spent a good part of that brunch brainstorming: what if you put a small sofa over there? What if you took those shelves out and did something else there? Would you put in some Internet access? Should the menu be changed... a liquor license added? Suffice to say it became the major focal point of our conversation.

I can't remember now who it was that first noticed the "For Sale" sign in the window, but by the time we all walked out of there, Aimee's husband had taken the carte de visite and written down the agent's phone number. It couldn't hurt to just call and ask about it, right? We all agreed it should be explored further because you just never know.

Well, here it is a few months later (probably the longest of Aimee's life in some ways, while she negotiated and navigated and tolerated all the hoops and hurdles thrown in front of her on this journey) -- and she's DONE IT! She owns this beautiful little café. Opening day was today!

I wanted to be there right at the opening to take photos and celebrate with Aimee before the day got too crazy for her, and I nearly made it on time... having tripped and fallen on some freaking very hard Parisian cobblestones in the Place d'Italie as I was rushing to get there (my entire body aches and my knee is pretty banged up, but otherwise no major harm done, fortunately!) I arrived just a few minutes after 11am, official opening time, to find the door open and Aimee and a helper inside setting things up. The new tablecloths were in place, but the food delivery was a bit late so the serveuse was going to pick up the salad fixin's on her way into work. After hugging and jumping up and down a bit with Aimee, I took some photos and she made me my first cup of tea -- I was the first customer!

The delivery arrived and was sorted and put away... Aimee and the ladies started chopping crudités for salads and continuing to get organized. Fortunately, this tea shop had been in operation for some time and has a regular clientele, and the serveuse is a "legacy" employee, very experienced and pleasant. When starting out in the restaurant business it's always easier to take over an existing successful business, and then little by little you can adjust it to your own tastes once you get into the swing of things.

I sipped my wonderful tea, gazing out the window at passers-by and neighborhood activity. The restau on the adjacent corner started to open up for business, the owner out front scrubbing the entry pavement with a brush while simultaneously smoking and talking to her mignon little terrier. The dog seemed to know all the neighbors, who stopped to speak to it or pat it on the head as he stood in the doorway watching his small world with great excitement: the "guard dog" of the Butte aux Cailles... at least in HIS mind. A woman walked by, stuffing a large bottle of wine into her oversized purse; I found myself hoping that wasn't going to be her entire lunch, but you never know. An upstairs neighbor shook the dust out of a small carpet... never minding the people below walking by. A typical Parisian neighborhood.

As lunch time rolled around, I decided to stay and enjoy something off the menu. The menu is very light and suitable to a tea shop: salads, small quiches, desserts and of course dozens of varieties of tea to choose from (as well as great coffee and other soft drinks) so if you're into eating light and fairly healthy at lunch, this is a great place to go. I chose a feuilleté chèvre, salad crudités et fromage, and it was just wonderful.

During the first hour or so, I was the sole customer, but in the past the café didn't open until noon so the locals probably didn't realize they could come in an hour earlier. And prime time for tea shops if, of course, afternoon tea. But as 12:30 approached, a man came in -- clearly a regular because he bise'd (uh, that's "kissed on both cheeks") the two helpers and greeted Aimee with a handshake before installing himself at a table, as comfortable as can be. A woman followed, coming in to purchase her favorite tea to take home. And so it began, with people in pairs, mostly, coming in for their lunch and some tea. I could see it was going to be a very good first day and Aimee was so thrilled to see so many people already.

After finishing my lunch I decided I should give up the table to make room for whomever might come in next and want to enjoy a nice meal or revitalizing cup of tea before heading back to their daily grind. Aimee was just glowing, and it warmed my own heart to see her happiness in having made this big dream a reality. I can tell she's going to be great at this, and I can't wait to see the little touches and improvements she will add on her own, over time.

Bring your writing, your laptop (WiFi access coming soon), your knitting or your favorite book, and go and enjoy! It's lovely, and so is the smiling new propriétaire!

L'Oisive Thé
1, rue Jean-Marie Jégo, 75013 Paris
http://loisivethe.wordpress.com/

Open 7 days a week, brunch menu on Sundays

You can also read about it on The Paris Blog. And read Aimee's account of her first day (with a photo of her first customer - me!)

123ème page

Ah, I have been tagged for a meme that has been making the rounds of some of my favorite Paris blogs, and it's one about what I'm reading! (Thanks to La Page Française for the tap on the shoulder.) So how can I refuse to do something that requires me to read? Here goes:

A) Pick up the nearest book of 123 pages or more.

B) Find page 123.

C) Find the first 5 sentences and read them.

D) Post the next 3 sentences.

OK, I'm already reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert but I'm only on page 41 thus far, so I think this qualifies. Plus, it was the physically nearest book to me in the room (Step A), a room where the majority of my OTHER books are already packed in boxes for my impending cross-town starting-a-new-life move. So I'm glad I had ANY book handy to do this meme, quite frankly.

I have found Page 123 (Step B). Excuse me for a moment while I do Step C...

...

Well. THAT was interesting. I landed smack-dab in the midst of the author's "Pray" part of the book, where she is in India seeking greater spiritual understanding. And what I am reading is not only very profound but a good spiritual smack on the head for me this morning. I don't believe in coincidences so I can only assume the Universe meant for me to read this, right now. Thank you, Universe. I needed that.

However, of the (Step D) three sentences I am meant to post here, two of those are one or two words only. So I also grabbed the two full sentences afterward for a total of five (I'm all about bending the rules anyway):

OK -- so we are all one, and divinity abides within us all equally. No problem. Understood. But now try living from that place. Try putting that understanding into practice twenty-four hours a day.

Why this is a good reminder for me now is that there happens someone who is in the periphery of my life who has been negatively impacting certain aspects of my life through her actions. This person is not a friend, nor even an acquaintance, and in fact I have neither met nor spoken to her. Yet there are things she is doing that are affecting me and people I care about very much. And there is nothing I can do about it, at least in terms of getting her to change her behavior. People are like that sometimes; they're going to do what they're going to do, whether we like it or not. And no, I am not talking about Hillary Clinton.

What we CAN do when faced with a flat-out difficult person or a person who is acting out of his or her own personal pain (in this case, I think it's more the latter) -- and what Page 123 reminded me of -- is to try to live from a place of understanding that spiritually, we ARE all the same. Equal. We are one, not many. We are connected, not separate. When we are negative about or hurtful towards another person, we are actually directing that negativity towards ourselves, i.e. we are only hurting ourselves. The reason people go out and hurt other people, whether it is interpersonal conflict or something on a larger scale, like war, is because most people either don't know this, don't believe it, or have forgotten that when they hurt others, they are only hurting themselves. Think what the world could be like if everyone knew this and acted accordingly?

So while I cannot change this other person, and while she may continue to behave in hurtful ways (because she believes she is justified, I'm sure), what I "get" after reading the three five lines is that my only job in all this is to do my best NOT to send that negativity back to her. In other words, I have to stop thinking negatively about this other person, as hard as that might be at times -- if for no other reason than that negativity on my part only hurts ME. What I put out there always comes back to me, so I have to be more aware of what I am contributing to the situation. All I can control is my own feelings and point of view. She might continue to behave in destructive and hurtful ways, but I can choose to believe the situation can and will improve, and quickly. I can believe she is capable of being better than this. I can send out love and positive energy even in the face of someone who, for her own reasons, is not able to be in a loving and positive place right now. It might not be easy for me to "come from love" when someone else would probably prefer that I disappear altogether, but that is what I need to do.

Hmmm, who can I tag? Who's left who hasn't maybe already been tagged? Ah... Kyliemac (in an effort to get her to actually BLOG something instead of podcasting it), Frenchless in France (whom I realize is probably meeting her new grandchild in America right now and may not be able to do this for weeks), and Planethalder (because I liked her last comment so much). I hope they make some profound or at least interesting discoveries on page 123 of whatever book they're reading next. 

Forward

I have one predominant thought in my head right now. It beats a lovely rhythm as I walk down the street from the pharmacie (where I am proud to say I discussed my medical business 100% en français and managed fine). As I do the laundry, clean the apartment, check my email, take some Advil for the remnants of an annoying migraine, and prepare to spend the day writing for some clients, this thought is always there, in the back of my mind, ever since yesterday morning when we decided the time is now.

Living with Georges. Living with Georges. Living with Georges.

And I can't stop smiling.

In the next few weeks I will be packing up my few boxes of books, suitcases of clothing, and assorted and sundry STUFF. We will rent a small van, load it up, drive it all across town, and unload it. I will unpack and set up my work space. We will rearrange closets to make room for my things. I will change the address on my French bank account (the only regular French mail I get here). And that will be that. Georges and I will be officially living together.

Phase I of our relationship is moving forward into Phase II. Other important Phases are yet to come, of course, but hey, one thing at a time.

To put this in perspective, it is important to remember that I have been SINGLE for all of my 46 years. And I was good at being single; I must have been good at it because it seemed I was out of relationships much more than I was in them, despite my occasional insistence that I really wanted to be "in a real relationship". Only once in all that time did I sort of semi-live with someone, and that was more about him hanging around my place 4 nights out of 7 without the benefit of kicking in for the rent or groceries. (I'm smarter now.) I have been alone and fending for myself for my entire adult life.

Is it hard to give up that independence for a completely different life with a man AND his children? Surprisingly, no. I mean, I am sure there will be days, at least initially, where I am inwardly craving some alone time or some quiet in the house, and in terms of working there (since I work at home), THAT will take some adjustments. But Georges and I want to be with each other all the time now, and I want that far more than I want to hang onto some outdated need for my so-called Freedom.

Wow, will you look at me? I'm suddenly a grown-up, ready to put down roots and be part of a family, after all this time. It's as much a surprise to me as it probably is to those who know me well. But instead of feeling anxious or worrying about the transition (which I know will have some bumpy spots in the road, as all transitions do), I am just plain HAPPY right now. We have been talking about doing this since the very early days of our relationship, and now it is finally the right time for all concerned. (And for those who are going to comment with your worries about the kids... their readiness and comfort has always been our primary concern, and they are fine with it and with me. Had there not been kids involved, we'd have moved in together two months ago probably.)

I can't think of anything better than to spend my life with this amazing and loving man who -- as I discovered last night while we were watching Roman Holiday -- bears a striking resemblance to Gregory Peck in this movie, especially around the eyes. Of course I loved Georges long before realizing he and Greg have the same eyes, so this is just a bonus for me.

So a new chapter of my life, of OUR life, is about to begin. The story continues to unfold. And I can't wait to turn the page.

If only in my dreams

I'll be home for Christmas...

One of the reasons I've been mainly posting photos the past few days is that I really haven't felt like writing. I've been doing things in preparation for my trip, working on some client projects, and getting in that "one last" drink, movie, coffee or dinner with friends here in Paris before I jet back to NJ on Thursday, so I've definitely been keeping busy, and blog posting has had to take a back seat.

You can count on me...

But the main reason I've been posting on the lighter side is that I've just been too emotional to come up with anything all that entertaining. You see, Georges has been away for the past week on his business trip in snowy Montréal, and (YAY!) he comes back tomorrow. I am completely thrilled about his return and so eager to be able to just touch him again, to just be in the same room, that I can't even find the words. Everywhere I have gone the past five days, I have seen romantic couples of all ages, holding hands as they walk down the crowded sidewalks, cuddling on the métro, gazing adoringly at each other over a kir or a coffee, and missing Georges all the more because if he were here, THAT WOULD BE US. We have been using our web cams to talk every morning, and occasionally in the late evenings, too, and believe me when I say -- if you are far apart from the one you love, being able to at least SEE him on your little computer screen makes a WORLD of difference in coping with his absence. It really HAS helped. Although somehow, reaching out to caress his face on a screen isn't at all as fulfilling as the real thing. But it's better than just the phone or email or IM chat, at least.

Please have snow, and mistletoe...

Yet, as happy as I have been to see Georges on-line every day, and as excited as I am about his pending rentrée less than 24 hours from now, in the back of my mind I am ever-conscious that we have such a tiny amount of time together -- just two short evenings -- before an airport shuttle van picks me and my half-empty suitcases up at 6:20am on Thursday morning, and whisks me away from mon amoureux for 19 days. Nineteen long, cold, lonely days without my central-loving sweetie. I am not someone who suffers from the "holiday blues" as a rule, but this enough to bring out the Bah-Humbug in me.

...and presents on the tree.

Every day this past week when Georges and I have been doing our web cam visits, there has come a point where my eyes inevitably fill up with tears. Sometimes, I am just moved to tears by how much love I see in his face --  being loved so deeply still overwhelms me at times. But what I have realized (other than that Georges is the most loving, patient and sensitive man I've ever met because my emotional nature doesn't seem to put him off one bit) is that I haven't been crying just because I miss him NOW, while he's in Montréal. I mean, I HAVE missed him terribly, but that's not always why I'm weeping.

Christmas eve will find me...

It's because I know what's ahead... the BIG separation. And it's one thing to be without the one you love for just a few days over the course of a business trip. It's another thing entirely to do the math and realize that we will have been separated for a total of 24 days this entire month!

Where the love light gleams...

He tells me, "You are so brave, my love" and I'm all, "No [sniffle] I'm NOT brave. I don't feel brave at all. I just feel sad. I don't want to leave."  It's just too soon. Too soon in our relationship to contemplate this much time apart. I know there is nothing to be done about it now. Shoulda, woulda, coulda... I probably could have altered my non-refundable ticket weeks ago for a fee and shaved just a few days off my trip, but at the time we discussed it and decided to leave it as is. Now, it's just too late to change my plans.

I'll be home for Christmas...

Logically, I know, of course, that we will get through this month, and it will be fine in the end. We are mature adults. We will manage. We will have things to do and happy holiday events to go to, and people to spend time with. I have planned a small gift to give Georges before I go, that he will open on Christmas (and not ONE MOMENT SOONER!) so that even if we can't BE together, we can open a gift together on the web cam. So we are trying to be creative about this, our time apart, and make the best of it. And seriously, lest you think I am without any sense of bigger perspective, I know full well that there are many people who are separated from THEIR loved ones for long, lonely months and even years, and under much more difficult circumstances than this, and I have never felt as connected to the families of service men and women as I do right now. I know that 24 days, in the grand scheme of our future life together, is just a drop in the bucket, and we should consider ourselves lucky. I know this is true. I know it. I do.

If only in my dreams.

But knowing it, and FEELING o.k. about it, are two different things entirely. Because this is our first Christmas, me and Georges. And we can't be together, except in our dreams... and with a little help from technology. I am resigned to it, it is just the way it has to be, and it is no one's fault -- it just IS. There is no quantity of chocolate, Christmas cookies, playing with the puppy and spiked eggnog big enough to compensate for not being able to be with him for nearly 3 weeks, not to be able to wake up next to him on Christmas morning. I love my family and friends in NJ, and I will be so happy to see them and I know I'll have fun once I'm there... but my life -- and my heart -- is here now. Because HE is my life, and he is going to be here. Georges IS "home" for me now.

And I am not at all liking the prospects of leaving home.

Seeking terra firma

I know I don't post a lot about my work -- the stuff that pays the bills, the writing-for-hire and web design projects -- or my clients, mainly because there is always a chance one of them will be reading the blog and I want to keep our work together confidential and professional, and that is as it should be. Nor would I ever be likely to bitch and moan about a client or project on this blog -- I do not bite the hand that feeds me. I am very fortunate, though, to have really wonderful clients. They are never unreasonable or overly demanding, they are generally very pleasant and creative people, I tend to develop long-term working relationships with most of them, and some have become true friends. This is one of the reasons I left corporate life and decided to fly solo nine years ago this month, despite the financial unpredictability that is a part of self-employment: I wanted to be able to CHOOSE with whom I would or would not work rather than having a bad client tossed in my lap and being unable to do a thing about it.

That being said, my clients are not saints with unlimited reserves of patience, nor should they be expected to wait infinitely for me to do the work they've hired me to do, simply because two weeks ago TODAY (WOW, vraiment? Only 2 weeks? It feels like forever... or at least, a long while) I stepped off a bus and into the arms of a man I think I have waited my entire life to meet. I have been gingerly letting my clients in on the new circumstances in my life, not because I like to make a habit of mixing my personal life with my work, but because I feel I owe them SOME kind of explanation for missing deadlines, forgetting to do things they've asked me to do days ago, and forcing them to follow up with me when it should be the other way around. I could make excuses, but I feel the truth is always the best way to go. And so, I've told them: I fell in love with a Very Wonderful Man (and Yes, He is French), that it hit me (us) hard, and that it has taken me a few days to put my feet on solid ground again.

Fortunately, these clients are the kind of people who can be genuinely happy for me even while they are understandably concerned about my attention span at the moment.

Today, I got up early and hit the ground running. I feel productive again for the first since coming back from New Jersey at the beginning of the month. I admit, I am mainly motivated by the fact that the rent is due next week, but also because my personal integrity drives me to want to deliver on what I've promised to these clients.

I am reminded of the transition and adjustment I had to make in 1998 when I first left corporate life. As a corporate "golden girl" (someone with a reputation for always getting the job done, done fast and done well), I never had trouble meeting deadlines -- they were a part of my life in Information Technology, and I was good at being "deadline driven". Being out on my own, I was surprised that I did not immediately carry that same "drive" with me as a free agent. For the first couple of months, I felt like I was on an extended vacation of sorts, and had trouble getting myself into a good working rhythm for a long time. Eventually, it got better and I re-learned how to be productive again.

I think I'm in the same place again, now, of having to re-train myself to be productive under new circumstances. This is what happens to all of us when we are facing a major life transition of any kind, be it a positive change (new love, exciting new job, new child, new city) or a negative one (job loss, ending a relationship, children growing up and leaving, death of a loved one).

Someone significant, delicious and merveilleux has come into my life, without warning or fanfare but with great speed and force; love has knocked me off my feet, and my equilibrium is off. (Do not mistake this for a complaint!) My task now is to re-balance, to re-define what "balance" is going to look like now. And this is just the initial adjustment I have ahead of me: how to make good on the commitments I have made to the people who are paying me for my expertise, while carving out a much larger chunk of time for my personal life, which still must include friends as well as mon amour. There are going to be more adjustments ahead as we build something together, more situations where I will have to re-balance, and re-balance again. And so will he.

So the first step for me this week is to turn more attention to my work again, as much as I would much rather spend the day thinking about or being with him. But we live in the "real world" and it demands some attention, too. Tant pis pour nous, les amoreux, but there it is. Voila!

Life is full of these transitional moments, and change is the only consistent thing. So, you figure out how to flow with it and adjust, no matter what the situation, even (especially!) when the situation is a deep and growing love. And eventually, you can put your feet on terra firma again.

At least... until the next time life requires you to tread water.

One Week

A week ago today, I didn't know it at the time, but I was meeting a man who is unlike any man I have ever met before. And I do not exaggerate. I stepped off the #89 Paris city bus, found myself looking into the eyes of a man I had never met, and sensing instant mutual recognition. Five minutes later, I was being kissed by someone who was technically a stranger, but someone who I felt I'd already known my whole life, even before we had officially met. Hours later, we were still together, discovering each other, unwilling to be apart. We weren't thinking "love" then, but whatever it was, we were both willing to ride the wave.

At the time, all I could do was marvel at how strange it should feel, but didn't, to be having that kind experience. And it wasn't just about being swept away by physical chemistry (although that was definitely there, right from the start). There was complete mental, intellectual and emotional compatibility, too. "Wow" was all I could think. My brain went into auto-pilot. I was fully aware of where I was, and what I was doing, and it all felt perfectly fine, natural. I had no worries about him, none. I intuitively trusted him, despite having no concrete "evidence" or knowledge about him, and certainly no idea of what would happen later.

Which is a pretty strange thing for me, as someone who has an almost compulsive need to over-analyze new relationships from the get-go. It's always: "What's he thinking? Does he really like me? Is he going to turn out to be one of the good ones? What did he mean by THAT, that thing he just said? Why hasn't he called yet?" On and on, ad nauseum. I am the type who could make a career out of making myself crazy with a new guy... and not crazy in the good way, either. I am a woman who has always felt totally "together" in nearly every other area of her life, except in my ability to find, create and sustain a wonderful, loving relationship with a man.

Until now. Now, I know what I've been missing all this time... you know, for the past 30 years (the amount of time I've been dating, since I was 16).

A week later, here we are. IN LOVE. Yes, in love. With each other. Not one-sided. No games. No tricks. No withholding of information. Totally at ease with each other. Accepting of one other's foibles, imperfections, ways. Completely comfortable, including being comfortable with the fact that there is still a lot we don't know and many things that need to be dealt with before we could have the kind of relationship we really want.

Whether or not either of us set out looking for this 10 days ago when we first connected, this is where we are now. And we are in it. A couple. Whatever that is going to mean.

Logical, caring, well-meaning people I respect have been cautioning me to "be careful" and "don't take it too fast" and "don't forget, you don't really KNOW him yet", even while they are happy for me to have found someone. I appreciate their concern for my welfare, I really do. It is perfectly sensible, what they are saying. And in any other situation, I would be the first to second those words of caution. Outside of "movie-love", where the two lead characters on screen gaze across a room and "know" they are "meant to be", I have been a bit skeptical of that whole bit about "knowing" you have met the right person for you. Love At First Sight, yes, I can believe in that, and have even experienced something like it in the past. But THAT "love" turned out to be fraught with insecurity and anxiety right from the beginning, even though the love was genuine, such as it could be. I wanted that guy, loved that guy, but never felt I knew with certainty that the guy and I were really right for each other.

Now, I know. This is the first time I've ever had this sense of complete confidence in being with someone; the confidence of knowing exactly how he feels, of never having to guess -- because he is constantly telling me, showing me. He is the most emotionally open man I've ever met. We are at a place in just seven days that it can take other people weeks or months to reach, and some of them never do. Even the fact that there is so much to be cleaned up, worked through, and discovered isn't putting either one of us off. I may wonder or worry slightly about certain aspects of what the future might bring, of certain decisions that will have to be faced in time, but I have NO fears about HIM and how he feels about me. None. THAT in itself is a testament to what we already have between us. We can't explain it, and have decided not to try anymore, because there is no "why".

It just IS.

And that is enough for me and My Parisian. Gros bisous, chéri.   

Wink, wink... nudge, nudge

I got a bit of a "wink" from the Universe yesterday afternoon, one that further supports my view that when we are willing to let go of something that isn't working in our lives, something better will always show up, and often very quickly. I received a very interesting e-mail from a new Meetic guy, who lives in Avignon in the south. The letter was written entirely en français, but I was able to get the gist of it with the help of my trusty Larousse. In the letter, this 51-year-old man (older than me, for a change) really took the trouble to be creative in his approach to getting my attention -- and it worked. Most men will write just a few simple lines, like "Hi beautiful, want to have a drink?" or "Here's my cell phone, call me" as their oh-so-originale opening line, but without much effort to be remarkable on their part. And for some silly reason, they all seem to think I want to be called "Princess". Yet I am not a pink French poodle. So give this man points for NOT resorting to the nauseous-making "Princess". Ick and double-ick.

Monsieur Avignon is a Taurus and a writer (ditto and ditto), both of which contributed, I'm sure, to the above average quality of the letter. I am often captivated by men who can express themselves well in writing; it's how my last serious boyfriend got my attention. Good communications skills are a turn-on for me, and this guy was able to get me to take notice without pouring it on too thick or insulting my intelligence.

Instead, he painted a picture (with words) of the distance between us making it perhaps a bit difficult to enjoy a cappucino together in a café in a "perched village" while watching the sun set over the Lubéron (sounds delightful!) But the distance, he said, was not insurmountable; he comes to Paris periodically, and spoke of having a soft spot for the gardens at the Rodin museum (also one of my favorites here in Paris) and being able to enjoy a hot chocolate together in a cozy corner of "Lutetia" (the old Roman name for Paris - which I knew). Avignon (also of Roman origins) is only 2 hours away by TGV, so that's not the end of the world -- not convenient, perhaps, but not the worst example of LDR I've ever heard of (after all, AussieLass and her Prince Charmant were half a world away, and THEY somehow managed to get together and eventually get hitched; when one is very motivated, anything is possible). Monsieur Avignon even has a PhD and reads Socrates, but seems to have a sense of humor about it. OK... he's got me there; an intellectual, I'm not -- whenever I see the name "Socrates", I still flash back to Keanu Reeves in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, calling the great philosopher "SO-craytes". But maybe he could do with a dose of someone in his life with an earthier sense of humor. He's a non-smoker, divorced and has no/wants no children (check, check and check). He's tall enough, fit enough, attractive enough (assuming his photo is accurate). So far, on paper, he's stacking up pretty well.

I have no idea if he speaks, reads, writes or understands English at all, and if he doesn't, this will definitely go no further, as we will be unable to communicate beyond my pitiful grasp of French -- which enables me to go shopping, order a meal in a restaurant, ask for directions and comment on conversational topics at the level of a 7-year old. Beyond that, I'm sunk. I couldn't construct a meaningful and coherent thought in French if my life depended on it. I had enough difficulty conversing with French Gardener, and he wasn't an egg-head, pas du tout.

This is an intriguing development on the romance front, but I'm not writing about it because I necessarily think it is going to be "anything" -- geez, not after just one e-mail, albeit a really good e-mail. I'm writing about it because, whether or not this goes any further than one terrific e-mail, receiving this letter within 24 hours of my mentally and emotionally writing off the French Gardener is like getting a little nudge from the Universe, telling me: YES, there is something better out there. There are interesting, creative, grown-up men with wit and charm who know how to talk to a woman, even when they may not be able to talk in her native language. They are motivated to make an effort. If they want something, they go for it.

This is why it pays not to clutter up your life with stuff that isn't working. Cut bait, move on, and clear the decks for whatever is coming next. Wink, wink... nudge, nudge.

It's about the journey, not the destination

The #1 question I have been asked, since first deciding to move to Paris (a decision that was made in my mind and heart over three years ago) and finally having done it last year, is:  "Why?" I get that question a lot less these days now that I've been here a while, but sometimes when I encounter someone new (like a new client who calls my American number and then finds out I'm actually HERE), it surfaces again.

My standard answer, a simple "Because I love it and I've always wanted to live there", for some reason doesn't ever seem to satisfy the askers, who generally respond with an: "Oh", and then a pause that speaks volumes, as in "Oh, well that's nice for you I guess, but honestly I don't see why on earth you'd want to do THAT! What a strange thing for you to want to do." And I know that answer doesn't even come close to cutting it for some of the people closest to me, who would much prefer it if I said: "Oh, I just want to go there for a little while and get it out of my system, and then I'll be back". (But I understand... and I miss you all, too.)

When people ask that question, there is almost always a subtle hint of judgment in it. When I hear the "Why?" asked in that certain tone of voice, I know what's behind it: utter disbelief. Sometimes it's a mild case of surprise, and other times the disbelief is so palpable you'd think I just told them I enjoy picking my nose in public as a hobby -- there's just that hint of distaste in their voices or facial expressions. Once I even had someone physically recoil at the very idea of meeting someone who would actually choose France as a place to live, it was that shocking to them.

The majority of the people who need to ask "Why?" are those who either don't think Paris or France is their idea of a great place to live (usually because they believe all the stories they've heard about the French being difficult but they've never actually MET anyone French), or because they just aren't the sort of people who would even consider living abroad anywhere. I don't mind that these people DON'T like France or DON'T want to try living abroad. But they clearly mind that I DO. C'est la vie, I suppose.

On the other hand, someone who totally "gets it" -- this (to some) outrageous thing I've done, this packing up my life and moving here -- would never need to ask the big "Why?" The ones who get it, they seem to understand that inner need to see and do and explore different things. They don't even necessarily have to be a die-hard francophone or even have ever visited or want to visit France to be on the same page with me on this, although often it transpires that they're as crazy about the place as I am and they want to swap travel stories. These are people who, upon learning where I'm now living, have the immediate reaction of "WOW! That's so great!" and then they want to hear all about it. Maybe they're armchair travelers who just enjoy hearing about other places even if they might never have the opportunity or desire to go there, I don't know. I just know that with people like this, there's never a "Why?" attached to their reaction unless it's asked from a place of genuine interest and curiosity to know what inspired a single woman in her mid-40s to do such an unusual thing.

Even after I've been here for some months now, it's still hard for me to articulate what it is about Paris and France that attracts me so, because it's not just one thing. I could say it's the ambiance. Or the lifestyle. The challenge of learning the beautiful language, or the access to the the art and culture Paris offers. I could say it's a desire to explore the varied regions and architecture of France. I could say it's France's central location in Europe that makes it easier to travel to other places I want to see. All of these would be true statements. I've even gone so far as to quip that I think it must be a past-life thing because I really can't offer a concrete explanation as to why I've wanted to live here even before I'd ever visited. My attempts to explain the "why" aren't even satisfactory to ME. After all, how do you explain to someone, "I had no choice"?

Because my desire to come here goes beyond just my great and genuine love of Paris and France in general. Henry Miller (who wrote his most famous works while living as an ex-pat in Paris in the 1930s) once said,

"One's destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things."

In the past few years I've discovered something about myself: the truth. And the truth is that I seem to be someone who is far more interested in having a changing view, a "new way of looking at things", than I am in staying in one place for any length of time, even though it means leaving people I love and all things familiar and "safe". Most people in their 40s are, understandably, settled in their lives and work, and naturally they enjoy the secure feeling of having a place to call home even if they, too, have a certain wanderlust; I'm too busy looking at the horizon to care about that kind of security. Others are happy to satisfy their periodic curiosity about the world by packing a suitcase and taking a vacation; that's no longer enough for me. I want more.

I think I've always been this way; in the past I've exercised this trait by hopping from town to town in my home state of New Jersey every few years. I didn't consciously change residences for the sake of change -- the reasons always seemed necessary under the circumstances, such as not being able to find a roommate or wanting a shorter commute to work. And for five years I bought and lived in a condo, so I did make an effort to put down some roots, although on some level I knew even that was going to be temporary. But on reflection I can see that, short of not enjoying the moving process itself (packing and unpacking is hell), each time I moved I looked forward to the change of scenery and the chance to start something new and fresh. The towns I lived in were all within 30 minutes of one another and of my family's home town, so it's not that the ACTUAL scenery was any different, but with each move I had something new to experience. I enjoyed making each apartment into a home for myself, but within several years I'd be getting restless, and then something would happen that would give me an excuse to move again.

I've been the same way in my professional life, now that I stop to think about it. I've changed professions several times, from clerical/secretarial work, to computer programming/web design, to life coaching, and now to writing (although I think this one's gonna stick!) Even within my corporate I.T. career, I was always looking for the next great project, the next promotion -- I was known, upon hearing good news of a promotion, to ask my boss in the same conversation what I needed to do in order to achieve the NEXT level up!

I guess it's fair to say, I don't just LIKE change, I THRIVE on it. Sure, I have times even here in Paris, like this week, when I'm perfectly happy to hole up here at "home" sometimes for days on end, where I can do my thing in peace and quiet, so I do have those typical Taurean moments of being something of a homebody. But for the most part, I feel happiest when I'm out around people, with friends, seeing or doing something interesting and new. Curiosity may have killed the cat but it keeps me feeling alive!

So perhaps it's appropriate, even natural, that now I'm taking my "roving eye" on the road -- where it belongs! Yes, it's true, I don't have all the comforts of "home" with me here, where I'm living in a furnished rental (albeit a very lovely one) with only a small amount of my personal belongings, the rest sitting in a storage locker "back home". I do miss my family and my friends... but my need to challenge myself and to see, hear and experience new places is stronger than my desire to be with them and to have a place to call "home".

On occasion, when I'm talking to one of my friends or a family member, they'll ask me when I think I'll be back "for good", and I can hear the unspoken fear in their voices (or sometimes they'll come right out and say it: "You're never coming back, are you?") And the truth is, I don't know how to answer them because I don't want to upset them and because I don't really have an answer right now.

I know I'm not ready to go back yet for more than a visit. I suspect it will be some long while before I'm ready to even consider doing that. And I know that if and when I do decide to go back to the U.S. "for good", it won't be to live in New Jersey again (I'm thinking Boston might be nice, I've always liked Boston).

I'm not even sure I want to stay in France "permanently", although so far I'm very comfortable considering everything. Just yesterday I was noticing with some amusement how effortless it is for me to find my way around the city now, even to places I haven't been to before, which is kind of funny when I consider I used to live totally dependent on my car and even a day-trip to NYC gave me anxiety what with figuring out how I was going to get in, out and around the city -- I hated public transportation that much.

I'm settled IN here right now, for the time being, but I haven't settled DOWN. Not here, not yet. And maybe not anywhere. Maybe I'll have to be a whole lot older before I finally decide I'd rather have a comfortable chair and my "shows" on TV more than I'd rather see the Matterhorn or Venice or Santori or The Great Wall or Uluru. I suspect that if I DO settle down somewhere, that decision will be influenced entirely by love, although I'm hoping that any man I fall that much in love with that I'd consider staying put somewhere, will be as in love with seeing the world with me by his side as he is in love with me.

Or maybe I'll never really settle down in the usual sense. Maybe I'll be one of those fantastic and fascinating seniors who gets on a plane or a cruise ship with her laptop (think of it, we'll be an entire generation of computer-savvy white-haired people with bladder-control issues), her walker and some extra-strength Tylenol for her arthritis, and takes off for a safari in Kenya so she can see elephants and giraffes and lions and write about it afterward. I'll be the Adventurous Aunt who brings all the kids interesting souvenirs from far-off places and who writes award-winning best-sellers based on her travels, like the time she got propositioned by the Prime Minister of Some Foreign Country and had to throw a glass of ice water down his trousers to set him straight. Yes, I like the idea of being THAT woman.

It's taken me months to think it through clearly and to put the truth out there, but here it is. The REAL answer to the "Why?" is this: because I have to. I have to if I'm going to be true to myself. I have to if I'm going to live my life authentically and be my own person. I have to if I'm going to be whole in my soul and at peace with myself. I have to despite the fact that I know it upsets and stresses some people I love dearly.

The alternative is unacceptable: to be less than the person I know I am and the person I have the potential to BE. To do anything less than living the way I'm living right now, as insecure as it may be, would be like trying to live someone else's life. And I already pretty much did that up until... well, now. Until fairly recently, I didn't know just how much I was NOT being my true self back home, and it's only now with some time and distance I can see just how "in deep" I was. I wasn't being "fake", not on purpose anyway, but I WAS caught in the perennial trap of often living up (or down) to the expectations and wishes of others. They live their lives a certain way with certain goals and priorities, a way that is perfectly fine -- for them -- and it's taken me this long to realize that their way is just not my way, not any more. I don't blame them, and I don't even really blame myself; I think it was part of wanting to fit in with and please people you love, and we all do that in one way or another. I don't think that this was a conscious thing, although my growing unhappiness the past couple of years definitely showed me that a drastic change was necessary for my well-being. I love my family and enjoy being with them... but I don't fit into that life in suburban New Jersey. I grew up there, and it's a fine place to grow up and to live and work and raise a family, and I am grateful to have so many people there who care about me. But I don't fit in there now. And I was just. Plain. Miserable. Trying. (Whew. There, I said it.)

I'm not miserable any more.

I'm content and at peace all of the time, damn happy most of the time, and sometimes I'm downright disgustingly blissful. I feel free for the first time in a long time. I feel like I can be myself. I know I made the right decision in coming here. The future may be a giant question mark and things are not perfect, but life is very, very good. I hope knowing this -- that I'm happy -- makes up, in part, for the disappointment of those who would much rather hear me say that I hate it and I'm packing up and coming back some time soon. I know they may not like or understand my reasons for being here, but I also know they love me and want me to be happy; they just want me to be happy closer by. And that's OK.

What I know for sure right now is that there are far worse things in life than not knowing what's down the road. I may stop and stay here in France for a long time. Or I may not. I'm OK with not even knowing that myself right now, because I trust I'll know when the time is right to decide where "home" will be next.

And in the meantime, in the words of Muriel Rukeyser:

"The journey is my home."